Latest Posts

Ilya Gerner
  • Pat Robertson Solves the Sequester

    Pat Robertson Forget using "Jedi mind-melds" to resolve the sequester. Pat Robertson has a better idea:

    God is going to supply a million dollars, somebody is praying right now, right this second, you’re praying for a million dollars and God said, 'I have heard your prayer, I know your need, and I'm going to supply the need that you requested,' it's done, in Jesus' name.

    Sure, Robertson was talking about his viewers, who may have already won one million dollars in the Pearly Gates Publishers Sweepstakes, but there's no reason we can't adopt this strategy to fix our deficits.

    We just need the Treasury Department to hire some hedge fund managers. God sure seems to love answering their prayers.

    Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Economy, Money, Pat Robertson, Religion, Sequester
  • 7 Delicious Surprises Found in Food This Week

    From a knife in a birthday cake to metal fragments in breakfast biscuits, this week people have found a lot of weird surprises lurking in their chow.

    This might be the first time in history when Americans have been angry about getting free stuff.

    Read More »

    Tags: FDA, Food, Health
  • Mitt Romney Gets Off the Roller Coaster

    Mitt Romney* returned from his post-election hibernation/power-saving sleep mode to make a very brave appearance on Fox News! I think this is one of those deals where if he sees his shadow, we'll get six more weeks of harping about the poors.

    So what was the campaign like?

    "We were on a roller coaster, exciting and thrilling, ups and downs. But the ride ends," Romney said. "And then you get off. And it's not like, oh, can't we be on a roller coaster the rest of our life? It's like, no, the ride's over."

    Just as well. We were all getting nauseated towards the end.

    * Willard Mitt Romney was once an important political figure who secured the Republican Party's presidential nomination in the 2012 election.

    Tags: Fox News, Mitt Romney, Republicans
  • Shotgun Joe Biden Got Some Advice for You

    Dear America, whether it's a question about sex, guns or the real-estate market, Joe Biden has the answer you need.

    Dear Mr. Vice President, 
    I feel like my teenage sister is making a big mistake. For the past six months she's been dating a guy I like to call Douchey McGee. He doesn't return her calls, then comes over uninvited. I've told her to break it off, but she won't listen. Is it my place to do anything? – Dan in California

    Dear Dan,
    You have one job: Keep boys away from your sister. – Joe Biden PS. If you need any help on your pecs, man, give me a call.

    Dear Joe,
    Thanks for the advice! But working out is boring, so I bought an AR-15. Not only will this keep creeps away from my sister, my dad says it's a good thing to have handy for when you and the president start forcing us to buy health insurance. – Dan in California

    Woah there Dan,
    You know, my shotgun will do better for you than your AR-15, because you want to keep someone away from your house, just fire the shotgun through the door. – Joe Biden

    Dear Mr. Vice President,
    I'm a 24-year-old woman dating an older man. He's kind and loving, but recently we've been having trouble in the bedroom. How can I approach him about his impotency issues without ruining our relationship? - Between a Rock and an Unhard Place

    Dear BARAAUP,
    No dates until you're 30. – Joe Biden

    Dear Vice President Biden,
    My husband and I are thinking of buying a home, but everything in our price range looks like it was built for dwarves or Europeans. Is it possible to raise a happy family in cramped quarters? - Sulking in Seattle

    Dear SIS,
    Growing up in a small house was wonderful for children. By the way — having your grandpop living with you, having your great aunt, your uncle, for real. Those walls were awful thin. I wonder how the hell my parents did it. But that's a different story. I know you don't know anything about that. – Joe Biden

    Tags: Guns, Joe Biden, Sex
  • Why Gene Sperling Is Bob Woodward's Worst Nightmare

    After Bob Woodward revealed that a White House official told him he would "regret" saying Barack Obama is negotiating the sequester in bad faith, the internet rage-o-sphere demanded to know the identity of this goon and the nature of his threat.

    Now we know: the thug in question is Director of the National Economic Council Gene Sperling, and his vicious email to Woodward begins: "I apologize for raising my voice in our conversation today."

    If that doesn't make your blood run cold, this will: "I know you may not believe this, but as a friend, I think you will regret staking out that claim." Ooooh. That sounds like… a warning that a journalist may be getting the story wrong, not a threat. Then again, this Gene Sperling is a very intimidating character:

    Read More »

    Tags: Barack Obama, Bob Woodward, Gene Sperling, Media, Sequester