• Guess Thursday's Mystery Republican Convention Speaker

    Violating all the tenets of campaigning in Florida — no events after 5pm and definitely no surprises — the Republicans have scheduled a speaker "To Be Announced" during the 10pm hour, following speakers from Mitt Romney's church and 2002 Olympic athletes, and immediately preceding Marco Rubio and Romney himself. Who can this mystery Republican be?

    1. A baby cloned from the vial of Ronald Reagan's blood almost auctioned earlier this year.

    2. Rafalca Romney, ironically the speaker least likely to spew horseshit on the convention stage.

    3. Dick Cheney, because how can you wage a war on women without no-bid contracts for Halliburton?

    4. Nancy Reagan, because I'd like for there to be a chance of me being correct.

    5. Sarah Palin. This is its own joke.

    6. Mitt Romney, 1994 edition, in order to show that the GOP is indeed a big tent party.

    7. A Generic Republican. Most polls show that a Generic Republican would defeat President Obama. It's the specific Republicans that are problem. Just go to a regional business airport, find a white, middle-aged, slightly overweight man wearing a polo shirt tucked into khaki shorts and you have your mystery speaker.

    Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Republican National Convention, Republicans, Tampa


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