Welcome to The Indecision 11, our soft-hitting — caressing, really — politics questionnaire for smart, funny people. This week: Phoebe Robinson, proprietor of Blaria.com (that's Black Daria, for those not in the know). She's performed stand-up at several major festivals, including the New York Underground Comedy Festival and the Women in Comedy Festival, and she's written for the New York Times, Time Out New York and The Smoking Jacket. She's also appeared on TV Guide's "100 Shows to See Before You Die" and "25 Biggest Reality Star Blunders." She frowns upon you following her in real life, but totally feel free to track her every move on Twitter: @PRobinsonComedy.
What's your earliest political memory?
The whole Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky beej situation. However, I was about ten or eleven at the time, so my parents shielded me from all the salacious details, so what I took away from it was like, "Whoa! There's a trial about what the definition of 'is' is because the president doesn't know what that word means?" For a while, I thought that was the big controversy. And when I'd join adult conversation about it, I'd chime in and go, "I can't believe him!" I'm sure these folks were weirded out that this little girl was so passionate about oral sex and husbands cheating on wives. And it's like, no, dude, I was super pissed about his basic misunderstanding of the word "is." I didn't realize it was a stalling tactic.
What do you think of people who don't vote?
I probably wouldn't care if people didn't vote in elections if they also didn't vote in things like American Idol. When I voted for Taylor Hicks to win AI–don't judge me–I knew that meant that I had to vote in the next three presidential elections in order to make things right with the world and with Jesus. Point is, it's kind of ludicrous to choose not to vote in one circus and not the other. At least in politics some actual changes can be made.
If you could meet any political figure, living or dead, who would it be?
Angela Davis, because that's who some White people say I look like, which is really just code for "You have an afro and that's 'scary Black.'" So, Ang and I would meet and say to each other, "So and so says we look alike. We don't look alike. We DON'T look alike. Wanna rage dance to NWA's Fight the Power a la Rosie Perez in Do the Right Thing?" Instant friends! Because, honestly, 25% of all conversations among Black women boils down to how some White people straight-up tell us to our faces how we all look alike.
You're trapped in an elevator with the president. Strangely enough, you also have a superpower: the ability to make him do one thing of your choosing. What would you have him do?
I'd make President Obama reenact all twenty-two chapters of R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. I think it would have a cool effect like when William Shatner spoke/sang "Rocket Man."
Have you ever supported a candidate, issue or campaign and regretted it later?
No. I regret nothing.
If you ran for office, what would your campaign slogan be?
"Don't Touch My Hair, Unless You're Already Touching It and Then Decide to Ask, 'Can I Touch Your Hair?' Because That Ship Has Already Sailed At This Point, So I Guess It's Fine, But It's Not Really Fine." Probably too many words for a bumper sticker, but it's totally what's in my heart.
Who do you follow on Twitter for politics news?
HuffPo, obviously, and not because they published some posts from my Blaria blog, but when my tiny girl brain is too overwhelmed with reading political news on their site, they never fail to give me some reprieve by having a story about B-list celebs' sideboob action. I literally click every single time.
Fill in the blank: Washington, D.C. is __________________.
…not a real city, which in New York-speak means "What do you mean, Duane Reade isn't open 24 hours and I can't get pizza at 3 a.m.?" After living in NYC for ten years I've become incredibly spoiled by having access to anything, so whenever I go to another city and an establishment is closed, I'm like, "This is bullcrap."
Who's the sleaziest person in politics?
Who isn't, ya know? If I had to choose, I'd say Todd Akin and Donald Trump are probably the worst.org/donations.
Who's the sexiest person in politics?
Oh, that dude who cheated on his wife, Gavin Newsom. Haha. Great. I'm sure that's what he enjoys being known as. Anyway, I just Googled him to make sure he's still hot (he is) and this is Wikipedia's opening line about him: "Newsom is a fourth-generation San Franciscan." Probably the least interesting thing you can say about a person and way worse than what I said about him. That sentence is what we call in the biz a "lady boner killer."
Tell us a joke.
Because of Law & Order: SVU, every time I throw out my old underwear, I feel like I'm throwing away evidence.
Photo by Christopher Puente
Previously: Connor Ratliff
Tags: Phoebe Robinson, The Indecision 11