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Rob Kutner
  • This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse: Heidi and Spencer in Iraq

    Both Presidential candidates are running on a platform of change, and to some extent they're already making good on that — whether it's Obama changing his story on the surge, or McCain changing the names of entire countries. But we in the Apocalypse Party demand real change, the kind that will only come from far outside the Beltway — as in, asteroid, alien landing force, or Jesus-gathering-up-the-righteous far. So whether our new leaders decide to reduce government (by means of a shrink ray) or build new coalitions (of slaves, to build their giant ziggurats), here's another sign that the end-times are coming, to finally put an end to "politics as usual:"

    SIGN: Heidi and Spencer from The Hills announce plans to visit the troops in Iraq.

    WHY THAT'S A SIGN: Upon witnessing these two shining exemplars of our culture, all remaining friendly Iraqis (both of them) will lose all remaining desire to make Iraq like America. From now on, the model will be Sweden.

    WHAT TO EXPECT: The combination of fully-covered-up beautiful blondes, state-of-the-art jet fighters, nukes, and maddening, mysterious extra pieces to otherwise sensible furniture will create a powder keg, triggering the world's most efficiently run nuclear war.

    WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: Finally, the U.S. finds a face-saving (albeit melting) way out of Iraq.

    Take the APOCALYPSE '08 PRESIDENTIAL CHALLENGE now!

    Each week, Daily Show writer Rob Kutner, author of the book Apocalypse How (on sale now!), reminds us that the world is about to end…and why we should be psyched.


    Tags: Iraq, Rob Kutner, The Daily Show, This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse
  • This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse: Kucinich's Article of Impeachment

    Sometimes it seems like everything we hear from our politicians fills us with existential despair — and that’s just the Obama campaign. But as I show in my new book Apocalypse How, the hastening end-times shouldn't be grounds for pessimism. Rather, we can choose to look at our soon-to-be-ended-world as half-unfucked, teeming with time, opportunities, and most likely, cockroaches. Protein-rich, delightfully crunchy cockroaches. See? It's all in how you look at it through the jaggedly carved eyehole in your bunker. So take a load off, put a smile on (and ideally, some combination of lead and Kevlar), and enjoy this harbinger of your exciting new life to come:

    SIGN: Congressman Dennis Kucinich's article of impeachment will get a committee hearing, but not about removing Bush from office.

    WHY THAT'S A SIGN: Having exhausted every other possible remedy to undo the Bush legacy, Kucinich is forced to summon his alien friends down to do the job. They begin by wiping out Iraq, New Orleans and Texas.

    WHAT TO EXPECT: That last action violates Starfleet's lesser-known Secondary Directive: "No interference with the un-messed state of Texas." A multi-species platoon attacks the original invading aliens, turning the entire Earth into a smoldering galactic battlefield (the first-ever war even Dick Cheney can't get out of).

    WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: Starfleet reparations totally sweet.

    Each week, Daily Show writer Rob Kutner, author of the book Apocalypse How (on sale now!), reminds us that the world is about to end…and why we should be psyched.


    Tags: Rob Kutner, The Daily Show, This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse
  • This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse: John McCain's Joke

    Sometimes it seems like everything we hear from our politicians fills us with existential despair — and that’s just the Obama campaign. But as I show in my new book Apocalypse How, the hastening end-times shouldn't be grounds for pessimism. Rather, we can choose to look at our soon-to-be-ended-world as half-unf@%#ed, teeming with time, opportunities, and most likely, cockroaches. Protein-rich, delightfully crunchy cockroaches. See? It's all in how you look at it through the jaggedly carved eyehole in your bunker. So take a load off, put a smile on (and ideally, some combination of lead and Kevlar), and enjoy this harbinger of your exciting new life to come:

    SIGN: John McCain jokes that increased U.S. exports of cigarettes to Iran "[might be] a way of killing them."

    WHY THAT'S A SIGN: With "Operation Enduring Wet Cough" officially revealed, Iran stops all cigarette imports, making it seem less "cool" — and therefore even more desperate to unleash its nuclear program.

    WHAT TO EXPECT: Since the rest of the world is now radioactive, Iran is permanently out of cigarettes. Iranians put on hundreds of pounds. Ahmadinejad forced to have his trademark "leisure suit" altered over and over again.

    WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: With no one left to sell oil to, the primary mode of transportation is ecologically clean-burning flying carpets.

    Each week, Daily Show writer Rob Kutner, author of the book Apocalypse How (on sale now!), reminds us that the world is about to end…and why we should be psyched.


    Tags: International Affairs, John McCain, Rob Kutner, The Daily Show, This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse
  • This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse: Stephen Baldwin

    Sometimes it seems like everything we hear from our politicians fills us with existential despair — and that's just the Obama campaign. But as I show in my new book Apocalypse How, the hastening end-times shouldn't be grounds for pessimism. Rather, we can choose to look at our soon-to-be-ended-world as half-unfucked, teeming with time, opportunities, and most likely, cockroaches. Protein-rich, delightfully crunchy cockroaches. See? It's all in how you look at it through the jaggedly carved eyehole in your bunker. So take a load off, put a smile on (and ideally, some combination of lead and Kevlar), and enjoy this harbinger of your exciting new life to come.

    SIGN: Stephen Baldwin threatens to move to Canada if Obama wins.

    WHY THAT'S A SIGN: Emotionally frazzled from quadrennial Baldwin-presidential-departure threats, America gives up and puts all future Presidential elections in the hands of the Baldwin brothers. Alec, Daniel, and Billy demur, saying they're too busy with acting gigs.

    WHAT TO EXPECT: Mad with power, born-again Christian Stephen calls Jesus down to annihilate a world that would let him be fired on Celebrity Apprentice. Donald Trump is first to perish, in flames "so elegant, they have incinerated princes and sultans."

    WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: Stephen, Kirk Cameron and Gary Busey all Raptured and set to star in new show The Surreal Afterlife.

    Each week, Daily Show writer Rob Kutner, author of the book Apocalypse How (on sale now!), reminds us that the world is about to end…and why we should be psyched.


    Tags: Rob Kutner, The Daily Show, This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse
  • This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse: Inventor Award

    When you've been following the Presidential campaign as long as I have, sometimes you think the world will end before the race does. A lot of the time you hope it. But as my new book Apocalypse How shows you, there are plenty of other reasons to hope for the end of the world. Did you know that the Chinese character for "opportunity" is the same as the one for "unstoppable army of sentient robo-wasps?" Armed with the knowledge in my book (and maybe a few sharp sticks), you can sit back and enjoy these signs of your impending Doom-ertunity.

    SIGN: John McCain proposes awarding $300 million to inventor of next-generation car battery.

    WHY THAT'S A SIGN: American inventors will be diverted from creating the next Poop Freeze™, Rotato Express™, or ShamWow! ™, freeing up thousands of hours of late-night infomercial time… for diabolical mind-control messages from Zarkon the Insomniac.

    WHAT TO EXPECT: First America, then rest of planet overtaken by Zarkon's fearsome army of stoners, eating everything in sight and coming up with ideas for ruling us that seem awesome at the time, but not so much the next day.

    WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: With all potential ethanol farmland now dedicated to corn syrup high-fructosization, incentive to develop new car battery even stronger.

    Each week, Daily Show writer Rob Kutner, author of the book Apocalypse How (on sale now!), reminds us that the world is about to end…and why we should be psyched.


    Tags: Rob Kutner, Science & Technology, The Daily Show, This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse