America's Post-Election Freakout

I've seen a number of presidential elections in my lifetime. My mother, a liberal, did her fair share share of hand-wringing and yelling at the TV in the '80s. But these are different times. Times, it would seem, of epic histrionics. Karl Rove's election night conniption was just a preview of the insanity we would see after all the votes were counted.

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Are You an Undecided Voter?

People who "can't choose between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney" don't really exist. They've been invented by the media. You know who's real? People who can't decide whether to vote or sit on the couch and jerk it… again. That's undecided.

Look. After an entire year of campaigning, debating, baby-kissing, ass-kissing, baby ass-kissing (do they do that? I don’t know) and outright bullshitting, the only way you're an undecided voter is if you meet the following criteria:

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Romney's Debate Strategy, Plus! Big Predictions

Mitt Romney is looking to jumpstart his campaign… again (don't flood the engine, Mitt!) with Wednesday's debate in Colorado. This is his last best chance to turn things around, and here's how Team Romney will do it.

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Indecision Delegates: 36 Hours in Tampa

Despite what they may think, The New York Times does not have a monopoly on spending 36 hours in various cities. As a matter of fact, I'll be spending more than 36 hours in Tampa during my upcoming trip to the 2012 Republican National Convention. I've never been to there and plan to squeeze as much fun-juice from the Florida orange while in town. Here's my tentative agenda…

1. P90X it with Paul Ryan. It would be so great to say I got my heart rate up with the very man who could be a heartbeat from the presidency. Plus, the workout is insane! Me and Paul wailing on our bi's and tri's — chopping it up. (How's that for a health plan, President Obama?!)

2. Gulf shrimp buckets! You can barely taste the toxins anymore, you guys! (Wink-wink, B.P.)

3. Cuban sandwiches? I'll pass. A patriot, I honor the embargo.

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Tags: Florida, Indecision Delegates, Jordan Carlos, Republican National Convention, Tampa

In Defense of Dressage

During his recent sandpaper-smooth London tour, reporters asked Mitt Romney if he'd be watching his wife's horse Rafalca in the Olympic dressage competition. His response? "I have to tell you. This is Ann's sport. I'm not even sure which day the sport goes on. She will get the chance to see it, I will not be watching the event. I hope her horse does well."

Okay. Did Mitt Romney blow off his wife? Because it feels like he blew off his wife… and her horse, Rafalca, too. Mitt, where's the love? Not sure which day this goes on? A quick glance at the online Olympics calendar shows that the event will be held on August 2nd, 3rd and 7th. I'm sure Ann Romney would appreciate her Mr. Fantastic-looking husband in the stands whooping it up (or golf-clapping, or whatever you do at those things).

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