Utah's state auditor race is getting nasty, or as the Salt Lake Tribune says, "barbs are flying."
This being the Beehive State, those "barbs" consist of Mark Sage's opponent calling Sage a "puppeteer." Burn Notice: Salt Lake City, starring Donny Osmond, Jon Heder and Ken Jennings! Okay, "puppeteer" doesn't sound harsh, but swear words have lost their bite anyway. You can only put so much Sriracha on your scrambled eggs before you stop tasting anything. Maybe it's time for some new hot sauce around here: puppeteer, three-hole-punch, wet VAC. These are your new curses. Memorize them, own them, you dwindling blenders.
Now here's the factcheck. Accused puppeteer Mark Sage may actually dabble in puppeteering.
How do we know? Sage is an independent film producer who's currently working on an animated movie, and someone who's willing to work with drawings is someone who's probably willing to work with puppets. Besides, it almost feels like puppeteering is the next wave of hip jobs, like when everyone went to library school.
My question is this. Why shouldn't puppeteering be relevant to a state auditor? Puppets could help explain the job to those of us writing this sentence who don't know what a state auditor does. We could all learn a lot from Too-packed For-sure, the lovable budget redundancy hip-hop squirrel.
Let's face it, a state auditor campaign isn't sexy. The crazy egos of, say, a sheriff's race don't fly when auditors are in the ring. Americans like things big: sodas, buffets, any body part that can be injected with silicone, political personalities. Meanwhile, Utah's state auditor race has come down to how frugal the candidates can be. Just look at Mark Sage's website. So sparse, so clean. The man does not throw videos and slideshows and pop-up windows around all willy-nilly, like some sort of wet-VACing fat cat.
Lest you worry that Sage's campaign is nothing but puppeteering defense, let me assure you, he's playing offense, too. Sage says his three-hole-punch of an opponent will have trouble making independent decisions since he's a member of the Utah House. Which, yeah. Why do we let non-independent people make decisions at all? You don't let mom pick out your outfits, you call up your neighbor Rusty with the sweet Trans-Am. Sage also supports an independent commission for election redistricting. Which, again, yeah. Maybe it's best not to let a majority-controlled House decide if we're going to play basketball on an ice skating rink or in a bowl of pasta. Sounds like Sage advice to me.
David Brooks' job, please.
Photo via UtahDemocrats.org.
Previously: Rocky315W, "Rocky write-in picture show"
Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. Sage a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:
Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.
Tags: One of a Kind Candidates, Utah