On Monday Jordan Carlos and I are flying to Tampa for the Republican National Convention, and I couldn't be more psyched. I love conventions–I went to the San Diego Comic Con and the Trek Expo in Tulsa this year. At this point, I'm an old hand at convs (that's what real pros call conventions!) so the RNC shouldn't pose a challenge. The first thing I do at a convention is get the daily schedule and circle all the events I want to catch. Now, minor glitch here, for some reason the RNC requires "credentials" to access certain areas. This sounds slightly unconstitutional, especially since Jordan and I do not have these "credentials."
But as someone who knows from convs, I know that the real excitement often happens outside the convention walls. In fact, just yesterday a friend of a friend of a guy I met on the subway slipped me an official-looking itinerary of events that don't involve boring speeches or delegates voting on whatever. So here's what I have circled for the RNC this year…
Mitt: The Softer Side – a PowerPoint and Breakfast with Ann Romney
The Arboretum – 8:00am
Ann Romney personally prepared this breakfast by hiring an expensive caterer. The menu features cranberry muffins with honey butter, farm-fresh eggs and bacon. Cost: sitting through an hour-long PowerPoint about the Romney family. Ann will walk you through Mitt's personal life and show you the wild, surprising, humorous, warm man she knows and loves. For example, did you know Mitt dislikes olives? Did you also know that one time he put a glove on the wrong hand and then fired the man who dresses him? Start your day right with these hilarious, relatable tidbits about Mitt and his wacky crew of Mitt-fits.
Rep. Todd Akin's Sex and the Female Body Seminar
The Georgia O'Keeffe Room – 11:00am
Representative Todd Akin of Missouri takes you on a whirlwind tour of the female anatomy. What is a uterus? How did our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ design the ovaries to be invulnerable to certain types of rape? How can you tell if a woman is a witch? Todd answers these questions and more with an exciting multi-media slideshow. PLUS! Learn how women use "boobs" to attract men who will provide for them, and how they train those men to obey using a complex internal clock known as "menstruation." Sure to be fun and informative!
Governor Chris Christie's Bigtime Jersey-Style Hotwing Cookoff
Food Court Center Stage – 1:00pm
(See also: Keynote Address.) Bring your appetite, a larger pair of pants, and a fire extinguisher because the safety measures on the hot wings in this contest have been totally deregulated. Delegates from all over the U.S. (and Guam!) are encouraged to bring their hottest, boldest, nastiest hot wing recipes to be judged by the man so nice they named him twice, Governor Chris Christie. Yes, that’s right. Christie is judge, jury and state prosecutor in this contest, tasting over 140 varieties of hot wings in just under an hour before naming a winner. These wings are so hot you better hide the women and children–and cut funding to programs that aid them–because only a real man can handle this heat!
OH CUBA! MY CUBA!: A One-Man Show Written and Performed by Senator Marco Rubio
The Ronald Reagan Actors' Studio – 8:30pm
Critics call Rubio's tour-de-force one-man play "Pandering. A blatant attempt to appeal to Latino voters. He's never even been to Cuba." This autobiographical opus is filled with quirky characters from Rubio's own life, like his strict Roman Catholic Cuban mother ("Es muy mal, Marco! Es muy, muy mal!") and his former Miami Dolphins cheerleader wife. Strong Catholic values, hilarious humor, and John Leguizamo-style truth-tellin' fill this four-and-a-half hour theatrical presentation. Oh Cuba! My Cuba! is a great place to catch a nap after a hard day of conventioneering–it’s just like being in the Senate when it's in session.
Sacrifice to Mammon
The Secret Underground Chapel – 12:00am – password required!
Donald Trump and the Rev. Jerry Falwell lead delegates in an all-ages worship service to Mammon, Demon God of Greed. An orphan child will be sacrificed to sate the god's appetite for human blood. Trump will give a short talk entitled "I am the Sultan of Fear! Bow before me!" and Falwell will follow with a closing benediction.
The Grand Convention Lawn – 2:00am
Members of the National Rifle Association are invited practice skeet-shooting at 2am on a lawn adjacent to the Tampa Bay Times Forum. In a fun twist, participants will use books (only the bad ones, don't worry!) instead of clay discs. A reminder: this year alcoholic beverages are forbidden but unmarked opaque mugs and thermoses are permitted.
Photo by Mladen Antonov/AFP/Getty Images
Tags: Indecision Delegates, Republican National Convention, Republicans, Tampa