• The Republican FAQ on Women's Health

    With so much misinformation floating around on the Internet, it's hard to know who to trust when it comes to your health. Here — with the help of members of the House Committee on Science and Technology, medical doctors and assorted experts on the business of ladybusiness — is an assemblage of the cutting-edge science you won't find on WebMD. Call it WebGOP.

    Q: I recently read that the United States ranks 50th in maternal mortality. Can this be true? Is there really some risk to my health while I'm pregnant?

    If there's one thing besides the earnings gap, a shortage of affordable child care, cultural double-standards and a lack of female representation in political office that you shouldn't worry your little womanly head about, it's health risks during pregnancy. As Rep. Joe Walsh explained yesterday, "with modern technology and science, you can't find one instance" of women dying in childbirth.


    Q: I'm a woman who has recently had unprotected sex with a man who I later learned was HIV-positive. Should I get myself tested?

    Was this "man" a chimp? If not, there's no need to worry, says Tennessee state Senator Stacey Campfield

    "Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community…It was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall…My understanding is that it is virtually — not completely, but virtually — impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex."


    Q: I keep reading about studies purporting to show that red wine and chocolate increases longevity. Is there anything else I can do to live a longer and healthier life?

    Two words: bigger tits. Don't take my word for it, let obstetrician and U.S. Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma explain, as he did during a hearing about a class-action law suit filed by recipients of defective silicone implants…

    "I thought I would just share with you what science says today about silicone breast implants. If you have them, you're healthier than if you don't. That is what the ultimate science shows … In fact, there's no science that shows that silicone breast implants are detrimental and, in fact, they make you healthier."

    Remember, the intense pain and burning means it's working.


    Q: I'm the victim of a sexual assault. Do I need to take an emergency contraceptive?

    No. While Todd Akin, of the House Science Committee, offered the most recent explanation for why morning-after pills or abortificants are unnecessary for women who have been raped, Pennsylvania State Rep. Stephen Freind once offered the most scientific description of this phenomenon,  "When that traumatic experience is undergone, a woman secretes a certain secretion, which has a tendency to kill sperm."

    This view is not without controversy, however. While some attribute these womanly powers to "secretions," others suggest that during a rape "the juices don't flow," and others still point to "spastic tubes." Former director of the Arkansas Department of Health and ex-congressman Fay Boozman, meanwhile, posited the existence of "God's little shield."


    Q: I don't want to question your scientific credentials, but I appear to have been impregnated by my rapist. Needless to say, it's been a difficult time. Can you point me to some resources to coping with this?

    I think you are disrespecting our scientific credentials. Makes me wonder if this was indeed an "honest rape," in the words of Dr. Ron Paul.

    Nevertheless, there is something you can do. Take your rape lemons and make them into baby lemonade. Explains Rick Santorum

    I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you.


    Q: Should I give my daughter the HPV Vaccine?

    Not unless you want your daughter to be mentally retarded, according to the only medical resource anyone can trust: random people who walk up to Rep. Michele Bachmann.


     Q: I recently read that the United States is moving closer to allowing women to serve in direct combat positions in the military? Is there any physiological reason I should avoid enlisting in a combat-eligible military specialty?

    While your desire to serve your country is admirable, perhaps your talents are best used knitting yellow ribbons and raising the soldiers of tomorrow. There are "physical limitations," as per Rick Santorum, but also subtler dangers according to Newt Gingrich …

    If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they don't have upper body strength…On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know.


    Q: A mandatory ultrasound (thanks guys!) has revealed that I'm carrying a stillborn fetus. Should I undergo an abortion to avoid the psychologically painful process of giving birth to a dead fetus?

    No. The closest physiological analogue we have to a homo sapien woman is the Bos taurus, or cow. And though it's painful for farmers who observe the birthing of stillborn calves, the cows themselves do  just fine, explains Georgia state Rep. Terry England

    "Life gives us many experiences… I've had the experience of delivering calves, dead and alive. Delivering pigs, dead or alive. It breaks our hearts to see those animals not make it."


    Q: I'm sorry, I'm going to have to insist on an abortion in this instance. Can you at least point me to a reputable provider?

    Although Alaska state Rep. Alan Dick "would have a little more peace about" it if such procedures required a "man's signature," we can still offer some options. Louisiana congressman John Fleming recommends Planned Parenthood's new $8 billion abortionplex.


    Should any of these science facts prove to be lacking, please refrain from resorting to the many many websites claiming to offer empirical peer-reviewed (or "liberal academic") evidence on these matters. If you must seek a second opinion, let it be the Lord's.

    Tags: Abortion, Conservatives, Health, Health Care, Men and Women, Republicans, Science & Technology, Women's Rights


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