• Exclusive West Coast Election Day Report

    If palm trees were votes, President Obama would have already won, my friends. As your West Coast reporter (L.A., baby!), I'm happy to say that we're all just sitting here watching these little Eastern states freak everyone out. Relax, man. Take a hit off my cataract re-election pipe.

    Mitt Romney won a large swath of the south, and y'all were like "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" and I was like "Wait! Our polls haven't even closed!" and y'all were like "It's over!" and I was like, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Chillax!" Seriously. Chillax.

    I just walked over to the corner store to get a Perrier (with lime!) and there were so many people just… relaxing, walking outside with their children. Carefree. Ready to get Obamacare.

    But even if Romney wins, it's not that big of a deal. Not that much will change. The only thing that really matters to Californians, and should only matter to you, is if porn stars will have to wear condoms.

    Please, America (California). Don't make porn stars wear condoms.

    Tags: California, Election Day 2012, Porn


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