Latest Posts

Ilya Gerner
  • Dammit, Dennis Rodman, We Trusted You

    We gave you one job, Dennis Rodman, ONE job. And by "we," I mean you gave yourself the task of traipsing off to North Korea to party with Kim Jong-un. And this is the best you could do?

    North Korea threatened on Tuesday to scrap an armistice that ended the 1950-53 civil war and sever a military "hotline" with the United States if South Korea and Washington pressed on with two-month-long war games.

    This is going to put a crimp in our plans to send Ron Artest to Iran and make Jose Canseco our diplomatic envoy to Venezuela. Nevertheless, there's at least one American who sees the next Richard Holbrooke in The Worm…

    "It's probably better than what we have," [Donald] Trump told Fox News. "If you look at the world, the world is blowing up around us. Maybe Dennis is better than what we have."

    This has got to chill Rodman to the core. He can go to North Korea, break bread — possibly the country's only bread! — with one of the world's worst dictators, and he's still not America's biggest attention whore.

    Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

    Tags: Dennis Rodman, Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un, North Korea
  • Jeb Bush Is Pissed That You Can't Decide What He Should Believe

    Turns out the only thing harder than immigrants finding a pathway to citizenship is a guy named Bush finding a pathway to the presidency.

    And you people are not making it any easier.

    Take a look at Jeb Bush's* new book, released just last night, which argues that "those [immigrants] who violated the laws can remain but cannot obtain the cherished fruits of citizenship." Harsh!

    (Also, "cherished fruits"? Sounds like Michelle Obama just got an ally for her healthy eating campaign. Yay bipartisanship!)

    But just a few hours later on Morning Joe, Bush said the following sentence-like jumble of words: "If you can craft that in law where you can have a path to citizenship where there isn't an incentive for people to come illegally."

    His reason for waffling? "We wrote this book last year, not this year." Duh. If only Americans would stop flip-flopping on what they want Jeb Bush to believe, he wouldn't have to change his mind so quickly.

    *Fun fact: his real name is John Ellis Bush. If he's going to avoid one of his names, though, shouldn't it be the last one?

    Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

    Tags: 2016, Immigration, Jeb Bush, Republicans
  • President Obama Gets Budget Chief From Walmart

    Groceries. Radial tires. Cabinet-level political appointees.

    There's nothing you can't get from Walmart, as proven by President Obama this morning, when he nominated Walmart Foundation head Sylvia Mathews Burwell to bring the "Save Money, Live Better" spirit to the Office of Management and Budget. (If this ends with Joe Biden handing out smiley face stickers at the West Wing entrance, we'll know she's gone too damn far.)

    Burwell's resume includes a position in the Treasury Department during the Clinton years, a previous stint at OMB and being the only thing President Obama could have gotten from Walmart that wasn't made in China.

    Nor will Burwell be the only veteran of corporate America to join the great socialist conspiracy in Obama's cabinet. Interior Secretary nominee Sally Jewell was CEO of sporting-goods store REI before backpacking her way to Washington, DC.

    At this point, Ben and Jerry are going to feel very left out if one of them doesn't get to run something in Washington. Is there a Department of Watching Movies at Home Alone While Crying?

    Photo by Daniel Aguilar/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Budget, Corporations
  • Ann Romney Blames the Media

    Good news for "you people." Ann Romney doesn't blame you for not electing her husband, even though he spends his days buying Honey Nut Cheerios from a CVS like some kind of hobo, instead of reigning over us from the White House.

    Unless you people work for the media. Then Ann totally hates you.

    Read More »

    Tags: Ann Romney, Chris Wallace, Fox News, Media, Mitt Romney
  • Lawmaker Wants to Tax Bicycle Pollution

    Imagine you're a Seattle cyclist merrily commuting to work on your bike, a thermos of fair trade coffee in hand and a hemp messenger bag slung over your shoulder. You'd think you were Gaea's gift to environmentalism, right?

    WRONG! You are a goddamned monstrous eco-villain! So says Rep. Ed Orcutt (R-Kalama), the ranking Republican on Washington State's House Transportation Committee, in a letter to a bicycle store owner:

    "If I am not mistaken, a cyclist has an increased heart rate and respiration. That means that the act of riding a bike results in greater emissions of carbon dioxide from the rider. Since CO2 is deemed to be a greenhouse gas and a pollutant, bicyclists are actually polluting when they ride."

    This was Rep. Orcutt's explanation for why he'd be supporting a sales tax proposal that would require everyone who buys a bike for more than $500 to pay a $25 fee.

    As long as we assume that every cyclist is eating a diet of pure petroleum (and motorists don't eat anything and never burn calories), Orcutt's argument makes sense, but doesn't go nearly far enough. Wait till he learns about running.

    Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Energy & Oil, Environment, State Legislature, Washington