If the profound, overwhelming panic in Matt Lauer's eyes when he covers the stock market crisis is any indication, Barack Obama's plan to raise the taxes of those who make more than $250,000 a year is probably making the very very rich start to shake in their Prada loafers. And since so many people in that tax bracket are regular readers of Indecision, we offer some solace in this guide on how to survive if Obama gets elected:
* Charitable contributions are tax deductable. An Obama presidency would be a perfect opportunity to ramp up support for your favorite conservative charities, like "Billionaires Against the Poor," or "Exxon."
* Invest in blue chip commodities that maintain a steady demand over macro time intervals, such as cookies and sex.
* Move to a rural community to increase your relative wealth. The same $14 million that bought your modest TriBeCa brownstone can buy you the right to hunt, trap and murder the entire population of Pumphrey, Texas with no legal repercussions.
* Shelter your assets in fictional offshore tax havens like Treasure, Temptation and Gilligan's Islands.
* If you're a supervillain, ask yourself when the last time your goons were able to execute one simple task was. If the answer is, "Never, you fools," cut payroll by 50%.
* Try living comfortably with less by trading in your giant fucking yacht for a medium fucking yacht.
* Ask yourself: are you really so concerned that your legacy lives on into the next generation that you're willing to throw all your money away trying to make it so? If not, stop financially supporting your kids.
Tags: Barack Obama, Taxes
This summer, John McCain's campaign produced an ad calling Barack Obama the biggest celebrity in the world and equating him with Paris Hilton. This was meant to sting, since celebrities are out of touch with things like small-town values. That's why there are no celebrities in the McCain campaign. Take Sarah Palin. Why, in just the last two weeks she has…
…homespun-edly pulled down the highest ratings of anyone in convention coverage history;
…industriously turned Joe Biden into the drama-free vice presidential candidate;
…rolled up her sleeves to make millions for hard-working lens manufacturers;
…and inspired a line of super hero/school girl action figures, just like your grandma from Kenosha.
Yep, it's a good thing Sarah Palin is just a down-to-Earth hockey mom and not a celebrity, like Barack Obama.
Tags: Barack Obama, John McCain, Paris Hilton, Sarah Palin
As you know, famous people who share birthdays always celebrate those birthdays together. With that in mind, we take you now to Senator Barack Obama's birthday festivities:
[Scene: a press conference]
Helen Thomas: Senator Obama, why has your campaign accepted the Republican frame that the drilling issue is about lowering gas prices instead of facing reality and acknowledging that what we're dealing with here is yet another giant land grab by the major U.S. oil companies?
Barack Obama: Oh, come on Helen, loosen up. It's time for our birthday party!
[Cut to: the drawing room, filled with people who were born on August 4th, making small talk. The soulful yet melancholy trumpeting of Louis Armstrong is heard in the distance. Obama and Thomas enter]
Helen Thomas: Nice turnout! It's good to see Wesley Snipes out and about.
Pieter Coecke van Aelst: Hello, the late Queen Mum!
Queen Mother: Hello, Pieter Coecke van Aelst! Are you enjoying the Flemish summer? And how is your painting/carpet design work going?
Pieter Coecke van Aelst: Splendidly. By the by, when did you die?
Queen Mother: 2002. And you?
Pieter Coecke van Aelst: 1554. Ah, Roger Clemens, I must tell you, your fastball is most impressive!
Helen Thomas: Yes, you certainly bring the heat.
Richard Belzer: Check, please!
Roger Clemens: Thank you very much. If there are three things I love in life, they are steroids, my August 4th birthday and playing baseball.
Patrick Ewing: Did somebody say basketball?
Roger Clemens: Get out of here, Patrick Ewing, your birthday is not until August 5th!
Queen Mum: The Knicks were a better team without you, Patrick Ewing!
Roger Clemens: Yeah, totally! Hit the road!
[Clemens escorts Ewing out]
Yasser Arafat: Whew! Sorry about that. I don't know how he got in here. Would anyone like a canapé?
Barack Obama: Hey, Arafat, could you take it over to the East Wing? It's not good for me to be seen with you.
Richard Belzer: He's dead, babe.
Barack Obama: Even if.
[Ohio Governor Ted Strickland enters]
Ted Strickland: Konnichiwa bitches!
Everybody: GOVERNOR TED STRICKLAND! Now the party can REALLY start! Woo!
Tags: Barack Obama
John McCain implicitly compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton in his latest attack ad. But is that really a fair comparison? We thought long and hard about Paris Hilton's…qualities…to see if any of them really match up with Obama's, or those of any other politician. And here's what we came up with:
Wears too much makeup
Trent Lott, John Ashcroft, Larry Craig, Jim Jeffords
Won the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Award for "Best Scream"
Spent time as a prisoner
Dog wrote a memoir
George W. Bush
Tags: Barack Obama, Chris Dodd, Fred Thompson, George W. Bush, Howard Dean, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Paris Hilton
So, there was a little problem with some Obama buttons in Idaho. The buttons were supposed to feature Idaho Democratic Senate candidate Larry LaRocco riding on Obama's coattails, but used a picture of Republican senatorial punchline Larry Craig instead.
Hey, it's an honest mistake. In fact, we found some other Obama buttons that also had to be scrapped at the last minute:
Tags: Barack Obama