With Super Bowl XLVII just a few days away, thousands–nay, millions–of American women are panicking, because they don't understand football, and if they don't understand football, their men will leave them. Or cheat on them. Or both.
This is the only logical conclusion that can be drawn from the internet, which contains a wealth of content aimed at–or complaining about–the boob-havers who walk among us, shamelessly displaying their ignorance of end zones and field goals.
Ladies, what the guys won't tell you is that the National Football League (NFL) has more drama and gossip than any episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta! They love, love, love gossiping about football, and there is a lot to gossip about.
Girlfriend, Are You Ready for Some Football? (oprah.com)
Impossible. No silly Ball League can generate more drama and gossip than Te'Keela and Marilol and Corvette and, um, Samantha. (Is one of them named Samantha?)
Men don't question why women have the need for a chocolate brownie topped with ice cream covered in chocolate sauce after dinner. And even though most women are full after dinner, the desert [sic] is an absolute must, is it not? Then on the drive home, do we not patiently listen as you complaint [sic] about your love handles, or how you feel bloated, or how you need to start working out?
Men & Football: Why Women Need to Understand (bleacherreport.com)
Sic. Sic. Sic.
Tomfoolery: Well, one thing I try to do—and this might even sound a little bit demeaning—but I always assign a player on the team to someone I'm going out with so they get a little invested in the team.
Krissy: Aha, someone actually did that with me recently. That's good.
Don't Hate the Game: How to Deal with His Football Obsession (yourtango.com)
"Hey, Krissy, this is Joe Flacco. Isn't he adorable? He's all yours. He lives in a teeny tiny house in Baltimore with his pet crab Crabby and you can dress him up in any outfit you like."
Do Women Not Understand Don't Talk During Football Or Any TV NEWS And Keep The Drinks Cold And The Snacks Coming (experienceproject.com forum)
I am not even going to bother quoting that post, but here is a choice quote from the About section of experienceproject.com: "Experience Project is a comfortable and supportive place for individuals to share and connect with others around the things that matter to them most."
[W]ait until the replay to ask what's going on. Otherwise, remain silent, and go with the flow. You'll pick up the rules as the game progresses. Treat the game as the guy equivalent of The Bachelor season finale. Would you want someone to interrupt every five seconds with silly questions?
A Woman's Guide to Watching Football (tressugar.com)
Omg nooooooooooooooooo. Don't interrupt! Shhhhh! I have to see if Brahd picks Ashleyeigh over Jaydynne!
Get into the spirit. While men love lingerie, the site [sic] of the woman they love wearing their favorite football team's jerseys will definitely turn them on. He won't be ignoring you now. Sit on the couch and cheer along with him or yell profanities.
5 Tips to Survive Football Season as a Couple (Fox News Magazine)
F**k you, you f**king ***-*******.
Ladies, if you've ever tilted your head, wrinkled your nose, and gone "huh?" while watching a football game, you're not alone.
Ladies: Here's Your Football 101 (Yahoo.com's "Contributor Network")
But I am alone, except for my cat and this box of Franzia.
Photo by David Foster/Blend Images/Getty Images
Tags: Football, Internet, Men and Women, Sports, Super Bowl