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Dylan and Ethan Ris
  • Inauguration Night Life: The Duds

    In the final installment of our inaugural celebrity series, we'd like to draw your attention to some of the less desirable dignitaries milling around Washington in the past few days.

    Some were recalled from office. Some were reviled by everyone in America who isn't currently listening to an audiobook of Ann Coulter's Godless (narrated by Sean Hannity) at this very moment. And some were just plain rude to us, so we're getting them back right now.

    You've probably heard of Karl Rove, or as George W. Bush calls him, "Turd Blossom." Like his right-wing compatriot Rush Limbaugh, Rove is a fat, bald, bowling pin-shaped man who gets a lot of airtime on Fox News. Although we'd like to think that Rush is better at giving "bunny ears" to liberal bloggers who pose with him at the Apple Store in Bethesda.

    Former California Governor Gray Davis holds the rare distinction of being recalled from office in favor of a steroid-popping, breast groping, Sinbad-co-starring former actor. Arnold Schwarzenegger has racked up a $40 billion budget deficit with two years left in his term, and he still has a higher approval rating than Davis did. That said, Governor Davis and his wife were very nice.

    Up until this week, we were big fans of Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT). When he wasn't embarrassing his neighbors with his messy lawn, he was storming through the Smithsonian, advocating for truthfulness in museum placards about George W. Bush. But our fandom meant nothing to him, as he blew past us at the GE/NBC party, despite his friendly wife wanting to chat.

    It seems that Sen. Sanders was in a rush to go stand by himself in the corner and awkwardly talk to no one. Jerk.

    Tags: Bernie Sanders, California, Inauguration, Karl Rove, Washington DC
  • Inauguration Night Life: The Congresspeople of Congress

    Earlier we gave you a taste of the red-hot celebrities who descended upon Washington in hopes of getting within eyeshot of mega-church mega-star Rick Warren!

    What you may not realize is that inside the Beltway, the likes of Tom Brokaw, Michael Wilbon and company are considered second-tier celebrities. Sure they may have fame and fortune, but can any of those guys invoke cloture on floor debate or suggest the absence of a quorum?

    For those kinds of stars, we want you to meet the men and women who keep Washington running… Escorts.

    But also, here are some photos of us with members of Congress.

    Here's California Congressman Henry Waxman, who celebrated his recent election as Chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee by purchasing a shiny new pair of platform shoes.

    The hottest name in Washington right now (or at least since Rep. Virgil Goode (R-VA) lost re-election) has to be Roland Burris, the brand-new Senator from Illinois. Here he is caught off guard by a man wearing a wet cat on his head, whom he mistook for Governor Rod Blagojevich.

    Sen. Olympia Snowe is a real nice lady who represents the State of Maine. She grew up in Augusta, moved to Auburn, but now lives in Falmouth, which is over under Cuxabexis down to the Penobscot County line, cross to Caucomgomoc, then get on a snow machine and head yourself down to Piscataquis… well… actually you can't get theah from heah.

    We had a great time with Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson, who wants you to know that Omaha is the home of the College World Series and Warren Buffett — and is a great stopover on your way to Wichita.

    And here is Florida Senator Bill Nelson, who is also a nice man. Although come to think of it, maybe this one is Ben Nelson, which would make the other guy Bill. We understand that this kind of confusion is always popping up between President Jimmy Carter and Dwayne "Lil Wayne" Carter.

    Jesse Jackson, Jr. looked trim and fit at the Illinois State Society Gala, and the ladies on his arm would certainly agree. No doubt Jackson had just arrived from a 3 hour sparring session at Sugar Ray Leonard's Maryland gym, preparing for his upcoming prize fight with Rep. Michele "Rambo" Bachmann (R-MN) on the House floor.

    Tags: Ben Nelson, Bill Nelson, California, Florida, Henry Waxman, House of Representatives, Illinois, Inauguration, Jesse Jackson Jr., Maine, Nebraska, Olympia Snowe, Roland Burris, Senate, Washington DC
  • Inauguration Night Life: The Media Elite and Other Stars

    There's a lot more to Inauguration Weekend than waiting for hours in tunnels and getting turned away at Barack Obama's swearing-in ceremony. Some people also build time into their schedules for lobbyist-funded celebrity jizz-fests!

    We were lucky enough to partake in both over the past few days. And as much as we know you'd like photos of us in a cold, damp tunnel, we're just going to skip ahead to the celebrity pics, courtesy of the GE/NBC Universal bash at the National Women's Museum and the Illinois State Society Gala at the Renaissance Hotel.

    Here's NBC News's Tom Brokaw, clearly a little star-struck to be with such prominent bloggers. He regaled us with delightful conversation for at least 3 seconds before wandering off for more sushi.

    Here's ESPN star and Washington Post columnist Michael Wilbon, genuinely pleased to meet a fellow Northwestern alum. Nice guy, and, hey… his home state needs a new governor!

    Here's hard-hitting journalist David Gregory, hit hard by one too many Mai Tais.

    Celebrity Mayor Gavin Newsom of San Francisco with an excited constituent. Newsom asked us to tell you that he has a Facebook page, and you should add him as a friend because maybe, just maybe, he's definitely running for Governor.

    Al Roker was available for small talk about — can you believe it? — the weather, but all Brian Williams wanted to discuss was the Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle Diet.

    Tags: Brian Williams, David Gregory, Inauguration, NBC, Tom Brokaw, Washington DC
  • Everything You've Never Wanted To Know About the Obamas' New School

    As you've no doubt heard from People Magazine, the New York Times and the National Intelligence Briefing, Malia and Sasha Obama will soon be attending Sidwell Friends School in Washington, DC.

    Well good news for our employers at Comedy Central: It just so happens that we are graduates of the very same school. Finally, your investment in us has paid off!

    Below, we've answered some of the most frequently asked questions about Sidwell Friends to provide you an inside perspective on the future lives of our nation's First Kids (and hopefully score a reference in an upcoming Jonas Brothers episode.)

    Q: What is the deal with the name Sidwell Friends? It's so gay.

    A: The name is actually a religious reference. Sidwell Friends was founded by the group commonly known as Quakers, whose official name is the Religious Society of Friends.

    Q: Oh, I know the Quakers! They're the ones who wear old clothing and don't use electricity or zippers and ride around in…

    A: No, you're thinking of the Amish.

    Q: …a horse and buggy like it's colonial days! And they're all peasants named Methuselah or something Biblical like that and–

    A: No, that's definitely the Amish. The Quakers are totally different.

    Q: Will Malia and Sasha be the first politician's children to attend Sidwell?

    A: Definitely not. Tricia Nixon went there! (Also Chelsea Clinton, Al Gore III, three Biden grandchildren, Teddy Roosevelt's son, the child of basically every elected Democrat in Washington, blah blah blah.)

    Q: Were the kids cruel at Sidwell? Did they ever make fun of Chelsea Clinton's appearance during her awkward teenage years?

    A: No, they left that to John McCain.

    Q: I'm confused. I thought that Barack Obama would never send his kids to a Quaker School, but rather a Secret Muslim Madrassa — perhaps even an al-Qaeda training camp.

    A: Sadly, the press scrutiny would be too harsh if he did that. Sasha and Malia will hopefully get plenty of terrorist training, though, because Sidwell's Head of School is retiring, and esteemed educator Bill Ayers is surely on the short list to replace him.

    Q: Do the girls have any chance of success with a Sidwell education?

    A: Absolutely. They could be news anchors, SNL comedians, wacky TV scientists, CIA directors… The list goes on.

    Q: And if they fail?

    A: They can become online humor columnists.

    Tags: Al Gore, Amish, Barack Obama, Chelsea Clinton, Joe Biden, John McCain, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Sasha Obama, Sidwell Friends, Theodore Roosevelt
  • Robert Byrd Scandalously Replaced By a Man 8/9ths His Age

    Talk about ageism! Discriminatory Senators apparently decided that West Virginia Democrat Robert C. Byrd was simply too old for his post as Chairman of the powerful Appropriations Committee. So they forced him out and replaced him with a much younger man.

    Who's only 84!

    Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-W.Va.), 90, the longest-serving senator in U.S. history, announced yesterday that he is stepping down as chairman of the Appropriations Committee, one of the most powerful panels on Capitol Hill.

    Byrd, whose penchant for steering billions of dollars to his state made him a legend at home and in the Senate, will relinquish his gavel under pressure from Democratic leaders who believe he has become too frail to continue in such an important job.

    Sen. Daniel K. Inouye (D-Hawaii), 84, the second-ranking Democrat on the panel for decades, is expected to succeed Byrd as chairman.

    This whippersnapper Inouye may think that he is the bee's knees, but he needs to learn some respect for his elders. That young hotshot probably doesn't even remember the Coolidge Administration!

    Now, Byrd may have resigned by choice. But the pederast Democratic leadership certainly backed him into a corner with unhelpful accusations that…

    * He sleeps through Senate proceedings, even when the leader is speaking.

    * His now frequent religious outbursts are way archaic; today's hip young Senators are all about praise metal.

    * He's developed a nasty recurring habit of nearly dying.

    Well hopefully the Senate knows what they're getting themselves into. Just remember that back when Daniel Inouye was still in diapers, Robert Byrd was valiantly serving his country as a kindergarten student.

    Fortunately for West Virginians who are concerned that Byrd's name doesn't grace enough public works, the nine-term Senator will keep his seat on the Appropriations Committee, even if he's not the chairman anymore.

    And fortunately for Americans who voted against John McCain last week because they thought he was far too young for the presidency, Byrd will continue to serve as President Pro Tempore of the Senate, putting him fourth in line for the Oval Office!

    Tags: Robert Byrd, Senate, West Virginia