First, a number of Republican gave speeches. Then, Chris Christie gave the same speech, but louder, and while imagining the audience as a bunch of unionized school teachers in their underwear (because he had taken their pants, alongside their lunch money). The day drew to a close with a performance by Three Doors Down, because torture is still a part of the GOP platform.
Here's what else you may have missed from all the evening's events…
Number of times Chris Christie mentioned Mitt Romney: 7
Number of times Christie mentioned himself: 37
Number of Republicans besides Christie who are happy about this: 0.
Number of Christie references to jobs: 3
NJ's unemployment rate: 9.8%, a full 1.5% higher than the nation's rate, the widest gap since the mid-1970s.
Number of times Rep. Marsha Blackburn urged voters to read the platform of the "Great Opportunity Party": 4.
Number of times Rick Santorum exposed us to his hand fetish: 21, including, "little, broken hands of the disabled," "dirty hands with scars," and "Hands weathered and worn."
Number of Americans who reached for Purell after hearing Santorum's speech: ~200,000
Number of government benefits that Santorum said existed for immigrants to America in 1923: One (It was freedom! Though it came with some pesky asterisks.)
Number of speakers who slammed Barack Obama's lack of experience in the lemonade stand sector of the economy: Two, Reince Priebus and Kelly Ayotte.
Number of Arrested Development fans who would have flocked to the GOP if someone had made "there's always money in the banana stand" the heart of their deficit-reduction platform: thousands.
Number of states Ted Cruz — who is running for Senator from just one state — mentioned in his speech: 7
Percent of John Boehner's speech dedicated to an extended metaphor about a guy walking into a bar, getting thrown out: 50 (Basically, the only thing that won't get you thrown out of this bar is crying. Manly, manly crying.)
Ratio of references to high school dances in Ann Romney's speech to references to dances in a median Taylor Swift song: 4:1
Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Chris Christie, John Boehner, Kelly Ayotte, Marsha Blackburn, Reince Priebus, Republican National Convention, Rick Santorum, Ted Cruz