Are you gearing up for a looooong Election Night? Got the toothpicks ready to hold your eyelids open and the ol' faithful meth lab cranking?
Well, you might have to face the fact that the evening might not go the way you're planning. This election might get all kinds of…called at a decent hour.
Are you prepared for that? What will you do with yourself? What do you need to start putting your life back together again after 16 months of intense obsessive obsesso-intensity?
Here, let us help you get started:
* Take a shower.
* Shave the beard you promised you'd grow until your candidate was elected. If your candidate wasn't elected, shave it anyway. You look foolish.
* Go grocery shopping. Make sure to sock up on plenty of superfoods and whole grains.
* Drink a glass of wine for heart health.
* Drink three more glasses of wine to kill the brain cells responsible for holding onto names like "Megyn Kelly" and "Tucker Bounds".
* Catch up on The Wire, Lost, 24, Battlestar Gallactica, Big Love, 30 Rock, Dexter, The Office, House, Entourage, Six Feet Under, The Venture Brothers and Weeds.
* Finish that screenplay about the enterprising young blog reader caught up in national intrigue.
* Put your losing candidate election gear in your irony box.
* Tuck your kids into bed. Call your secret wife and tell her to tuck your secret kids into bed too.
* Celebrate democracy by dipping into your illegal Fourth of July fireworks stash and blowing shit up.
* Don't get complacent. The battle for Pierce County clerk between kindergarten teacher Liddy Smeagol and entrenched incumbent Betty Hornel is still too close to call. Isn't time to restore good handwriting to Tacoma once and for all? GOTV! GOTV!
The final presidential debate is upon us, and let's face it — we're really beyond a drinking game by now, aren't we?
Everything has been building, building, building for so long that at this point, we just want the climax already. Yeah, you feel us. We're just animals, right? Aw, yeah. Political animals.
So, while drinking can (should?) certainly accompany the action, this game is about building to that climax. Although, we have a feeling you'll find this game just as frustrating as the debate itself:
If Either Candidate Says This: Do This with the Person to Your Left: "First of all, I'd like to thank Hofstra University…" Eye Contact "Maverick" Handshake "Middle class" Firm Handshake "He'll raise your taxes" Quick Peck on Cheek "It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he doesn't get it" Brush of Hand on Thigh "Miss Congeniality" Kiss (Mouth) "Health care is a right, not a privilege" Tongue "The fundamentals of our economy are strong" Over-Shirt Grope "Yes, President Bush would make an excellent Commissioner of Baseball" Under-Shirt Grope "Let me start with a shout-out to the Riz, T-Bone, the 785, Shortie K…" Hand-to-Gland Combat "Those mouth-breathing, rust-munching, coal-fondlers in Ohio can kiss my ass. Ditto those tobacco-hawking Virginia douche-nozzles…" Nether-Region Suckery "My friends, can I even tell you how hard I am right now?" "It"
Click here for a printable version!
Tags: Barack Obama, Debates, John McCain
In light of the attack-y tone the campaign is taking, tonight's presidential debate promises to be an exercise in polite repression. And isn't that the kind of thing that drives people to drink in the first place?
Wouldn't you rather express and drink at the same time? Well, that's where we come in. Because this drinking game will get your "magnetic poetry" juices flowing…
…as well as the juices you need to digest alcohol.
1. Each time a candidate starts to answer a question, you have until he finishes speaking to assemble the vile, baseless smear of his opponent he is thinking instead of the answer he is giving.
2. When time is up, compare with your friends.
3. The person with the best smear takes two drinks. The person with the worst takes one.
Get your smear on while you get your drink on!
And, if you think you can handle the Expert Version of the game, play against The InDecider here.
Tags: Barack Obama, Debates, John McCain
If you're like us, you already started drinking weeks ago in preparation for tomorrow night's debate, which will no doubt be the most watched vice presidential debate in the history of televised vice presidential debates. But if you're waiting till Gwen Ifill officially gets the party started, we've got something for ya.
The rules are simple: each of these is to be accompanied by a shot of any neutral grain spirit you can get your hands on:
* Every time Sarah Palin says "Gwen," open your copy of How to Totally Ace Your Job Interview, and then think about where you see yourself in five years.
* Every time Joe Biden says "malarkey," drink a shot of hogwash.
* Every time Palin mentions Russia, mention France, re: Senator Biden's underpants.
* Every time Biden mentions his Scranton upbringing, sing the first verse of "Allentown."
* Every time Palin mentions wildlife protection, skin the person next to you.
* Every time Biden mentions his father, sing the bridge of "Allentown."
* Every time Palin accidentally agrees with Barack Obama, spin around and around in your chair until whatever she said starts to sound like a GOP talking point.
* Every time Biden mentions taking the train to and from his Senate job, sing the train whistle part at the beginning of "Allentown."
* Every time Palin mentions small town values, inquire about banning a Harry Potter book and bill yourself for your own rape kit.
* Every time Biden drops an anachronism, airmail Alexander Hamilton a cuneiform slab with your pager number.
* Every time someone in the room says Palin seems like someone cool to have a beer with, stand up and yell "Goody Palin is a witch!"
* Every time Biden and Palin break into an argument, make out with the person next to you.
* Every time Biden and Palin make out, debate the person next to you.
* Every time Palin speaks in a run-on sentence, get yourself for into the position of being to drink a sip of beer and therefore on the chair on which you sit turn around and face your neighbor but you will not have had enough into which to vomit and that's good because you will be feeling in a way that is comparable to ways in which you have drunk before, at home, where they teach good drinking values.
Click here for your very own printable version!
Tags: Debates, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin
Assuming John McCain decides to show up for the presidential debate, it will take place tomorrow night at the University of Mississippi. (For the record, we think there are people out there who deserve to use delay tactics way more than McCain does. This guy, for example.)
But whenever the debate takes place, you're gonna need some sort of drinking game. The key to this one is to take a shot of Everclear and then do each of the following:
* Everytime a candidate mentions September 11th, prank-call Rudy Giuliani.
* Every time a candidate mentions the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, plunge a turkey baster into your ice cube tray.
* Every time a candidate promises to bring back blue collar jobs, call your customer service rep in Bangalore.
* Every time a candidate says "folks," threaten to foreclose on an Iowa farm unless the farmer's daughter "cooperates."
* Every time Barack Obama mentions his tax cuts for the middle class, gift-wrap a box of poo for your rich uncle.
* Every time McCain says "friends," call Lindsey Graham and say "I think he's talking about you!"
* Every time Obama pauses before the predicate of a sentence, go watch Star Trek: The Original Series to see how a pro does it.
* Every time Jim Lehrer says something boring, send yourself a "Celtic Thunder" tote bag.
* Every time McCain mentions "the Surge," drink a Red Bull. Every time he mentions "Red Bull," drink a Surge.
* Every time Obama strings together at least three fuzzy, liberal platitudes, cue up the episode of The West Wing where Mrs. Landingham dies.
* Every time McCain refers to his running mate, stand up, face Russia and finish whatever bottle is in front of you.
Tags: Barack Obama, Debates, John McCain, Sarah Palin