Latest Posts

Dylan Ris
  • David Axelrod: The Secret Muslim Socialist's Karl Rove

    When the Bush Administration abdicates its throne in January, it will leave behind the redefinition of several administrative roles. The American vice president, for instance, is now a joint member of the executive and legislative branches as well as his own military branch in the war against pheasant-hunting old men.

    Even more drastically changed is the role of White House Senior Advisor, which Karl Rove transformed from a middling policy job to one of great importance — ranking somewhat above U.S. President, but slightly below CEO of ExxonMobil.

    Now with Rove banished to Fox News, (where he becomes the most liberal employee following the departure of Alan Colmes), the White House Advisor job transfers to David Axelrod, Barack Obama's longtime strategist.

    Fun facts about Axelrod…

    * He kind of hates Karl Rove.

    * He is Jewish. This makes him an unlikely co-conspirator in Obama's planned destruction of Israel, which was reported by noted foreign policy analyst Joe the Plumber.

    * He probably had a lot to do with Hillary Clinton's Secretary of State nomination, since she practically cured cancer as a favor to his wife.

    * Although he sports the classic "advisor's mustache," he's still miles behind the dean of his profession, Rasputin.

    Tags: Alan Colmes, Barack Obama, David Axelrod, Dick Cheney, ExxonMobil, Fox, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, Joe the Plumber, Karl Rove
  • Safely Elected, Barack Obama Can Start Skipping Church Again

    Presidential elections in our country tend to put greater emphasis on church attendance than, say, international nuclear proliferation. And this year was no exception, with pastors like Jeremiah Wright and John Hagee getting far more press exposure than actual presidential candidates like Tom Vilsack and Jim Gilmore.

    No one knew this better than Barack Obama, whose campaign nearly collapsed under the weight of Wright's controversial sermons and God-awful JFK impersonation. The Illinois Senator felt forced to drop out of Wright's church and bounce between a number of other ones between late April and Election Day.

    But now that he won, he can finally drop that whole act

    President-elect Barack Obama has yet to attend church services since winning the White House earlier this month, a departure from the example of his two immediate predecessors.

    On the three Sundays since his election, Obama has instead used his free time to get in workouts at a Chicago gym.

    Indeed, there are few place you're more likely to find Obama than not in church. Recall, if you will, the controversy surrounding Wright's "God damn America" sermon. Obama claims to have never heard Wright utter those words. Why?

    Because he didn't attend church that day.

    And where was Obama when Hagee declared that Hitler was sent by God to herd the Jews to Israel? Hypocritically playing basketball perhaps.

    Come to think of it, Obama has also been neglecting his obligations to secretly attend a mosque and secretly pray toward Mecca five times per day ever since the day he was born!

    What a disappointment.  Doesn't Obama realize that religious zealots make by far the most entertaining presidents?  The man hasn't even taken office, and already he's making Dick Cheney look like Jimmy Swaggart at a pentacostal tent revival.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Christianity, Dick Cheney, Jeremiah Wright, Jim Gilmore, John Hagee, Tom Vilsack
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger Hopes to Add Some Lead Weight to Obama's Cabinet

    Barack Obama is off to a pretty sissy start in his cabinet selections. If he isn't appointing girlie men to important positions, he's appointing actual girls. You think a ripped foreign strongman like Vladimir Putin is going to respect that?

    If only there were a way to add a little heft to this cabinet. Nothing too drastic, just some awesome pecs, rock-solid abs and maybe a co-starring role with Sinbad, if that isn't too much to ask.

    Could anyone possibly fit that description?

    Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke to President-elect Barack Obama this week and would be willing to work for the Democratic administration once his term expires if asked, the Republican governor said in an interview broadcast this morning…

    The governor has deflected rumors that he would leave his job before his term ends in two years to work for Obama, although he has left a bit of wiggle room in recent interviews. He told Fox, "I want to finish my term as governor because there's a lot of different challenges ahead." But he did not flatly reject an early departure.

    It isn't immediately clear what position might suit Schwarzenegger, but the possibilities are vast, including…

    * EPA Administrator (Hummer Division).

    * Ambassador to the Kennedys.

    * Conan the Secretary of Agriculture.

    * Kindergarten Attorney General.

    Of course, if the Governator were to really join the cabinet, he'd have to submit to Obama's now infamous vetting process.

    So hopefully, out of the reported 63 questions, none of them reads: "Have you ever abused steroids, denied that marijuana is a drug, participated in orgies, or groped your female aides, forcing you to apologize via mass media?"

    Because if that's on there, he might not get the gig.

    Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, California, Vladimir Putin
  • Everybody Hates Sen. Jim DeMint

    The Republican Party is reeling, but they've regrouped somewhat since the election, buoyed by the powerful strategy of projecting everything that went wrong onto Sarah Palin. Because clearly this election was lost by expensive clothing, a pregnant teenager, and a lousy interview with Katie Couric, right?

    Wrong! It was also lost by total dickery, as evidenced by right-wing demagogue Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC).

    DeMint — who never met a Senate rule he didn't exploit, or a single mother he didn't try to ban from the teaching profession — has gotten so tiresome that even his fellow Republicans want nothing to do with him

    In the wake of this month’s electoral defeats, Sen. Jim DeMint (S.C.)… immediately sought a series of changes to how Senate Republicans operate, called for a return to strict conservative values and began issuing not-so-veiled threats to fellow Senators who didn’t join his crusade.

    But instead of igniting a conservative revolution, DeMint has suddenly found himself on the outside looking in — following what GOP sources said was an angry rebuke of his reform demands from party elders during Tuesday’s closed-door Conference meeting.

    DeMint has tried the patience of colleagues with his moral grandstanding and manipulation of Senate rules to hold up legislation. He also has brushed shoulders with party stalwarts like Thad Cochran (R-MS) and the erstwhile Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK), who see the Senate primarily as a vehicle for pork projects, while DeMint feels it would be better used as a pulpit to bash gays.

    So let it be known from here on forward that Sarah Palin may be a drag on the GOP, but no more so than Jim DeMint.

    I mean did you really think DeMint would let Palin get all the glory after her Couric interview directly plagiarized from his own Miss South Carolina?

    Tags: Jim DeMint, Katie Couric, LGBT, Sarah Palin, South Carolina, Ted Stevens, Thad Cochran
  • Jesse Jackson, Jr. Will Be Waiting in the Senate, In Case Anyone's Looking to Appoint Him to Anything

    Hey, Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-IL)? Sorry to bother you, sir, but I just ran into Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr. and he just wants you to know… just in case… that if you need him for anything, ya know, like, to appoint him as Barack Obama's replacement or whatever… well, he's just going to be waiting over there, sir. Okay?

    Yeah, I mean right over there. In the Senate

    Minutes after the Senate opened at noon Monday for its lame-duck session, the only lawmaker milling around the second-floor elevator banks was… Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.).

    Though Jackson is a leading candidate to replace President-elect Barack Obama in the Senate, Illinois Democratic Gov. Rod Blagojevich has yet to make his appointment.

    So what was Jackson doing on the wrong side of the Capitol?

    "MSNBC," he said, explaining he had a TV appearance on the Senate side.

    Nevertheless, it did seem Jackson was walking more slowly, checking out the Senate hallways, imagining what it might be like for him should he be tapped to fill the seat.

    In other news, Sen. Hillary Clinton is going to take lunch over at the State Department today, in case Barack Obama is looking for her or anything.

    And Larry Craig is going to go use the bathroom right now. Just in case… ya know… you might have to as well?

    Tags: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, House of Representatives, Illinois, Jesse Jackson Jr., Larry Craig, Rod Blagojevich, Senate