People who "can't choose between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney" don't really exist. They've been invented by the media. You know who's real? People who can't decide whether to vote or sit on the couch and jerk it… again. That's undecided.
Look. After an entire year of campaigning, debating, baby-kissing, ass-kissing, baby ass-kissing (do they do that? I don’t know) and outright bullshitting, the only way you're an undecided voter is if you meet the following criteria:
* You're claustrophobic and voting booths give you the willies.
* You're having cable installed. And the Time Warner guy gave you an installation slot of sometime between 8 a.m. and half an hour after the sun explodes.
* You've learned you can't text in your vote the way you do for "So You Think You Can Dance With The Stars," and now you're not feeling it so much.
* Uhhhh, who's gonna stalk your ex that day if you don't? It's Election Day. It's super hard to find a substitute.
* You're that fifth doctor from the gum commercials who never does what the other four do, namely vote. You just gotta be different, don't you, fifth doctor?
* You're in labor. Selfish pig!
* Tuesday's the only day you get to catch up on "The Walking Dead." Carl!!!
* You're wrestling with whether your third party statement vote is worth it. Sure it is! Do you.
* You won Hanson tickets. Vote or go to the show? It's a tough choice if you love Hanson, because that means you make horrible decisions anyway.
* The wormhole is collapsing. Either you go vote or you're stuck in the year 2012.
* It's the 1860s, you're Black and you're scared of mob violence.
* It's the 1960s, you're Black and you're scared of mob violence.
* It's now, you're Black and… ahh, screw it. Thanks to voter suppression laws you probably won't get to vote anyway! One less thing to worry about.
* You live in New York City, and if the subway isn't running by Tuesday you'll have to walk eighty blocks from your cousin's sister-in-law's Upper East Side apartment to get to your polling place. And if the subway IS running, you'll have to ride the subway like a common person. Yucky!
So if you meet any of these criteria, fine, you may be too undecided to vote. If not, get off your duff and participate in American democracy — unless you're voting for someone I don't like.
Previously: 5 Kinds of Undecided Voters You'll Meet Tonight
Photo by Lisa Stokes/Flickr/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Election Day 2012, Indecision Delegates, Mitt Romney