The 2012 Democratic National Convention — the most important post-primary, pre-Election Day event (for Democrats) of the election season — will be held on September 3 in Charlotte, North Carolina, and we, your Indecision delegates, will be there to cover it.
But why even go to the trouble? Everybody already knows that Obama is going to be the nominee, so why bother announcing it? Shouldn't Obama be working on other shit right now instead of having a big party in Charlotte?
Actually, there are so many other reasons to hold a Democratic National Convention besides announcing the nominee. Here are twelve…
1. Three words: Baldwin Brothers Reunion!
2. Noticing how gay rights activists and Obama passive-aggressively avoid making eye contact
3. Watching cops arrest protesters in suits and ties, instead of a bunch of nice hipster kids (for a change!)
Tags: Democratic National Convention, Democrats, Indecision Delegates, Jared Logan, Jordan Carlos, North Carolina
Republicans disagree with each other on a lot of things, but there's one thing they pretty much all agree on. They all admire a certain mythical, legendary hero of yore: Ronald Reagan.
So, they genuinely take to heart what has come to be known as Ronald Reagan's Eleventh Commandment, namely "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican." But are you aware that Reagan had ten other commandments that they take equally to heart? Behold!
Thou shalt anoint a very small group of people as "true Americans." Anybody who does not agree with that group is a "fake American," and as such has to go sit at the nerd table with the guy who has acne and the fat girl that never talks.
Should a foreign nation behave in a way deemed uncooperative, do not just attack them. Thou shalt sell a shitload of weapons to their angry neighbor nation. This will never come back to haunt you.
Yield not at 'conservative'! Be regressive! Champion the gold standard, challenge heliocentrism and bid the young ones toil away in the salt mines!
Tags: Conservatives, Indecision Delegates, Jared Logan, Jordan Carlos, Republicans, Ronald Reagan
Jordan: Hello Fellow Citizens! As Jared and I cover the comings and goings of this election season, we've noticed an expression that seems to get thrown around a lot: "looking presidential." What does it mean to look presidential? And just how important is it?
Jordan: In the past you didn't need good looks to be president. George Washington had wooden teeth! Abraham Lincoln? Sallow cheeked, pale, sickly and often times depressed. Actually, these days a guy like that might clean up in some hipster-heavy town like Austin or Portland.
Jared: William Howard Taft was so fat he could have made a living as a sideshow attraction. People would come from three towns over just to see him.
Jordan: None of these guys could get the nomination today. Television cameras and the internet have changed everything.
Jared: Lets take a look at today's candidates and decide which one is most likely to blow the ladies’ hair back at those senior center coffee clutches…
Jared: I gotta say, I don't think Newt looks presidential at all. He's too bloated and corpulent. He literally looks like a fat cat, as in: tabby. It seems that one of the hard and fast rules for looking presidential over the last 100 years has been "No Fatties." The office is supposed to be oval, not the president.
Jordan: I agree that Newt is not much on looks, but from the mudslinging he does at debates, ladies, you know this guy is a dirty talker.
Final Verdict: Not Presidential
He's sexy, but not in a presidential way. More in a piggy dungeon slave kind of way.
Tags: Indecision Delegates, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul
Jordan: After besting all comers, Jared Logan and I, Jordan Carlos, were granted the mantle of Comedy Central's Indecision Delegates. Why? Because we are better than any J-school geek off the streets. And because we don't just ask the five Ws. We ask the sixth, which is "which?"
Bottom line, Jared and Jordan – Jored? Jardan? — will envelop this year in politics like it was one of those skinny-ass Kenyan runner guys in the Boston Marathon and we are the space blanket. We are the space blanket, America!
Jared: We thought it would be cool to start our soon-to-be-award-winning precedent-setting recorded-for-posterity blog empire by picking this year's GOP nominee.
Tags: Hillary Clinton, Indecision Delegates, Jon Huntsman, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Republicans