Actual crazy person Michele Bachmann, who believes that Jesus herded a flock of dinosaurs and that fetal suffrage is the great get-out-the-vote campaign of this century, is trying to revive her dying campaign of nonsense by appealing to her base: fellow crazy people who call themselves "Christian" even though Jesus was, like, actually way nicer than they are…
"Don’t settle. This mighty God we serve has a vision so big," Bachmann told the student body at Liberty’s weekly convocation. "This is an election, of all elections, when we have the opportunity to turn the nation around."
"The mighty God we serve," of course, being Marcus Bachmann, the Lady Macbeth to Michele's royal genius.
And that big vision God has? Well, only Michele and Marcus are privy to it. You can listen to it, of course, but you'll have to hear it from their mouths — over and over and over again, long after everyone dismisses her viability as a candidate.
Which, come to think of it, happened before she even announced her run.
Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Christianity, Liberty University, Marcus Bachmann, Michele Bachmann, Primaries, Religion, Republicans
Accused respecter-of-immigrants Rick Perry was the belle of the Twelve Oaks barbecue at two fabulous fundraising fetes in D.C. What, him, worry? Naw, y'all. It's all good!
Especially when people pony up $10,000 a pop to hang with the handsomest cowboy in town. Yeeeee-haw!
The Willard Hotel event is being billed as a lobbyists' extravaganza: a copy of the invite obtained by NBC News lists a 28 member host committee — at least 20 of whom are K Street lobbyists, including veteran big money GOP fundraisers as Dirk Van Dongen (president of the National Association of Wholesaler-Distributors), Marc Lampkin (a principal at Quinn-Gillespie who represents, among many others, the Blackstone Group and Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway), Roy Coffee (a former aide to President George W. Bush who represents Texas banking interests) and others with bulging client lists that include Wall Street equity funds, insurance companies, big pharmaceutical firms and many others.
Each member of the host committee, according to the invite, is committed to raising $10,000 — so with full participation, Perry should net $280,000 and another $120,000 at the later event at the Ourisman home.
Of course, if he hadn't freaked out the child-hating base of the Republican party — you know, the folks who cherish human life up until the point it actually exits the uterus — he's probs have made, like, 18 kajillion dollars. So his candidacy is obviously over.
Photo by Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images
Tags: Immigration, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, RNC, Texas
Texas Gov. Rick Perry has been found guilty of the ultimate sin among today's Republicans: treating the children of impoverished humans from foreign lands like (gasp!) actual people. What a jerk, right?
Over the weekend, the enraged grandparents of Florida punished him for this treachery by electing that nice black gentleman president of the Sunshine State. At CPAC FL, Perry trotted out a retread of his heinous answer in the last Republican presidential debate to Mitt Romney's salvo against Perry's in-state tuition allowance for the children of illegal immigrants.
Let's revisit that original exchange, shall we?
Perry signed the bill, HB 1403, in 2001 with the support of all but four legislators, making Texas the first state to grant in-state tuition to children of undocumented immigrants who have lived in the state for three years and are seeking permanent residency.
Perry's forceful defense of the legislation — he said skeptics of the bill don't "have a heart" — was the talk of conservative activists in Orlando this weekend for Presidency 5, the three-day Republican Party of Florida convention that hosted the debate.
Between his valiant attempt to prevent Texan girls from developing cervical cancer and his devotion to the idea that education can make valuable citizens of impoverished kids, Rick Perry is starting to sound suspiciously like a human being instead of a hate-spewing robot.
Someone ought to tell him that respect for science, women, and poor children just doesn't fly with today's Republican base.
Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: CPAC, Florida, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Texas
Florida has many glorious events: nightly fireworks at Disney World, weekly shuffleboard at your grandparents' retirement community, and semiannual gin-soaked hurricane parties. And if you're down with masses of angry white people waving 4,000-year-old books in the air to justify their disdain for homosexuals and/or love of guns and/or aversion to immigrants, you'll love the most rockin' event of them all — CPAC FL!
We've assembled a handy list of the best workshops, films and lectures on offer at the Orange County Convention Center…
* "Social Media 101" (or "Your Teabagger Granddaddy Learns How to Copy and Paste an AOL Forward to Tumblr")
* "Using Humor for Effective Content" (or "Victoria Jackson Is Probably Here")
* A screening of the film Ronald Reagan: Rendezvous with Destiny (original title: AIDS? What's That? Have Some Jellybeans!)
And yes, all the Republican presidential candidates will be there. Please make sure your grandma is wearing her American flag bra to the Santorum rally, so everyone can witness her patriotism when she flings it at him.
Thankfully, George W. Bush won't be speaking, so Granny won't have to throw elbows at Michele Bachmann to score some quality snuggle time.
Tags: Conservatives, CPAC, Florida, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Ronald Reagan, Victoria Jackson
We all know that mega-millionaire Mitt Romney is a mysterious shape-shifter not unlike that sexy blue lady from the X-Men, capable of morphing into whatever political creature is best suited to a particular time and place. And yeah, his staff is pushing to paint him as a total every-dude who is down with the common folks.
But there's a flaw in the usual "Mitt's trying too hard to seem relatable" thesis so popular in the lamestream media…
Mr. Romney has tried the new $4.39 Carl’s Jr. jalapeño chicken sandwich ("delicious"), celebrated the Reagan Library debate with fast-food burgers and fries (again, Carl’s Jr.), and dug into a Subway flatbread sandwich while sitting in an airport terminal ("better than the usual campaign diet of morning donuts").
These are all moments that he and his campaign have made a point of sharing with the public over Twitter.
The unsubtle subtext is that Mitt is fake. And if you're a fancypants New York Times elitist who has never set foot in a nonorganic restaurant, maybe you'll believe this crap.
But have you ever actually been to a Carl's Jr.? Their food is fucking delicious! You don't need to be an underinsured, underemployed factory worker in East Desperation, Nebraska to appreciate the plethora of taste sensations on offer at a kickass burger joint like Carl's Jr. The capacity to appreciate the deliciously charred remains of abused factory farm animals does not reside solely with those making under $40,000 a year.
Which means that while Mitt Romney might be richer than God, he's still most assuredly a human being — which is more than can be said for some of his competitors.
Photo by Emmanuel Dunand/AFP/Getty Images
Tags: Food, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Republicans