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Dan Poppy
  • Miss U Already: Joe Lieberman

    In which we take a look back at the departing federal lawmakers we'll miss most in 2013.

    Name: Sen. Joe Lieberman ("I"-CT)

    Age: 70

    Terms: 4

    Leaving Congress Because: Retiring

    Best Known For: Getting jowl-deep into Iraq, whether America wanted it or not.

    Memorable Quote: "We are in a three-way split decision for third place." One of the great- nay, the greatest political quote of all time. Step down, Dan Quayle. Stick a pipe in it, JFK. This is the best there ever will be.

    Greatest Accomplishment: He failed to win the support of seniors in Florida in the 2000 presidential election. He's Jewish. It's Florida. The mind boggles.

    Why We'll Miss Him: Getting lost in those jowls for hours. It's like a being in a Snuggie, warmed by the glow of moderate waffling.

    What He's Doing Next: Letting the door hit him on the way out, since nobody went to his goodbye party.

    What the Future Holds for Him: Tinkering with ways to harness the energy potential of Joementum. Discovering that a potato can power a lightbulb. Hanging up his jowls and calling it a day.

    Miss U Already: Dennis Kucinich
    Miss U Already: Scott Brown
    Miss U Already: Ron Paul

    Photo by Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty Images

    Tags: Connecticut, Independent, Joe Lieberman, Senate
  • Miss U Already: Dennis Kucinich

    In which we take a look back at the departing federal lawmakers we'll miss most in 2013.

    Name: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH)

    Age: 66

    Terms: 8

    Leaving Congress Because: Defeated, but also retiring. More likely, his calling is on another planet:

    Best Known For: Calling for a Department of Peace, which makes him a crazy person on this planet.

    Memorable Quote: "Will you marry me?" — to a woman who was entirely out of his league, and everybody said, "huh?!" and then, incredibly, she said yes, and everybody said, "huh."

    Greatest Accomplishment: Tried to impeach Bush/Cheney. Neither of whom is office anymore, ergo, victory Kucinich.

    Why We'll Miss Him: Why do you miss oxygen when you're underwater?

    What the Future Holds for Him: Wins election to rule the galaxy in 3412 as Kucinich the Grey, earning him the nickname Boy Mayor of The Milky Way and Various Celestial Objects.

    Miss U Already: Scott Brown
    Miss U Already: Ron Paul

    Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

    Tags: Democrats, Dennis Kucinich, House of Representatives, Ohio
  • Miss U Already: Scott Brown

    scott brown

    In which we take a look back at the departing federal lawmakers we'll miss most in 2013.

    Name: Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA)

    Age: 53

    Terms: 1

    Leaving Congress Because: Defeated; too sexy?

    Best Known For: This, a thousand times, this. But also a tasteless joke about a curling iron and Martha Coakley's butt.

    Memorable Quote: "Each and every day that I've been a United States senator, I've been either discussing issues, meeting on issues, and secret meetings with kings and queens and prime ministers and business leaders and military leaders."

    Greatest Accomplishment: Teaching us that the tomahawk chop is even more offensive outside a baseball stadium than inside one.

    Why We'll Miss Him: Who else is going to pose for tasteful full-frontals on the Senate floor?

    What He's Doing Next: Whispering "John Kerry for Secretary of State" into a severed pig ear, burying the pig ear, digging up the pig ear as soon as he sees a shooting star, then stringing the pig ear around a pigeon's neck. Wherever the pigeon lands, Brown will call the White House from his cellphone, saying "John Kerry" over and over again until President Obama hangs up. He will do this every day.

    What the Future Holds for Him: Riding his pickup truck through the doors of his new Senate home when he takes over for Secretary of State Kerry. Realizes there is no such thing as a Senate home (when they're in D.C. they live in apartments, where they can do whatever without their wives knowing). Backs up slowly, and returns to one of his six houses.

    Miss U Already: Ron Paul

    Photo by Suzanne Kreiter/Boston Globe/Getty Images

    Tags: John Kerry, Massachusetts, Republicans, Scott Brown, Senate
  • Miss U Already: Ron Paul

    Ron Paul

    In which we take a look back at the departing federal lawmakers we'll miss most in 2013.

    Name: Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX)

    Age: 77

    Terms: 8

    Leaving Congress Because: Retiring

    Best Known For: Delivering thousands of babies, teaching thousands of Americans the correct pronunciation of 'Ayn Rand'

    Memorable Quote: "When the New Money is imposed, every American family must have a Survival Kit of highly liquid, small-denomination silver and gold coins for hand-to-hand use. The Ron Paul Survival Kit – now an industry standard – comes in an official World War II US Army ammo holder." -Ad for The Original Famous Ron Paul Survival Kit

    Greatest Accomplishment: Being spectacularly proud of being spectacularly bad at getting pieces of legislation signed into law. Also, missing 79% of House roll call votes in 2012.

    Why We'll Miss Him: Because we don't know what will fill the void of his fans' YouTube comments.

    What He's Doing Next: Going on the speaking circuit and charging $50,000 per gig, or about 500 gold teeth.

    What the Future Holds for Him: Working with Dennis Kucinich to oppose the use of unmanned military aircraft in The Elves of the Hill vs. The Attack of The Drones. Generating weird search traffic to websites. Maybe taking a nap. Ron Paul could probably use a nap.

    Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    What's Next for Ron Paul?

    Tags: House of Representatives, Republicans, Ron Paul, Texas
  • Candidate Catch-Up: Holly Seeliger, Portland, ME

    Holly SeeligerHey everybody, our burlesque-dancing, Tater Tot-hating Portland (ME) School Board candidate Holly Seeliger won! Or should I say, we all won. Or maybe I should not say that, because election rules are pretty clear on allowing only one winner. Saying "we won" is silly, because we didn't do anything. Hello, sports fans.

    Every race has winners and losers, but the sour-grapes vibe in this Kennebec Journal article on Seeliger's win is something special. According to reporter Randy Billings, Seeliger won despite facing an opponent with "an ideal pedigree" who "unlike Seeliger" is a member of the Parent Teacher Organization and has children in the school district. Randy, Randy, we get it. Seeliger says she was "pleasantly surprised" by her own win, but the story dips slightly from "Hey, can you believe this?" to "Seriously, can you believe this? No, you cannot believe this, because this is unbelievable."

    But maybe Billings' article rubbed me the wrong way because he managed to confuse me, Dan Poppy, with a newly-elected U.S. Congressman and Santa impersonator named Kerry Bentivolio

    Read More »

    Tags: Maine, One of a Kind Candidates