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Katie Halper
  • Greta Van Susteren vs. Ana Marie Cox: Ideological Strangers on a Train?


    Over the past few weeks, we've explored the sibling rivalry between television/radio correspondents and bloggers. But what better way to end this feature than with an inspiring story which shows us how blogger-correspondent collaboration can literally save lives…

    It seemed like any other Amtrak train on any other crisp April night. But it very much was not. Greta Von Susteren and her husband were aboard the DC-NY Amtrak train, when, all of a sudden, Von Susteren's husband, John Coale, heard a frightening sound, and nudged his wife to attention. Greta recognized the sound and knew it was one thing and one thing only: a food allergy attack. Herself a food allergic individual, Greta knew what she needed to do. Armed with a bendaryl tablet, Von Susteren ran to the rescue of the would-be victim and bravely administered the antihistamine.

    The saved allergy-sufferer recalls the "indescribably terrifying" attack and the soothing words of her savior. "She was like 'I think I know what is happening to you. Don't worry about it. We're going to get you a Benadryl'." Though she'll never know for sure, the Benadryl recipient suspects that without the interVontion, "It would have been a thousand times worse." Greta claims, "I didn't do anything heroic. I did what anyone would have done." Maybe anyone would have done this.

    But the person Von Susteren saved wasn't just anyone. She was none other than "far-left person" Ana Marie Cox.

    The Fox News correspondent's actions were so brave Bill O'Reilly knighted Von Susteren a "Patriot" and stated that "Ironically, Miss Cox, a far-left person, now may owe her life to the Fox News Channel." Destiny (or bladder control) intervened once again, a month later when the two ran into each other, a month later, in the ladies room at White House Correspondents' Association dinner. Amidst the sound of hand blow dryers and flushing toilets, Cox uttered the following words: "Thank you for saving my life."

    These women certainly have their differences (see chart below). But they were able to put them aside.


    Greta Von Susteren Ana Marie Cox
    Number of names two to three two to three
    Disclosed Cosmetic Surgery yes, an eye lift no
    Religion Scientology Twitter
    Can be found… on Fox on Rachel Maddow
    Education Georgetown Law Grad Wonkette Emeritus

    Imagine how many lives could be saved through correspondent-blogger collaboration! What if they put down their weapons — their pens, their handheld devices aimed to tweet, their scripts — with which they fight each other, and instead, pick up a Benadyrl and Epipen and unite around the common enemy of food allergies.

    How many people die each day, nameless casualties of blogger on blogger, correspondent on correspondent, and blogger on correspondent, correspondent on blogger violence? If this story shows us anything — anything at all — it is that the world will be a better and safer place if we bridge the gaps that threaten to separate us, and refrain from ordering Amtrak's lentil salad.

    Read More »


    Tags: Ana Marie Cox, Bill O'Reilly, Drugs, Fox, Greta Van Susteren, Health, John Coale, MSNBC, Rachel Maddow, Scientology, Twitter, Wonkette
  • Michelle Malkin vs. Pat Buchanan: Can You Tell the Difference?


    She's half his age. He's twice her size. She's (much to her chagrin) Asian-American. He's as American as it gets (without actually being Native American and discounting his Irish immigrant ancestry.) Yet, in some ways, this femme fatale blogger and alpha male TV talker are very much alike. See if you can tell the difference between Michelle Malkin and Pat Buchanan.

    No cheating! All cheaters will be deported.

    .

    Biography

    Which one…

    1. is related to Marilyn Manson

    2. is Married to a Jew and posed with a swastika

    3. is a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans

    4. outed an intifada-supporting Food Network star

    5. prefers old fashioned bigotry to affirmative action

    6. got dressed in salad

    7. would be flattered to be compared to Ann Coulter

    8. has been on MSNBC, Fox News Channel, C-SPAN Both!

    9. advised a serving U.S. President to burn evidence

    10. is a self-described "cat-fan," and winner of PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) "Strongest Backbone" award while described by an FBI agent as "sneaky," "dishonest," and "criminal

    .

    Bibliography

    Which one wrote…

    1. Churchill, Hitler, and "the Unnecessary War": how Britain lost its empire

    2. The Death of the West: How Dying Populations and Iigrant Invasions Imperil Our Country and Civilization

    3. Unhinged: Exposing Liberals Gone Wild

    4. In Defense of Internment: The Case for "Racial Profiling" in World War II and the War On Terror

    5. Invasion: How America Still Welcomes Terrorists, Criminals, and Other Foreign Menaces

    6. State of Emergency: The Third World Invasion and Conquest of America

    .

    Quotations

    Which one said…

    1. "I'm a contra too."

    2. "Bean-counting government bureaucrats are free to take race, ethnicity and gender into account when doling out public funds to non-white-male contractors. But God help law enforcement officers, air marshals and border agents who try to use those same factors to combat terrorism and protect American lives."

    3. "We knew Chris Matthews had no shame. Now we also know the king of TV ghouls has no souls."

    4. "'Darwinism' contains dogmas men may believe, but cannot stand the burden of proof, the acid of attack or the demands of science."

    5. "The agenda Clinton & Clinton would impose on America — abortion on demand, a litmus test for the Supreme Court, homosexual rights."

    6. "I'm American, for goodness' sake."

    .

    Answers after the jump.

    Read more of Katie Halper's political commentary on Katie Halper Dot Com.

    *     *     *

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    .

    Answers

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    Biography: 1. PB, 2. MM, 3. PB, 4. MM, 5. PB, 6. PB, 7. MM, 8. Both!, 9. PB, 10. PB*

    Bibilography: 1. PB, 2. PB, 3. MM, 4. MM, 5. MM, 6. PB

    Quotations: 1. PB, 2. MM, 3. MM, 4. PB, 5. PB, 6. MM

    Read More »


    Tags: Michelle Malkin, Pat Buchanan
  • Meghan McCain vs. Liz Cheney: Who Will Be the Next Ms. GOP?


    The Battle Between the Blond-Haired, Blue-Eyed Daughters of the Republican Men Who Would Be President

    Who will dethrone Ann Coulter and become the next blond-haired, blue-eyed white female face of the GOP?

    Will it be the tattoo-donning, dressed in black, fan of punk music, twitter fanatic, pro sex, pro gay marriage, pro life, rabble rousing reformer, daughter of a maverick, Meghan McCain? Or will it be the tattoo-free, pastels clad, old school, water-boarding-enthusiast, married-with-children, daughter of of a water-boarding enthusiast Liz Cheney?

    Let's take a look at how the two stack up…

    Meghan McCain

    Liz Cheney

    Sign

    Libra/Scorpio (on the cusp) Leo
    Shade of Blond

    Platinum Ash
    Current Bangs Status (CBS) and what they tell us

    Meghan is in with the new and out with the old. She's modern and her bangs are too. They're long, dynamic, fluid and trendy Cheney is a traditionalist and has the same exact hairstyle she did in 1978. (Actually, all four Cheneys stick to their roots when it comes to hairstyles.) They're short, full and were trendy in 1978.
    Tattoos

    One, a star on her foot, which she talks about a lot. Had her father won in New Hampshire, Meghan would have gotten a "Live Free or Die" tattoo. None that we know of.
    They Heart

    Twitter (unlike her father, who prefers "a google") Torture (just like her father)
    Nicknames Maverequette, the blond one Warriorette, the family friendly one, babydick

    Read More »


    Tags: Ann Coulter, Dick Cheney, John McCain, Liz Cheney, Meghan McCain, Republicans
  • Nate Silver & Karl Rove: What Are the Odds?


    A numerological statistical analysis of the numerical compatibility between number crunching geeks Nate Silver and Karl Rove

    While Rove is a Republican spin doctor and Silver a "rational progressive," there is substantial and surprising overlap between the two.

    Nate Silver Karl Rove
    Sign
    100% match
    Capricorn Capricorn
    Nick Name
    75% match
    Poblano, Numbers Machine, genius, "the human abacus" and "the guy who taught numbers how to fuck" Boy Genius, Turdblossom
    Appearance 50 % match cute, blue eyes, wears hipster (50% nerdy) glasses 50% of the time fugly, blue eyes, wears 100% nerdy glasses 100% of the time
    Interests
    60% match
    Baseball, counting, high school debate team MC rove-ing, high school debate team
    Popularity
    98.5% match
    "There's a 97.3% chance that Nate Silver is Totally My Boyfriend" said page.
    97.3%
    In order to win the high school senate race, Rove was driven into the school gym in a convertible, seated between two pretty girls.
    20% if consensual
    10% if paid
    -100% if forced
    Childhood Geek Level
    100% match
    According to his father, Silver "was a numbers fanatic…. When we took him to preschool one time, we dropped him off, and he announced, 'Today, I'm a numbers machine,' and started counting…. When we picked him up two and a half hours later, he was 'Two thousand one hundred and twenty-two, two thousand one hundred and twenty-three…' "
    = 100%
    Rove said "I was the complete nerd. I had the briefcase. I had the pocket protector. I wore Hush Puppies when they were not cool. I was the thin, scrawny little guy. I was definitely uncool."
    =100%
    Current Geek Level
    100% match
    See above
    - at preschool
    + at home
    = 100%
    See above
    -"thin, scrawny little guy"
    + full figured
    = 100%
    2008 Election
    Prediction

    ??% match*
    ??% accuracy

    Obama: 349

    McCain: 189

    Obama: 338
    McCain: 200

    * Nate Silver, if you're reading this, could you please calculate these?

    Based on their surprisingly high commonality levels, I tested their compatibility and determined that, based on numerology, the two have a compatibility of between 25 and 79%. As a control, I used both the subjects' given full names as well as the names they go by…

    Read More »


    Tags: Karl Rove, Nate Silver
  • Kos & Bill-O: Hateful Rivalry or Homoerotic Obsession?

    The newspaper is dying, slowly but surely. But who is responsible for the murder? Is it the scrappy blogosphere? Or the saccharin world of TV/radio journalism? Is this a blogger-correspondent conspiracy? Over the next few days, I'll be investigating the relationship between bloggers and TV/radio correspondents to reveal to you a complex web of intrigue and passion.

    Markos Moulitsas
    Daily Kos
    Bill O'Reilly
    The O'Reilly Factor
    Sign Libra Virgo
    Interests Spending time with his two kids, drum circles, composting, burning flags, redistributing wealth Showers, long phone conversations with colleagues
    Secret Talent Classical pianist / composer Writing literary erotica, loofah / falafel massages
    Type Short, dark and handsome Tall, pale and blotchy
    Favorite Food Pirates Booty (not cheetos!), vegan souvlaki pupusas, "bloggered eggs" (frozen embryos with honey dijon mustard) Thai cuisine, falafels, soul food, anything at Sylvia's

    .

    How they feel about each other

    Bill O'Reilly: O'Reilly is a kindergarten style flirt who teases the people he like-likes. But there is nothing innocent about O'Reilly's obsession with Markos.  Markos's legs must be tired because he's been running around O'Reilly's mind for years now. Billo cannot stop talking about Markos, and he even compares Markos to his other major crush, David Duke, who has always been O'Reilly's knight in cotton white armor.

    Markos Moulitsas:  Markos once confessed to fellow object-of-O'Reilly's-Obsession, Keith Olberman, that he used to feel jealous and insecure about O'Reilly's crush on Keith: "I looked on as O‘Reilly attacked you for years and turned you into this ratings powerhouse on MSNBC, so I thought, I could use a little bit of O‘Reilly love. I‘m glad that he‘s actually delivered some of that." But after all the attention and love, Markos can't help but realize that he drives Bill crazy and can get him hot and bothered like no one else.

    .

    How they really feel about each other

    Bill O'Reilly: O'Reilly may be straight or, when it comes to gay marriage, bi-curious.  (He used to say he "couldn't care less about gay marriage" but now sees it as a gateway marriage to drugs, abortion, and the revocation of the Patriot Act, and inter-species matrimony.) But he certainly seems to have a thing for Markos Moulitsas.

    Markos Moulitsas: Markos is flattered by all the attention, but it is unrequited.  Sorry, Bill, but he's just not that into you.

    .

    Read more of Katie Halper's political commentary on Katie Halper Dot Com.


    Tags: Bill O'Reilly, Daily Kos, Fox, Markos Moulitsas