Why Is Paul Ryan Trying to Kill Himself?

Maybe the pressure's finally getting to him. Or maybe there's something we don't know about Paul Ryan.

Something dark and despairing.

And hungry…

[Ryan] ate a tuna salad sandwich for lunch and will eat salmon with rice for dinner, an aide said.

Any hypochondriac worth their meticulously-rationed salt knows tuna is loaded with mercury. If the salmon's farmed, which, let's be real, it always is, it has high levels of dioxins and PCBs. And just the other day we learned that eating rice can raise arsenic levels in your body by 44 percent!

Running at the bottom of the Romney ticket isn't anybody's dream job, but come on, Paul. You're a young man. Don't give up just yet.

Previously:
The Black Helicopters Are Coming for Paul Ryan's Abs
The Paul Ryan Debate Workout

Photo by Tom Williams/Roll Call/Getty Images