Things Mitt Romney Would Do for Meat Loaf's Love (But He Won't Do That)

By now you may have already seen Meat Loaf's infamous endorsement of Mitt Romney featuring a rendition of "America the Beautiful" that sounds like it was literally sung by a bat out of hell. If not, you can watch it starting at 45 seconds into this video…

For the record, that isn't even the first time Mitt Romney has mercilessly butchered that song. Why won't the Romney campaign just leave "America the Beautiful" alone?!

The whole thing begs the question — no, not "Why, God? Why?" — of how Mitt Romney do it? How does he secure the endorsement of major rock stars, such as Ted Nugent, Kid Rock and now Meat Loaf? I don't know about the other two, but I have a few ideas for possibilites on how Mitt Romney wooed Mr. Loaf…

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Just What Mitt Romney Needs, More Help from Clint Eastwood

I know Super PACs aren't supposed to coordinate with campaigns, but I really think American Crossroads should have checked with the Romney campaign to make sure they wanted to remind people that Clint Eastwood existed…

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David Lynch Endorses Obama with Non-Linear Dream Logic

With the exception of 1999's The Straight Story, David Lynch doesn't do anything straight. So it's no surprise that his endorsement of President Obama is as loopy as they come…

"I am going to vote for re-electing President Obama. I have noticed something in Mitt Romney’s name, which I think speaks to what he is about. If you just rearrange a few letters, Romney becomes R MONEY.

"I believe Mitt Romney wants to get his Mitts on R Money. He would like to get it and divide it up with his friends, the Big Money Bunch. I believe he would like to get his Mitts on R Money, R Resources, R Freedoms, and R American Dream."

David Lynch is the only person who's words make more sense when uttered by a backward's speaking dwarf.

I guess Mitt Romney will just have to continue spending the rest of his life never having seen a David Lynch movie. And Paul Ryan will have to spend the rest of his life being a real-life Kyle MacLachlan.

Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Glenn Beck Brand Jeans Is a Real Thing

We're getting into the third act of the Glenn Beck biopic. This is where the main character's carefully foreshadowed selling-out phase reaches a ridiculous height. Any second now, an old zoo crew buddy will show up to say, "You've changed man. You used to be about the crazy, reckless, borderline-racist rants. Now, you're all about the money!"

Glenn Beck does his best Sam Elliot impression while selling his brand of patriotic jeans…

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Former President Morgan Freeman Endorses Barack Obama

It was only a matter of time before the nation's first black president went to bat for the nation's second black president…

I know this isn't what he says in the ad, but all I heard was, "Four years later, our enemies have been brought to justice, our heroes are coming home, our penguins are marching forward and our shawshanks have been redeemed. I'm Morgan Freeman, and I should narrate everything."