• The Black Helicopters Are Coming for Paul Ryan's Abs

    From last week's positive jobs report to today's Labor Department release announcing that initial claims for unemployment benefits decline to 339,000 — the lowest level since early 2008 — the economy has shown steady signs of improvement. This week's op-ed pages provide an explanation. Our consumer spending is now driven entirely by conservatives buying 1) conspiracy theories, 2) glamour shots of Paul Ryan.

    For proof, consider the three best opinion pieces published this week…

    1. Jack Welch complaining in the pages of the Wall Street Journal that snarky journalists poking fun at his conspiracy-theorizing represent this generation's Gulag Archipelago…

    "Imagine a country where challenging the ruling authorities — questioning, say, a piece of data released by central headquarters—would result in mobs of administration sympathizers claiming you should feel "embarrassed" and labeling you a fool, or worse.

    "Soviet Russia perhaps? Communist China? Nope, that would be the United States right now, when a person (like me, for instance) suggests that a certain government datum (like the September unemployment rate of 7.8%) doesn't make sense."

    2. Not satisfied with opinion pieces about metaphorical black helicopters, The Hill chose to go with a Dick Morris piece on literal black helicopters…

    "It should come as no surprise that President Obama will raise taxes if he is reelected. But here’s the shocker: he will invite the United Nations to tax Americans directly. And the proceeds would go directly to the Third World. In this way, Barack Hussein Obama will, indeed, realize the dreams of his father.

    "In our new book, Here come the black helicopters!: UN global governance and the loss of freedom, Eileen and I describe how there is now pending in the U.N. all kinds of plans to tax Americans and redistribute their wealth — not to other Americans, but to other countries."

    3. Finally, less a conspiracy theory than a brain aneurysm masquerading as writing, our third entry comes from the American Thinker

    "Ryan flexing his pecs on nationwide television? Worth two whole points. Maybe three. We could take Pennsylvania. Somebody get his shirt off for fifteen minutes in front of the right camera, and we've got this election sewn up. This Thursday night, do you know where your wife or girlfriend is going to be? Sitting right in front of the TV watching the Ryan/Biden debate. You'll see.  She'll be smiling, too."

    You guys, I know advertising revenue is down, journalism as a whole is in dire straights and consolidation is the only way for many media firms to save themselves. But did everyone have to merge with WorldNetDaily this week?

    Photo by Faleh Kheiber-Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Dick Morris, Jack Welch, Media, Wall Street Journal, WorldNetDaily


About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.