New Hampshire, you are a weird granite nut to crack. Remember when a group of people calling themselves Free Staters piled into a van and moved to New Hampshire, where they planned turn the state into America's #1 libertarian stronghold?
The Free Staters are still outnumbered by Regular Staters, but according to the New Hampshire Union Leader, they're sneaking into state races like sneaky little sneaksters. Take Tim O'Flaherty, a Free Stater who's running for state rep in Manchester as a Democrat against Republican Free Stater Dan Garthwaite, who is also Tim's roommate. There are so many more layers to this onion.
The opponents live together in a Free State group house, which is something that actually exists in this world. We must assume there's eight gallons of milk in the fridge, because there’s no sharesies for this bunch. And apparently, Tim is more of an "anarchist Free Stater," while Dan is more of a "statist Free Stater." Tension! Maybe? Also, Free Staters prefer to be called porcupines? We're learning so much.
Roommates and campaign opponents: that this is not yet a sitcom is a travesty. Just think of all the hilarious shenanigans they'd get up to! One doesn't do the dishes, while the other launches a vitriolic attack ad comparing his roomie to Hitler. Cue the laugh track! Cue the bro hug, the awwwws and fade out.
There's no doubt that O'Flaherty's situation is absurd. But it's not even the most absurd part of this story. Fact: Tiny New Hampshire has 400 state representatives. In other words, pretty much everyone who lives there is a state rep candidate at some point. If you're running for state rep, your opponent might be campaigning from INSIDE your house. Happy Halloween or Election Day or whatever, everybody!
Oh boy, there is a lot to unpack here. Backstory: Before sending the final draft of this post to my [brilliant, gracious, patient -ed.] editor, I emailed Tim to get the scoop on his race, and, well… I've lost my grasp on what is real in this world.
Here is what Tim told me when he finally replied, or at least these are the words that appeared in front of me. This may be a symphony written by a ghost orchestra. Are we dreams that feast on illusions?
Things were hot and heavy when Dan and I first met and we found ourselves living in the same boarding house. We have had some heated political arguments but I haven't been able to persuade Dan to turn from his Statist beliefs. Lately we've been looking for ways to keep things interesting in the bedroom and we've been exploring some roleplaying. Dan likes to play the cop/thug, forcing me to lick his jackboot.
I've become concerned recently that our roleplaying was counter-revolutionary and contrary to my anarchist principles. Violent revolt was a looming prospect but Dan (the consummate Statist and devout believer in the Democratic Faith) suggested we put the matter to a vote. We agreed we would both run for State Representative but on opposite sides of the ticket, the winner gets to choose his role to play in the bedroom.
Now voters in Manchester's Ward 5 will decide the outcome. If Dan beats me in the election his Statist domination will continue unchecked. If voters should choose me they will quite literally be saying "Fu*% the State(ist)." Please tell your readers to spew their vitriol on my Facebook page.
Goodnight and good luck. Sweet criminy, good luck.
Previously: H. David Werder, "Sitter, not a quitter"
Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. O'Flaherty a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:
Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.
Tags: New Hampshire, One of a Kind Candidates