Latest Posts

  • Celebrity Politician Barack Obama Calls Celebrity Politician John McCain a Celebrity

    If feel like I must have missed something back there a week or so ago.

    Like, was I maybe in the bathroom or outside smoking a cigarette when someone explained just why exactly it's bad thing for a politician to be popular

    My favorite part is when — in the middle of this counterattack ad with Ragtime background music (hint, hint) — the Obama people attack "John McCain's Low Road Campaign."

    Tags: Barack Obama, John McCain
  • Barack Obama Texts VP FTW

    hey r u wonderin re: barack obama vp? hes picking some1 soon not hrc lol!!!! n e way hes gonna txt me who it is b4 he tells ne1 else. srsly luv this guy :) k ttyl gotta update facebook status w/BO nrg plan xoxoxoxo

    Tags: Barack Obama, Veepstakes
  • Countdown to Electiony: 85 Days

    Can you guess what monument to the American spirit of sweet, sweet industrialism and capitalism was introduced to our nation back in the year 1885?

    Yep, that's right. It was on February 21st of that very year that President Chester Arthur dedicated the Washington Monument — that 555-foot phallus that pokes its way into the sky above the National Mall in Washington, D.C. — in remembrance of the father of our country President George Washington's own 555-foot phallus.

    But that's not what I'm talking about at all.

    Because, also, in that very same historic year, on June 17th, the Statue of Liberty — the symbol to so many immigrants of a better life, of owning a stake in your government and your future — arrived in New York Harbor, a gift from the people of France, as 350 individual pieces, packed in more than 200 different crates.


    What I'm actually talking about is Dr. Pepper, motherfucker! Yeah! Fuckin' sweet-as-balls, mystery-flavored sulfuric acid in a bottle. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

    According to the U.S. Patent Office, it was on December 1, 1885 that Dr. Pepper — a concoction of pharmacist Charles Alderton in Waco, Texas — was first served. (That's a year before the introduction of Coca-Cola.)

    I'm gonna go get me a cool, refreshing bottle of Dr. Pepper right now (being careful, of course, not to spill any on my exposed skin) and think about just how beautiful our nation really is.

    Go back to Day 86.

    Tags: Election Countdown, France, New York, Texas, Washington DC
  • Countdown to Electiony: 86 Days

    One of the greatest legends of the Great American Pastime has to be the Boston Red Sox's longstanding curse (and by "curse," I mean "history of making idiotic business and coaching decisions, including being the last team in all of Major League Baseball to allow black players") that kept them a losing team for decades.

    However, in 2004, they smashed through that curse and won the World Series for the first time in 86 years, beating the St. Louis Cardinals in four straight games.

    That was the first time they'd been in the Series since 1986, when they fucked up a sure-win in the 10th inning of Game 6 after their first baseman let a ground ball (that any tee-baller could have easily fielded) go through his legs, and then the rest of the team decided to lie down and take it easy for the rest of the series. (Funny how those curses work.)

    Anyway — the curse demolished — the Sox have gone on to win the Series again in 2007 and continue to be one of the strongest teams in the American League, as well as the only team that I dislike more than the Yankees. (Fuck them.)

    Go back to Day 87.

    Tags: Baseball, Election Countdown, Massachusetts, Sports
  • Countdown to Electiony: 87 Days

    Remember David Koresh and the Branch Davidian splinter sect the Seventh-Day Adventist Church in Waco, Texas back in the 90's? You know, the one that was living in a commune and practicing a lot of weird sexual exchange relationships and talking about the coming Apocalypse. What ever happened to them?

    Oh, that's right: They found their Apocalypse. Or, at any rate, it was handed to them at the end of a 51-day siege on by ATF and FBI agents, when a ranging fire consumed their compound, resulting in 87 deaths (including Koresh).

    Just more proof that our federal government knows what it's doing when it comes to taking care of long-haired hippy freaks. Always has.

    Go back to Day 88.

    Tags: ATF, Election Countdown, FBI, Texas