Last night Jodie Foster accepted a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Golden Globes and gave a moving/incoherent acceptance speech that's already being analyzed in dozens of unreadable think pieces.
Nobody knew whether Foster was announcing her retirement, coming out of the closet or auditioning for the role of Clint Eastwood in an HBO film about last summer's Republican National Convention. In fact, no speech has generated so much debate since Eastwood's bizarre conversation with a chair. But who wins the prize for rambling on live television?
Best Joke as Measured by Awkwardness
"I think if you kinda stepped aside and Mr. Romney can take over. You can still use the plane. But maybe a smaller one. Not that big gas guzzler you use when you fly visiting colleges talking about student loans. You're an ecological man. Why would you want to drive that truck around?" – Eastwood (Nominee)
"For all of you SNL fans, I'm 50! I need to do that without this dress on, but maybe later. I was going to bring my walker tonight but it just didn't go with the cleavage." – Foster (Nominee)
"I have the sudden urge to say something that I've never said in public… A declaration that I'm a little nervous about, but not quite as nervous as my publicist. I'm gonna put it out there, loud and proud. I'm going to need your support on this… I'm single." – Foster (Winner)
Best Production Design
Eastwood's chair. (Nominee)
Foster's decision to avoid props. (Winner)
Best Twitter Reaction
To restore balance to the Universe, Obama must have Tommy Chong onstage at the DNC talking to a steak.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 31, 2012
This is a perfect representation of the campaign: an old white man arguing with an imaginary Barack Obama.
— Jamelle Bouie (@jbouie) August 31, 2012
Fun Fact: Jodie Foster's entire speech is the title of the next Fiona Apple album.
— Josh A. Cagan (@joshacagan) January 14, 2013
Best Performance by a Cultural Reference Point
"You may be surprised, but I'm not Honey Boo Boo Child." – Foster (Nominee)
"Alright, I'll start it, you finish it. Go ahead … [audience yells: Make my day!]" – Eastwood (Winner)
Overall Best Performance in a Rambling Speech on Live Television
For all its awkward moments, Foster's remarks on privacy and the cost of living in the limelight gave people something to think about. She emerges as the winner, though Daniel Day-Lewis is still going to be the one cast to play Foster and Eastwood in their respective biopics.
Photos by Paul Drinkwater/NBCUniversal/Getty Images and Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Clint Eastwood, Jodie Foster, Television