Dick Cheney is Now Literally Hell on Wheels

We've all been there. A long-term relationship has come to an end and you have to move your stuff into a new place.

It's stressful on a good day, and everyone knows that lifting heavy boxes while your body is already stressed is a recipe for injury.

Imagine how much harder it must be if your heart is made of pistons and Satan's diesel-grade saliva.

So look for former Vice President Dick Cheney (is it too early to say that? It is? Meh, fuck it) to be in a wheelchair at the inauguration today.

But I think he'll probably walk again, just like the man in the picture above — IF the right kind of leader inspires him.

Tom Coburning Out His Fuse Up Here, Alone

Yesterday, Eric revealed that Republican Sen. Tom Coburn would be serenading Democratic Sen. Bill Nelson of Florida with Elton John's 1972 classic "Rocket Man."

Well, now that there's video…

…it's clear to the sharp-eared among us that Coburn wasn't singing Elton John's 1972 classic "Rocket Man."

He was singing William Shatner's 1978 classic "Rocket Man" (and he's not the first to be inspired by it):

Man, it's a good thing I'm high as a kite right now…

Obama Cabinet Picks Allow Me to Taint Two Internet Memes

By now you know that Barack Obama has chosen Rahn Emanuel as his chief of staff. You can learn about his similarities to Chuck Norris here.

Obama has also picked Jim Messina as one of his deputy chiefs of staff. For those unfamiliar with Messina, here's some of his early work.

(That will now be known as a Messina-Roll.)

Mike Huckabee Brings Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder Together and Makes _____ the _____ History!

Not since Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro starred together in Heat have two titans shared the same space with the same level of breathless anticipation.

I'm talking, of course, about Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder sharing the stage on the new Fox News talk show, Huckabee.

(Oh, Mike Huckabee has a talk show on Fox News. You knew that, right?)

As you I-hope-to-God-don't remember, Tito "the Builder" Munoz came to fame because he didn't like the way Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher was being treated. As Tito explained to Huckabee, he had to speak out because he thought it was wrong — practically a violation of the First Amendment, even — that Joe wasn't able to ask a question.

Okay, just bear with me for a second, we're all a little fried after a big week — how is it that we even know who Joe the Plumber is in the first place? What was responsible for his rise to fame, his TV appearances, his household name status, rumors about a record deal, a book deal, a congressional run, etc.?

Oh yeah. He asked Barack Obama a question.

Barney Bush: "I'll Take Off His Ear Next"

Barney, the soon-to-be-ex First Dog, bit a Reuters reporter yesterday. The reporter had to be treated by the White House physician.

"Yeah, that's right, I drew blood," said Barney, interviewed after the "accident." "Look, I'm eight years old. You do the math. You know what I'm saying? I'm on the Zoloft to keep from killing y'all!"

Click here to see slo-mo footage of the bite, in what I like to refer to as "The Pupruder Film."