It's been a long, very predictable night. Some people lost, some people won. In the end, I think we all know that there are new people to make fun of and old people to also make fun of. Some folks might think that my blogging was liberal, but if there was a candidate who was a Democrat who got nominated by a Coffee themed party, maybe a Juan Valdez inspired green movement, I would have gladly teased them. Here is hoping that next election there are people so left of center claiming they aren't Mages that I can stick it to them and appease the center-right (hard core neo-cons LOVE Mages – it's their big weakness). Also, I guess I was wrong about Nevada. I guess that's the price I pay for guessing with nothing but polls to guide me. Also, without being mean, Sharron Angle was a pretty extreme candidate, according to rape victims and people who appreciate America's separation of church and laundry. I mean state. I always forget what America separates and it's church and state. I still can't believe that a state that condones prostitution and gambling wouldn't elect the most conservative lady running for office in America. Weird. Maybe next time?
I have always wondered how libertarians compromise and I will soon find out. Maybe they will get to rename roads "Taxways?" Also, I hope they get rid of the EPA and change it to the "Department of Uh-oh, oops spill."
The good news from this election is that C-SPAN will probably be fun to watch. It will be like a straight-to-cable Steven Seagal movie. Except instead of some weird form of karate, we will get to see people using the some weird form of the Constitution to kick ass.
It's too bad that this election is ending without anyone claiming Carl Paladino was a tranny. I guess this is what it feels like to put all your energy into something and see it disappear.
Taking this election as a mandate is a lot like a drunk guy taking making out with a drunk lady at a bar at closing time as a mandate. It is, but just for an hour or so.
Hopefully after the election, neither party will pass laws and will instead pass pledges. Whoever passes the best pledge will get to pledge again in 2012!
I will now call the most watched election of this year: Nevada. Obviously it is insane to compare any modern US politician to Hitler, especially if they’ve been falsely accused of being a Scientologist and show no obvious signs of wanting to eradicate Jews or take over Europe. However, it is worth pointing out that when Hitler came to power, Germany had a 30% unemployment rate. Since Nevada has a 15% unemployment rate, it is then fair to say that Sharron Angle is not Hitler, she is simply 50% Hitler. Enjoy your new Senator, Nevada.
Democrats still have a chance if they can go back in time and make the same mistakes again.
I hope at least one candidate who wins, be it Democrat or Republican, for their speech has the courage to admit, "Haha! I tricked you! Go fuck yourselves!"
Congratulations to Marco Rubio on being America's sexiest new senator (I am assuming John Edwards is not allowed to just come back and start passing laws).
Every midterm election the party in control looses seats and every time people on television go apeshit. That is the true sign of a healthy democracy! Also, the limited number of stabbings at polling stations. Those two things are the signs of a healthy democracy.
Republicans take control of the House! Sadly for them, their first act will be to disband the House, leaving control of legislature in the hands of VH1 executives. Get ready for a new and naughty government!
Tags: Cramming for Midterms, Eugene Mirman, Liveblog
I bet most people today don’t remember when Dan Rather had to hand paint a map of the US to show us which way a district voted.
I hope Michael Steele’s mustache runs for president in 2012.
I promise not to “slut-shame” anyone, except possibly Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino — whose dick is so “flippity-floppity” (who am I quoting?), that some orthodox rabbis aren’t sure where Carl would stand on this Provincetown Halloween party:
Also, I will now call the New York Governortorialajdfdisojfoas election. The winner is Andrew Cuomooo (that would have been a fun costume idea — a cow version of our future governor?)
The irony of the Delaware senate race is that Chris Coons is a warlock. That’s the secret of politics: do it, but never deny it.
Breaking news! John King is probably a different person from Anderson Cooper. Look!
If you turn on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit right now, not-surprisingly, tonight’s victim is the Democrats.
I would like to make one thing clear — I am not claiming these are my projected winners — I am claiming they have won. How? Well, mostly, I don’t mind being wrong. But I am not using the same complicated analysis that Wolf Blitzer and his clean-shaven friend are. I am using old-fashioned America “Super Guessing.” And “Super Guessing” is never wrong. Here are a few more predictions:
New Mexico — Ben Ray Lujan! Congrats! I’ve always said it takes three names to win, and Ben Ray Lujan proves it. Sorry, Tom Mullins. You ran a good campaign (probably).
Wisconsin — A surprise write-in winner! It’s Adrian Brody! (That’s not true, the winner is Ron Johnson).
Washington — Patty Murray! Ha ha! More of the same, suckers!
Hello fellow Americans (and sneaky, bored Canadians)!
It’s time to analyze the midterm election! As the night continues, you’ll quickly realize I don’t have a degree in political science, nor can I read, and my writing is often limited to 23 of the 26 letters of our wonderful alphabet.
Even though I do not have endless television monitors, researchers, mustacheod middle-aged colleagues, and green screened backdrop of the capitol — I do have one thing that Fox, MSNBC, CNN and the major networks don’t have — a gun bottle full of tequila.
So, with that bottle and the confidence to guesstimate, before polls have closed, I will call the following elections before any of my colleagues do:
Kentucky — Rand Paul wins!!!! Do more Department of Education! Yey! No school tomorrow!
California — Barbra Boxer!
Florida — Marco Rubio!
New York City Comptroller is… Harry Wilson!
Okay. I will be calling elections tonight either way before they happen, or so far after the fact that it will seem like I do not understand how time works.
Tags: Cramming for Midterms, Eugene Mirman, Liveblog
Dragons, wolves, horses and libertarians. You know just regular political analysis stuff…
Tags: Arizona, Bloggers on Camera, Cramming for Midterms, Eugene Mirman, Harry Reid, Islam, Midterms, Nevada, Sarah Palin, Sharron Angle, Taxes, Tea Party, Thomas Jefferson, Unemployment, Video
Eugene Mirman – Indecision GuestBlogger and Distinguished Gentleman – Is an Objective Outsider Centrist
People (and ghosts!) are always asking me where I fall on the political spectrum. I am in the middle. That’s what happens when you are very pro-gay marriage and in favor of health care for everyone (even very ugly people), but also LOVE the war in Afghanistan and hope it never ends. Plus, as a Russian immigrant, I am predisposed toward hating communism and admiring the American Dream.
How do I know that I’m a centrist and not a liberal elitist hell bent on taxing small businesses to pay for the unnecessary hat collections of illegal immigrants? Because on March 6th, 2010 my brother, Ilya, sent me an online survey that asks a series of questions and then shows you a picture of where you lie politically. And guess what? I fall in the direct middle of centrism (though weirdly my dick is actually quite statist). Here is a photo of the result, which could easily be faked, but happens to be real…
You can take the poll yourself and find out where you land. Are you a misguided 19-year-old Maoist trying to enslave America? Maybe. Or, are you some laissez-faire capitalist who misses the robber barons of the 1800s and wants to pour irradiated chemical run-off into children's faces? Find out in just a few minutes at this website.
I mostly tell you this so that on November 2nd, when I make fun of Carl Paladino in my liveblogging for Comedy Central, you'll know that I'm not doing it because I'm a close-minded Northeast socialite who is so PC he can't make a joke about how some, but not all, black men wear their pants very low. You'll know that I'm an objective, outsider centrist, like Kurt Loder or Joe Scarborough.
Months ago, even with the brewing anger of the Tea Party, I originally thought this midterm election would be boring. But for the first time in seven years, I was wrong. This election has become exciting, like happening upon an episode of Law and Order right at the 45-minute-twist mark! To many Republicans (74%) and at least one secret Muslim, this is the most important congressional election of their lives.
As I travel, anytime I turn on local news, it seems that countless Americans are so angry and terrified — because of what Glenn Beck told them through his weird chalkboard — that they are considering voting for the Incredible Hulk (if the Incredible Hulk mostly quoted Thomas Jefferson and constantly made confusing analogies between tea and civil liberties). And yes, Hulk will smash government spending, but also, he might accidentally step on abortion rights, environmental regulations and the Department of Education. Don't get me wrong, like many Americans, I believe in an individual's unalienable right to pursue happiness and become so rich you can transfer your soul into a sexy robot version of you (instead of going to heaven, which stands at least a 35% chance of not being a real place). But, the Tea-Party doesn’t just love freedom and tea (like you and me) — they have taken the things I hold sacred, muddled them and then yell them in groups on the news while holding ill-thought-out and poorly-constructed protest signs — as if they are mocking American ingenuity and workmanship — and that’s something I can’t support. Just like Jesus would probably be appalled at the atrocities committed throughout history in His name, I can't help but imagine Thomas Jefferson fucking one of his many slaves while shaking his head at the Tea Party.
Still, I do kind of hope one Tea-Party-Incredible-Hulk-Candidate gets elected, because it will be a lot of fun and probably The Tea Party’s destruction. What could be more beautiful to see than John McCain and one of his Jewish friends proposing some sort of bipartisan campaign reform, only to have Christine O'Donnell yell her misunderstanding of evolution at him on C-Span? I’d like to see that. So this election, Delaware, vote for the only candidate that is running ads on television explaining she isn’t a witch. Thanks!
See you guys back here with a video in a few weeks! Then see you on election night, when I will be liveblogging all night long.
Photo by Seth Olenick.
Tags: Carl Paladino, Christine O’Donnell, Cramming for Midterms, Eugene Mirman, Glenn Beck, House of Representatives, Joe Scarborough, John McCain, Liveblog, Midterms, Senate, Tea Party, Thomas Jefferson