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Patton Oswalt
  • Patton Oswalt's LiveBlog

    I knew I said I'd be blogging 'til 8:30, but I'm kind of overcome right now.

    My wife is crying, my dog is getting a belly rub, and I feel like I'm treading against the warm undertow of our bad history flowing away, turning to vapor as we move forward. Bluuuugh! There's something in the air, and no matter what I do, my fingers can only type airy platitudes. Sorry guys.

    Please imagine a fart sound in your minds, to counteract my pretentious, happy horseshit. But we're hip-deep in history right now. Go, enjoy it.

    All of you. Blue and red.

    Four good years. And many more, I think.

    Tags: Liveblog, Patton Oswalt
  • Patton Oswalt's LiveBlog

    11:15p: Just got off the phone with Harlan Ellison.   After a stream of un-printable, joyous profanity, he said:

    "Today is the day America ransoms itself from durance vile."

    Look it up.   It's wildly appropriate.

    11:11p: FOX News just got officially funnier than Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert.

    Sorry guys.

    11:09p: Just got off the phone with my dad. He was an election official in my hometown. Went to work at 4:30 this morning and got home 10 minutes ago. There was a three hour delay when they opened 'cuz there were too many people waiting to vote.

    11:04p: Aaaaaaaand SCENE!

    11:02p: FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    11:01p: Here we go. Big polls closing. Fingers crossed…

    10:59p: William Bennett just said "(Obama being elected) happened in George Bush's America." He's right. George Bush burned the country to the fucking ground, so we finally went for the calm, smart guy.

    10:56: William Bennett can go fuck himself. Seriously.

    10:49p: Wait…CNN has holograms? What the fuck?

    What have I been saying about Barack Obama — if he gets elected, he'll bring us crazy new technology. Well, guess what? STAR WARS technology on
    CNN! Whoot!

    10:43p: YES! Yes! YES! FUCK YES! Virginia just went to Obama! My home state! Way to go, Virginians!

    Tags: Liveblog, Patton Oswalt
  • Patton Oswalt's LiveBlog

    Dan Rather Update:

    "Virginia going to Obama is like a plate of scrambled eggs riding a pussy horse at cake school.  Bats!"

    Tags: Dan Rather, Liveblog, Patton Oswalt
  • Patton Oswalt's LiveBlog

    10:36p: Oprah's quoting the Bible on ABC right now.

    10:19p: Man, William Kristol won't let the Palin thing go. He's got evil, far-reaching plans…

    10:12p: Bring me the head of Michelle Bachman!

    10:03p: Stop calling what McCain has before him a "climb". The people on the Hindenburg didn't face a "climb" when that thing hit the power lines.

    9:57: "Are you watching FOX News? I think they're drunk. I'm not kidding. Listen to Brit Hume."

    9:54p: Boy, Shepard Smith just made the term "strategy room" sound fucking ominous.

    9:52p: I'm pretty much going to keep it on FOX for the rest of the night. Dan Rather shall be a palate-cleanser.

    9:44p: Is anyone watching CNN? It's over. McCain had a chance against Obama,
    but he's no match for MATH.

    9:42: Sorry I haven't posted. I'm letting the scotch dapple my heart.

    9:34p: I can literally hear Fred Barnes' stomach eating itself from tension and defeat.

    9:28p: Ohio for Obama. I'll still be blogging for the next two hours, but…

    …IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!

    Tags: Liveblog, Patton Oswalt
  • Patton Oswalt's LiveBlog

    My dog, Grumpus, is toasting by the fire — which he ONLY does when a black guy wins an election. I don't know how any of you can argue with me.

    Tags: Liveblog, Patton Oswalt