• Take These Polls Out of Your Asses, America

    All your stupid polls

    The onslaught of polling data can be confusing, so I've compiled the most important facts and figures to let you know where the election stands here on Super-est Tuesday.

    * 51% of voters in Ohio and Florida have used the phrase "Not in THIS economy!" within the last two weeks. (Source: Gallop Polling Group International)

    * 49% of likely voters in North Carolina believe Mitt Romney is "Ennh," while 51% believe Barack Obama is "Whuh? Bleh." (Source: Rassenhavermussenstein Polling Center)

    * 67% of Democrats in New York say they have seen Barack Obama's sleigh traveling through the night sky on Christmas Eve. (Source: UAADC – Unbiased Americans for Any Democratic Candidate)

    * 16% of Nevada voters are "satisfied" with the Obama administration's handling of the economy. Coincidentally, the same 16% said they would be "satisfied" with "a one-room shack with a dirt floor and some old corn in a bowl to eat." (Source: Americans for Whatever National Polling Project)

    * 79% of swing-state voters who say they're voting for Mitt Romney claim they have "never seen the YouTube" because "this damn remote control has too many buttons." (Source: Americans for Fewer Change)

    * 50% of all registered voters believe that Jesus is coming back to summon his faithful to heaven before the final battle of Armageddon. The other 50% describe their reaction to this news as "terrified," "confused" or "can I get a skim latte?" (Source: Cup o' Joe Polling, a division of Ubiquity Worldwide)

    * 33% of Florida voters have considered "disappearing into the swamp, there to live by my own laws." (Source: Washington Post/ABC News)

    * 56% of Virginia voters over the age of 40 claim they have never seen a homosexual. (Source: Rooters Online)

    * 0.04% of voters nationwide have read a book that didn't contain vampires, S&M or teenagers fighting to the death in a dystopic future within the past year. (Source: Gov You, MotherGovver!)

    * 39% of Ohio voters under the age of 25 describe Paul Ryan as "old," but 13% describe him as "totally old." (Source: U.T.I. Polling)

    * 19% of New Hampshire voters believe it should be illegal to do something they've never done. (Source: Google/Bing)

    * 47% of Americans "agree strongly" with the statement "Waaaaagh! Waaaaaaaugh! Gimme! Gimme gimme gimme! I need! I neeeeeed!" (Source: Romney/Ryan 2012)

    * 78% of female voters in Iowa believe that women should have the right to vote. (Source: Gravis Marketing & World Domination)

    So what's the bottom line? What does it all mean? Who will win? Who will lose? Who will file the first lawsuit? Look, if you can't figure that out from the data above, there's nothing more I can do for you. Maybe you should just give up and move to Canada, where they don't even have numbers.

    Indecision's Official Election Predictions
    5 Signs of an Unbearable Day from Dixville Notch

    Photo by Steve Cole/Digital Vision/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Election Day 2012, Indecision Delegates, Mitt Romney, Polls


About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.