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Jared Logan
  • Indecision Delegates: Advice from a Former Presidential Dude

    Hey Fellow Citizens! Jared Logan here. It's my job as delegate to dig up fascinating tidbits about the upcoming election. I was really excited to discover what some believe to be an authentic recently-leaked letter to Mitt Romney from George W. Bush. Check it out!

    Mitt,

    Hey man, what's up? Looks like your having some problems closing the deal with conservatives so my dad told me to write you and give you some advice.

    First, man, I think your cool. You are friends with dudes that own sports teams. I owned a sports team. We are like two pigs in a pod. Gangsters 4 life. You like hip-hop?

    Your problem is people don't like you. Maybe it is because you're a Mormon and you believe in having ten wives and worshipping weird cat gods in pyramids and stuff. First advisement: Worship the real Jesus which is specificly the Jesus of the United Methodist Church. Mention J.C. a lot because there are tons of people who just hear "Jesus" and then stop listening and vote for you. It's like a hypnotism suggestion or some shit.

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    Tags: George W. Bush, Indecision Delegates, Jared Logan, Mitt Romney