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  • LiveBlog: The Final Democratic Showdown Judgment Rapture Armapocalypse

    Obama 57%
    Clinton 41%

    South Dakota
    Clinton 55%
    Obama 45%

    11:03: We're going to end this before CNN gets to their "magic wall." Goodnight, everyone. Have sweet, sweet, historically black dreams.

    10:52: CNN reports that history is being made in the United States right now. And who better to mark to mark this historic moment than a completely inaudible Jesse Jackson on the satellite phone from Tanzania.

    10:38: Barack Obama: "This is the moment. This is the time."

    And with that, he took off his flag pin, gelled back his hair, looked over his headshot and quit the presidential race to audition for the touring company of Jekyll and Hyde.

    10:24: Barack Obama: "I respect McCain's many accomplishments, even if he refuses to acknowledge mine."

    And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon….

    10:12: Obama thanks his typical white grandmother. Typical.

    10:08: Obama enters, the first black candidate to accept the nomination from a major American political party. If I didn't hate U2, I'd probably be really inspired by this.

    10:03: CNN calls Montana for Obama based on reports from the loneliest exit pollster in history.

    9:54: Hillary Clinton did not concede. In fact, MSNBC's Keith Olbermann now reports that she delivered the speech in an arena with no cell phone or BlackBerry service, so that none of her supporters would know that all of the networks had already called the nomination for Obama and that she might even be even a teensy bit expected to concede.

    It was the best she could do, of course, as "Alternate Reality" was already booked by the Ron Paul army.

    9:50: Hillary Clinton: "I will be making no decision tonight." Is that really what we want? A leader who can't make decisions?

    Score one for Indecision, I guess.

    9:45: Maybe it's just because McCain was the opening act, but other than the Obama needling Hillary Clinton really came off well. Nice speech all in all — for a lady.

    9:33: Hillary Clinton is speaking. And Terry McAuliffe is waving. Wave, Terry, wave!

    9:26: CNN calls South Dakota for Hillary Clinton. Which means nothing, of course, unless she gets more black or more historic real fast.

    9:21: From our comments board:

    Chris Matthews brings up a good point. This is the first time in the WORLD that an African American is his party's presumptive nominee. Eat that Mozambique for never elevating an African American to this level.

    Thanks to Punditphoelia.

    9:11: And with 9% of South Dakota reporting, and Obama losing handily, MSNBC is also calling Obama the presumptive nominee

    9:06: According to the CNN pundit panel, Barack Obama's victory comes 45/52/200 to the year/day/month/minute/parsec after Martin Luther King/Frederick Douglass/Paul Robeson/Abraham Lincoln/Michael Jordan said "I have a dream"/got himself on a stamp/sang "Ol' Man River"/freed the slaves/three-peated.

    9:02: Oh, and would you know it, he's a black!

    9:01: According to CNN, Barack Obama has clinched the nomination. Not the first time he's clinched the nomination, mind you. But the best time.

    8:52: This is what I learned from John McCain's speech:

    New Or-lee-ans is old douchebag for New Orleans.

    Hillary Clinton is the best most best person in the world, and her supporters are even bester.

    McCain takes America's economic security as seriously as he takes her physical security, proving that, as president, he will not rape America.

    He's just not very good at this.

    8:41: McCain on. Turn your damn music down!

    8:34: Howard Fineman just burst onto MSNBC and said that an Obama insider has confirmed that Hillary Clinton has promised Obama she will concede only if offered the VP slot, which Obama has agreed to do, on the condition that she promises not to accept.

    Clinton, in turn, has promised not to accept, provided Obama promise to lose, paving the way for her comeback run in 2012.

    8:25: Wolf Blitzer asks John McCain advisor Steve Schmidt why his candidate is spoiling Barack Obama's party with a speech of his own tonight. Schmidt says that it's time for McCain to start the "great debate" with Obama.

    He's right. All of history's great debates have started this way. In fact, it was Abraham Lincoln's giant "fuck you" to Stephen A. Douglas that, ultimately, got the slaves freed.

    8:15: 4, now. Not very impressive, for a giant 4.

    8:00: To demonstrate how many delegates Barack Obama needs to clinch the nomination, CNN is displaying the world's largest number 6, beating out the previous record holder, "The Whoppin' 6," just off Exit 112 on I-29 in Onawa, IA

    Welcome to Indecision 2008's final Democratic primary liveblog. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are both slated to deliver big speeches tonight, and the votes of some white people who live far away from each other will be tallied. We'll be updating you when the important things happen, and when nothing does, we'll still pretend every few minutes or so.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Liveblog, Montana, South Dakota
  • The Colbert Report — Michigan and Florida: What Would You Have Done?

    Last night Stephen Colbert asked a bunch of people hanging out at Union Square here in New York City how they would have solved the delegate allocation issue in Michigan and Florida.

    Which of the below responses best echoes your own thoughts? Let us know.

    Watch the clip below the fold.

    Tags: Florida, Michigan, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report
  • LiveBlog: Democrats Go Dutch in Pennsylvania

    Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are hitching up their buggies, packing in their butter churns, and raising a debate hall smack dab in the middle of Philly for a debate that promises to be the most fun anyone who's ever rejected electricity for over 100 years has ever had. We'll be liveblogging the debate, starting at 8 until the bitter end, below the jump.

    Update 9:52: That's a wrap. I guess I still don't know whether I should vote for the liar or the crypto-terrorist. Thank God there's a great American waiting in the wings. If only he could run against himself…

    I'd definitely be willing to shell out a few billion dollars to bend the dimensions and tesseract that into existance.

    Update 9:46: For the last Constitution break, ABC goes with the First Amendment. I guess we'll see who's really committed to that.

    Update 9:37: Obama calls for a strong windfall profits tax on oil companies. I was going to run with my rock solid windfall profits tax joke, but you've all already heard it.

    Update 9:24: Hm, the Second Amendment. I thought they'd save it for the encore.

    Update 9:19: ABC takes a break. But what Constitution passage are we going to get when we come back? Oh please please let it be Article I, Section 8! "The Congress shall have Power…to define and punish Piracies and Felonies committed on the high Seas, and Offenses against the Law of Nations" — vintage!

    Update 9:10: Obama wants to invest in our infrastructure. I can't abide this. I like my bridges crumbly and my power lines zappy and swingin'!

    Update 9:03: Blah blah blah. Nukes nukes nukes. Threats to our very civilization itself shmeats to our very civilzation itself. Let's hear more about that crazy angry black terrorist pastor guy!

    Update 8:51: Ah, I see. We're getting Constitution quotes because we're in Constitution Hall! Personally, I'd like to hear how the candidates are going to get me health care and end the clusterfuck in Iraq. But I guess they're saving those for next month's Democratic debate in Important Policy Points And Not Meaningless, Ad Hominem Bullshit That Makes Your Inner Ear Implode Hall

    Update 8:42: Obama doesn't think it's fair that we judge him based on the people he knows. Personally, I think anyone who knows Charlie Gibson is fit to be president. But if he doesn't want me judging him that way… guess I'm back to undecided.

    Update 8:26: Hillary Clinton reminds us that you don't get to choose your family, but you do get to choose your pastor and that one chooses a pastor based on what one believes. And she's not saying that one believes that America is a racist, fascist terrorist police state that deserves to die 1000 deaths. But, you know, it just seems like that's what one believes sometimes, doesn't it?

    Update 8:14: Hillary Clinton's grandfather was a mill worker. A gun mill worker. In a gun mill in the basement of a Methodist Church. The Scranton First Church of Desert Eagle.

    Update 8:10: There it is again! Man, where did that thing go?

    Update 8:07: A constitution update! I totally forgot about that founding document of our nation!

    Update 8:01: Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Simply put, the stakes couldn't be higher. Obama wins the coin toss. Wow, this is big. I hear he's retiring after this season.

    We'll be starting at 8 pm.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Liveblog, Pennsylvania
  • Texas Sees its Shadow, Seven More Weeks of Campaigns

    Texas wrapped up the evening by finally breaking for Clinton, which means she took three of four states last night, which in turn means we're in for another seven weeks of this primary.

    Pennsylvania is about to find itself an incredibly popular state indeed between now and April 22. Wish I lived there.

    So we can now look forward to seven more week of hearing about tax returns and Tony Rezko. Yippee.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Pennsylvania, Texas
  • LiveBlog: At Long Last, No More Live Blog

    Obama is making some awesome points! Check it out!

    Just kidding. He's yammering on about change again.

    In other news, we just passed around a gallon of NyQuil, so we're calling this live blog off. For those of you getting your election results here, sorry, but you are too much!

    See ya!

    Tags: Barack Obama