H. David Werder is running for Florida's 11th district Congressional seat, but more importantly, back in the '80s, Werder sat on top of a flagpole for 439 days, 11 hours and six minutes, which seems like enough.
He did it to protest the price of gasoline, and I have absolutely no questions why he decided to do this. The many, many questions I have surround the how. In movies, we have to suspend disbelief that people never have to go to the bathroom or do laundry or anything that normal people do. But this is a man, a real man, on a pole outside of an appliance store for more than a year. The logistics boggle. Did he get timeouts? How many buckets on a rope did he have, and how many functions did each bucket serve? Does OPEC even know about his defiant pole sitting? And who in the love of god was on the other end of the non-mail/food bucket, and what were they doing with their lives? Werder certainly knew what he was doing. He is a flagpole sitter. They say if you love the flagpole you sit on, you’ll never work a day in your life. On account of the flagpole.
The fact is, Mr. Werder really does not like expensive oil. And even though he's a Democrat, he wants the U.S. to suck every drop of energy we can out of these amber waves of grain. Yes, yes, he wants renewable energy, as any socialist French anchor baby should, but he also relates to the cigar-smoking sorts by calling for an increase in onshore and offshore drilling. This guy just wants us dripping with energy, much like the celebrated artist R. Kelly.
Many of the papers in Florida have written Werder off. Frankly, they're kind of being dicks about it. Sure, he's a perennial candidate (seven times a-running!), and the closest he's ever gotten is 12% of the vote. And sure, the stories bring up the flagpole thing a lot. But Werder brings up the flagpole thing a lot too, because he knows sitting on top of a flagpole for more than a year is no less applicable to elected office than any other job.
Werder does seem to be getting savvier with his campaign. Seven go-arounds can do that for a man. Last time, Werder appeared on the ballot as "H. David 'the flagpole sitter' Werder." This time he's dropping the nickname. The greatest trick a flagpole sitter ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't sit on flagpoles. Besides, Werder is so much more than that. According to his website, he's a certified Toastmaster and is single.
Also, Werder is really, and I mean really, trying to assure Florida voters he will represent them, no matter what. Really…
when asked what issues he would be willing to discuss compromises, he said he didn't have an answer.
What he does want people to know is that if elected, he would work to present voters' issues at the national level.
"People should know that I'm willing to represent everyone," Werder said. "If you tell me you want me to file a bill about killing possums, I should be willing to bring that bill up, whether I'm willing to vote for it or not. I would let it stand on its own."
Do you know what you've got here, people of Tampa Bay suburbia? A man who will stand with you when you call for the mass slaughter of possums. What more do you need?
Photo by Royce Bair/Flickr/Getty Images
Previously: Mark Sage, "Puppeteer and proud"
Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. Werder a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:
Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.
Tags: Florida, One of a Kind Candidates