With apologies to the Associated Press and Politifact, who produce better parodies of their own work than I can muster…
BARACK OBAMA: "Joe Biden, thank you for being the best vice president I could ever hope for."
FACT: Two Pinocchios. Based on a content analysis of the president's speeches, the best vice president Barack Obama could ever hope for is zombie Abraham Lincoln. However, based on another content analysis of Obama's remarks, the president has a shaky understanding of the meaning of "hope," so this statement doesn't qualify as an outright falsehood.
OBAMA: "The first time I addressed this convention in 2004, I was a younger man."
FACT: One Pinocchio. The theory that time exists independently of any perceiver and progresses at a consistent pace throughout the universe is no longer the standard view in modern physics.
OBAMA: "And that's because all [the Republicans] have to offer is the same prescription they've had for the last thirty years: 'Feel a cold coming on? Take two tax cuts, roll back some regulations, and call us in the morning!'
FACT: Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan have never presented themselves as medical doctors.
OBAMA: "You didn't elect me to tell you what you wanted to hear. You elected me to tell you the truth."
FACT: Four Pinocchios. We elected Barack Obama because he talk so purty.
OBAMA: "No democracy works without compromise."
FACT: Parliament is not only the name of a funk band and a cigarette brand, it's also the name of a democratic institution that requires very little inter-party compromise.
OBAMA: "You're the reason there's a little girl with a heart disorder in Phoenix who'll get the surgery she needs because an insurance company can't limit her coverage. You did that."
FACT: I didn't build that. And Barack Obama didn't build that. According to most credible accounts, Nancy Pelosi built that.
OBAMA: "Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless these United States."
FACT: There is no verifiable evidence of God's existence.
OBAMA: "I'm the president."
FACT: This checks out. Though the long-form investigation of this fact would go on for pages.
Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Democratic National Convention