• Romney's Debate Strategy, Plus! Big Predictions

    Mitt Romney is looking to jumpstart his campaign… again (don't flood the engine, Mitt!) with Wednesday's debate in Colorado. This is his last best chance to turn things around, and here's how Team Romney will do it.

    What You'll Hear
    Expect Romney to come out swinging on major issues. I predict more zingers and "Oh no he DI'IN'T" moments than a Brooklyn high school cafeteria, plus all the sophistication of a mixed martial arts cage match.

    Romney's top talking points? Glad you asked:

    1. Obama is weak. Just look how weak he is. That guy picked him up in a pizzeria that one time. Romney could drive the point home by busting out a pair of dumbbells.

    2. Obama hates America! Proof? You don't need proof for something everyone knows anyway. I smell an apple pie bake-off, or a bald eagle calling contest.

    3. Obama's gonna take your guns… actually, no, gun control has no place in the national conversation. Why start now and make things all awkward?

    4. Shoutout to Ann Romney, but just a quick one. As Romney said in his infamous Mitt Gone Wild video, "People could get tired of her."

    5. Obama hates on success. Here Romney could go full-tilt gangsta. Look, he pays 14.1% in taxes. That's only .9% less than families making $15K a year. Can a brother live?

    6. Obamacare sucks, Romneycare rocks. C'mon, a little cognitive dissonance never hurt anyone.

    7. Obama hasn't turned the economy around. If Mitt Romney had been president, the recession would've ended in a week, tops, and by now there'd be a car elevator in every home.

    What You Won't Hear
    Landing punches is important, but Romney needs dodging skills, too. Luckily he's had plenty of experience with that–just ask the Vietnam draft officers.

    Here's what you won't hear when Romney takes the stage:

    1. Predator drones. Or rather talk of predator drones. (You wouldn't hear the drones anyway. That's why they work.)

    2. Off-color race jokes. Save 'em for the private fundraisers.

    3. Details about Romney's tax plan. As Paul Ryan said on Meet The Press, "He doesn't have time to explain it." Wow! Is his tax plan also string theory? Oh well, there'll be plenty of time to learn about it after the election.

    4. Heartwarming pet anecdotes. Although it happened years ago, that Seamus story still dogs Mitt Romney. See what I did there?

    5. Mormonism. Touting one's faith used to be a go-to tactic for candidates, but Romney's worked hard to downplay his religion, because he's that committed to the separation of church and state. Just kidding, he's afraid swing voters will think Mormons are weird.

    Who'll Win Debate #1
    "Okay, Jordan, enough with the punditry! Cut to the chase!" I hear ya. The real question is, who'll win this thing? And I have the answer: Wolf Blitzer.

    Yes, I realize he's not moderating any of the presidential debates. I know he doesn't work for either campaign. But the fact is, Wolf Blitzer will win. Why?

    Because Wolf Blitzer always wins.

    Photo via Jessica Kourkounis – Stringer/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Indecision Delegates, Mitt Romney

comments

About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.