• 9 Ways in Which Mitt Romney Is John Kerry

    As mentioned earlier, the Democratic Party seems intent on turning Mitt Romney in John Kerry in the run-up to the big election in November. But how much work will that actually take? According to my estimates, not very much at all. In fact, i a lot of ways, they're already the same person…

    1. They were both for things before they were against them.
    For Kerry, it was the war in Iraq. For Romney, it's pretty much everything else.

    2. They'll both be spending a lot of time this fall debating Barack Obama.
    Mitt Romney is sooo the new John Kerry, that the Democrats are actually getting the old new John Kerry (a.k.a. John Kerry) to stand in for Mitt Romney in Obama's practice debates.

    3. They are both wealthier than you can even wrap your head around.
    Between him and his wife, the Kerrys are probably worth more than $750 million. However, without any money from his wife, Mitt Romney is estimated to be worth around $250 million, making him the third richest person to ever even try to be president.

    4. They both held higher office in Massachusetts.
    One was a governor and one still is a senator. This one's not that interesting. Let's keep moving along.

    5. They both spent a decent amount of time in France.
    Romney spent nearly three years in his early adulthood not being in Vietnam, traveling around France as a Mormon missionary. Kerry spent childhood summers on his family's estate in Saint-Briac, hanging out with his cousin Brice Lalonde, a one-day socialist who would eventually run for president of France in 1981. He lost. Must be a family thing.

    6. They're both (or have been at any rate) moderately in favor of gay rights.

    Granted, that's Kerry Healey – not John Kerry — on that hot pink pro-gay rights flyer from back in Mitt's more left-leaning days. However, John Kerry has a history of moderate, not particularly emphatic, liberalism with regards to gay rights.

    7. They're both cringe-inducingly awkward with members of the human race.
    Please allow me to go into great detail and verbose intricacy regarding the origins of these cookies which I am suspecting perhaps came from, or came from a business similar to that of 7-11. (That's a mash-up.)

    8. They both somehow managed to let the opposition turn their greatest asset into a huge negative.
    John Kerry was a war hero, and Mitt Romney was a wildly-successful businessman. Somehow or other, they got morphed into a glory-hunting coward and a "vulture capitalist" before they even realized what was happening.

    9. They were both "safe bet" nominees for their party.
    Although there was a lot of excitement in Democratic ranks for Howard Dean eight years, Democrats ultimately decided to play it safe and wound up nominating someone who made up for a lack of charisma with the ostensible ability to beat George W. Bush. I forgot to finish up my research. Can anyone tell me how that plan worked out?

    Photo by Jonathan Wiggs/The Boston Globe/Getty Images

    Tags: John Kerry, Massachusetts, Mitt Romney


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