Most people in the fashion world are single-issue voters, and that issue is fashion. America's fashionistas want to know which candidate is going to offer the most style over substance. Who sells the fiercest yoga pants (spoiler alert: Romney). Who features a scarf that looks like an American flag after it's been used in a Middle East protest (spoiler alert: not Romney). The bottom line is, if there's a better way to vote for your candidate of choice than by wearing their apparel, fashionistas don't want to know what it is.
As the resident Indecision style guru (the only one wearing matching socks), I've reviewed President Obama and Mitt Romney's clothing lines to help you decide who to vote in… or out.
T-shirts are the speaking with a slightly Southern accent of your wardrobe: They're comfortable and remind you of who Middle America wants you to be. Unfortunately, Obama's tee reminds you that you're the guy who drinks too much home-brew. The font not only draws the eye to your marsupial beer pouch, but looks like a word search, and the first three letters I see are B-A-D.
Romney's t-shirt, on the other hand, will remind you of the uniform you had to wear for your first job at an electronics store, as well as the managers who fired you for coming in high that one time.
Fashion vote: write-in candidate. Both of these shirts look ill-fitting. The only in or out anyone will see is your belly button style.
One of the most talked about articles of clothing this year was the hoodie, or as Romney's designers call it, the "Pullover Sweatshirt" (white people hoodie). The logo is nice, but the picture makes it look like an article of clothing left at the scene of a fashion crime.
Obama's hoodie looks easy to get on and off, which is something female voters currently taking birth control will like. Or if you're one of those feminist types, this hoodie makes you look hella frumpy, ensuring you may never have to take it off. Also, Obama's designers have done a great job creating an article of clothing that screams unemployed.
Fashion vote: Obama. This look can easily transition from daytime to nighttime sitting on the couch in your parent's basement.
Babies and fashion go together like lima beans and anything: not at all, because they're disgusting. But for whatever reason, politicians love babies and will do whatever it takes to get their vote. Breeders, get ready to swaddle your little monster in closed-minded political beliefs!
Once again, I take issue with Romney not using a model, especially since he claims to be a job creator. Obama's baby model is OK but it doesn't showcase the clothes properly. That's affirmative action for you.
What I like about Romney's design is the logo already looks like a stain. Babies are messy, so it's good to put them in something that will camouflage spills.
Fashion vote: Romney. Mostly because I wish Romney had the balls to call it a one%sie.
Hats are one of the most versatile political accessories. They say a lot about a person's social and economic background while also keeping your hair in place, which is crucial in this election. Both candidates have designed a baseball hat, but baseball hats are just flip-flops for your head. They're for lazy people. What other kinds of hats to the candidates want us to wear?
Romney has a beanie, although he's gone the whitewash route again and called it a "Stocking Cap." Bad move. The men who would buy this hat have never heard anything more gay in their entire lives.
Obama, on the other hand, has chosen a visor. Visors say sporty, rich and the sun is in my eyes. Protecting your skin from the sun is the #1 way to keep your skin from aging into a gross old Republican.
Fashion vote: Obama. The preppy look is very popular with Obama's many rapper friends. Visors have a practical use, too. They help shield your eyes from the political glare so you can see all the change Obama apparently delivered.
Winner: President Obama. Just as long as he doesn't go retro and keeps his promise to be politically fashion Forward.
Tags: Barack Obama, Democrats, Fashion, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Republicans