You may not realize it, but you've probably offended someone today. You see, Presidents' Day is a much more significant holiday than most people recognize, with an etiquette all its own…
* Don't discuss Presidents' Day around foreigners. Some countries, such as the United Kingdom, aren't fortunate enough to have presidents. They have a prime minister, which is like a president who has to answer to a queen, like Jay-Z has to answer to Beyonce. Some foreigners don't even have that. They have a dictator, which is like a president who doesn't have to answer to anybody, like Jay-Z before he married Beyonce.
* Do kiss your money. There's no better way to show your love for the presidents than by contracting hepatitis for them.
* Don't jam an apostrophe in the wrong location. English grammar can be trickier than ol' Dicky Nixon. Before you write your dozens of Presidents' Day cards, review the proper location of the apostrophe. To make it even more of a challenge, I just made a Wikipedia page for President's Day, President's' Day and P'r'e's'i'd'e'n'ts Day.
* Do tell everyone as much presidential trivia as you can. Did you know that George Washington didn't chop down that cherry tree, but did powder his wig with cocaine? Did you know Theodore Roosevelt's mother was a chipmunk?
* Do write a thank-you note to all of our presidents. If they are no longer living, simply address the envelope to The North Pole. (Note: It's best to send these several months before Presidents' Day to give the postal service enough time to deliver them.)
Photo by SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Beyonce, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, Jay-Z, President's Day, United Kingdom