Welcome to The Indecision 11, our soft-hitting — caressing, really — politics questionnaire for smart, funny people. This week: Dan St. Germain, who, alongside his luxurious beard, has appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show, the Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, the WTF with Marc Maron podcast and too many club stages to count. Get into his podcast, My Dumb Friends (with co-host Sean Donnelly), and follow him on Twitter: @DSGermain.
What's your earliest political memory?
My earliest political memory… I was nine months old and Michael Dukakis walked away from my crib. I heard a door slam, and then my mom was taking me in her arms and whispering, "Daddy's not coming home." (Dan takes a shot of whiskey as a tear begins to form in the corner of his eye.)
What do you think of people who don't vote?
You're either voting and part of the solution or not voting and part of the reason why Papa John's delivers at 10 a.m.
If you could meet any political figure, living or dead, who would it be?
Chester A. Arthur, for inspiring the douchebag hipster moustache of today.
You're trapped in an elevator with the president. Strangely enough, you also have a superpower: the ability to make him do one thing of your choosing. What would you have him do?
I would make him put an end to this so-called Step Up Revolution! And if he doesn't, I shall replace him with the dad from Footloose!
Have you ever supported a candidate, issue or campaign and regretted it later?
Yeah, I regret supporting M.A.D.D. Not Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but Madea Against Dirty Dancing. "You really think you're leaving THIS house wearing THAT dress? Awwwww hell naw!"
You ARE running for office, the highest in the land. What is your campaign slogan?
"Dan St. Germain. Help Build Today to Make a Better Tomorrow." Oh shit! We forgot to stop by Home Depot to pick up building supplies? In that case, "Dan St. Germain. Help Build Tomorrow to Make a Better… Well, Hopefully We'll be Done by Wednesday."
Who do you follow on Twitter for politics news?
I follow Elizabeth Warren on Twitter and Ron Paul on Morse code and carrier pigeon.
Fill in the blank: Washington, D.C. is __________________.
…a place where you can find an increase in defense spending and a decrease in poor people's dreams coming true.
Who's the sleaziest person in politics?
The guy who has to rub Vaseline all over Joe Biden's body before he gives a speech.
Who's the sexiest person in politics?
Tucker Carlson. I'd like to tuck him in my Carlson! Carlson is Latin for crispy butthole.
Tell us a joke.
Mitt Romney's book is entitled No Apology, which is in direct contrast to Joe Biden's book, Dude, I Had No Idea that Was Your Sister.
Previously: W. Kamau Bell
Tags: Dan St. Germain, The Indecision 11