• One of a Kind Candidate: Kenneth Gist, Mayor, Woodruff, SC

    Woodruff, SC City Hall

    Hey poll-heads, stop hitting refresh on FiveThirtyEight. It's over. But if you're in need of that sweet, sweet election fix, we hear there's some action down in Woodruff, South Carolina.

    Mortician Kenneth Gist's win in the Woodruff mayoral race is under protest, and the county election commission invalidated the results. That means Gist is going to have to fire up his boiler room and run the whole race again.

    Gist probably isn't thrilled about this, but election addicts are–they get to scratch that itch a little longer. Everybody pile in the van, someone wind up Bob Schieffer and let's get Wolf Blitzer-ed!

    Speaking of which, go on, Karl Rove, here's your chance to sink some money into a campaign and make a difference for once. We'll even let you have first pick of candidates: Gist's opponents include incumbent Mayor Brad Burnett, who has alliteration going for him, and Lisa P. White, who doesn't. It's time for the ol' Turd Blossom to get his groove back.

    And if you want some high-stakes drama in your elections (who doesn't, except maybe Al Gore?) Gist won the first count by only 52 votes. Fifty-two! If those votes were dollars, we're talking a few cases of beer and some pork sandwiches worth of constituents. Add some of that crazy-delicious mustard barbecue sauce, and forget about it, this election is over. What I'm trying to say is, the citizens of Woodruff can vote as often as they want–Gist looks like a shoo-in.

    For starters, he'd be Woodruff's first African American mayor. But as Gist told the local paper, "I don't want to emphasize that I'm [Woodruff's] first African-American mayor." I know, I know. As it stands, his quote appears unprompted, which makes it sound as if he very much wants to emphasize that he's Woodruff's first African-American mayor. What we don't know is how much editorial sleight-of-hand went into this report. You can't always trust the MSM–just ask Karl Rove.

    But more importantly, Kenneth Gist is the town mortician? Enjoy your wishful thinking, other candidates. His name recognition has got to be through the roof. Roto-Rooter, tent and karaoke rental and a mortician should be the only three entries in the phone book (if phone books still exist). You don't need to be Nate Silver to know that, it's just the inevitability of life. Someday you're going to need a tent.

    Photo of Woodruff City Hall via cityofwoodruff.com

    Previously: Tim O'Flaherty, "Anarchist with a cause"

    Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. O'Flaherty a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:

    Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.

    Tags: One of a Kind Candidates, South Carolina