The David Petraeus-General John Allen-Paula Broadwell-Jill Kelley-Shirtless FBI Wingnut sex pentagon raises many questions: Which role will Julianne Moore play in the HBO movie? Can heterosexuals continue to be trusted to serve in our nation's military and clandestine services? And perhaps most urgently, can people on the Internet resist the urge to be misogynistic twits for just one goddamned minute and enjoy the spectacle without succumbing to sexism, conspiracy mongery or general foolishness?
This quiz will help answer one of these questions. For each category, try to identify whether the statement is intended as comedy or represents un-self-aware douchebaggery…
1. It's all Elizabeth Warren's fault, somehow: "Maybe if Holly Petraeus spent a little less time at the CPFB… Elizabeth Warren and her homewrecking staffers not even in Washington yet and already threatening national security."
2. On second thought, it's all Holly Petraeus's fault: "I would have cheated on this chick too. How you in the Army, but you got a fat wife?"
3. It's a common view: "Just seen a pic of his wife. OMG! No wonder the poor guy had an affair…"
4. Finally, someone stands up for Mrs. Petraeus: "In the case of Gen. David Petraeus and his affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, is there no one who can defend the marital rights of Holly Petraeus, the general's wife of 37 years, without being accused of hypocrisy, prudery or sexism? And what about the husband — father of her two sons — whom the slut Paula Broadwell betrayed?"
5. More slut shaming: "The timing of the rumors of the administration throwing him under the bus after the election is suspect, but in the end I believe she got her claws — so to speak — in him. He had enough honor to know that a cover-up is much worse than a public admission. As a result, I think he can recover and continue to be a player on the national stage, but she's toast. Her reputation is unrecoverable, in my opinion."
6. A twist: "I can't believe that hussy ruined the career of a great soldier. Broadwell had such promise until that slut Petraeus got his claws into her."
7. Maybe the real story is the Obama cover-up: "I think he was getting cold feet about testifying under oath about their party line story, and I suspect that these tough Chicago guys knew of this affair for a while, held it in their back pocket until they needed to play the card."
8. A conspiracy so immense: "The scandal involving former C.I.A. director David Petraeus took a startling twist today, as a leading right-wing conspiracy theorist claimed that Gen. Petraeus initiated his affair with author Paula Broadwell last year to avoid testifying about Benghazi this week."
9. And then there's this: "ABC's Denver affiliate is coming under fire for accidentally running a phony cover of Paula Broadwell's biography of General David Petraeus. The cover read, All Up In My Snatch. The real book title is All In."
Answers: Except for items 6 and 8, which were intended in jest, all other commentary is earnest douchebaggery, or in the case of number 9, an honest and hilarious mistake.
Previously: Tweet Roundup: Pimp My Petraeus
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Tags: David Petraeus, Media, Men and Women, Military, Scandalgate, Sex