Be My Bi-Partisan Cover Vote? Obama Makes it Up to His Congressional Republican Valentines

Did you ever have to draft a piece of economic recovery legislation, work really hard to load it down with all sorts of decadent goodies like food stamps and energy assistance for poor people, until it's the day of and you realize, "Hey, I need some Republicans to vote for this too?" So you race to redo the whole thing, pick up some business tax cuts at the drug store, drop billions of dollars in education funding and race to the Senate floor only to discover that not only do they still hate it, but you also forgot that February 14 is also their mother's birthday and they are most certainly not going to vote for it.

Folks, this is exactly what our president is going through right now, which is why we suggest he send these Valentines to make it up to the poor, jilted Republicans in Congress:

(Thanks to Angela Inferrera on the design and Photoshoppin'. More Valentines after the jump).

Tags: Barack Obama, Economy, Valentine's Day

Other Obama Beanie Babies Axed by Michelle Obama

Ever since Michelle Obama had the Malia and Sasha dolls pulled, the Ty Corporation is scrapping plans for future lines of Obama Administration Beanie Babies. Among the saddest we will be to see go:

Robert Gibbs Overweight Seahorse

Ambiguously Still Bitter About Not Being President Hillary Clinton Red-Nosed Thing

Second Tier Republican Cabinet Secretaries

Eric Holder and Stephen Chu Gay Bears

Huge Monkey Asshole Larry Summers

Tags: Barack Obama, Eric Holder, Hillary Clinton, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Robert Gibbs, Sasha Obama, Steven Chu

How to Feel on Inauguration Day: A Handy Flow Chart

If you're like 99.993% of the people in the U.S., then you have no idea how you should feel as Barack Obama is sworn into office on Tuesday. Should you be happy? Should you be sad? Should you be hungry? (Hint: You shouldn't be hungry.)

So many many choices! What to do?

Well, don't you worry yourself no more, because we've got a simple, easy-to-follow flow chart right here to answer all your question. Minimal thinking required…

Do you want to read the whole thing?

Yes!
No. (Just fucking read it.)

Tags: Barack Obama, Inauguration, Joe the Plumber, John McCain, Sarah Palin

…You (Still?) Might Be a Muslim

You're driving through West Plains, Missouri, like you always do, and you come across this billboard, which was clearly designed by the same artist who wanted to brighten up your breakfast with this. And naturally, you're still having trouble deciding whether Barack Obama is an "Arab" or not. So, we thought it was time to remind you of this handy guide we found in the bathroom at Swifty's Swiftboatery Inn and Swiftboatorium:

* If you greet your wife fist-to-fist instead of open palm-to-open palm, you might be a Muslim.

* If you want to turn the USA into a terrorist paradise with universal terrorist healthcare and college tuition credits for every terrorist, you might be a Muslim.

* If you have ever not punched a gay person you totally could have punched, you might be a Muslim.

* If you lob inspiring platitudes like hand grenades, you might be a Muslim.

* If you have talked to a Muslim, you might be a Muslim.

* If young people aren't immediately revulsed by your craggy, translucent skin and creepy old man giggle, you might be a Muslim.

* If you go to a Christian church that has a crazy pastor, you might be a Muslim.

* If you're black and running for president, you might be a Muslim.

Tags: Barack Obama, Islam

True Hollywood Story: Barack Obama

With the recent Barack Obama media blackout, it's easy to forget that it wasn't that long ago that John McCain called him "the biggest celebrity in the world", and Obama was framed angelically on the cover of Rolling Stone:

Of course, this is all Obama has ever wanted. President of the Harvard Law Review, civil rights attorney, junior senator from Illinois…this is clearly the path to the flash-popping life of a political socialite.

Yes, it looked like the media was going to come all over Obama indefinitely. And then, a few weeks ago, everything changed. A new hotness from Alaska came along with her hair and her glasses and her hair, and lured the paparazzi away, reducing the former media messiah to a mere footnote:

Soon, like all celebrity has-beens, Obama was forced to get attention any way he could:

But Obama soon figured out how to build back his cred — by getting a buzz going, and being seen with the right people:

Until finally, he hit it big once again:

Tags: Barack Obama, John McCain, Sarah Palin