[Handel] Found Dead [in Election]; Latest Victim in Grizzly [Palin Endorsement] Attacks

Inspired by a true story.

The [electorally lifeless] body of another [candidate] victim has been found in the aftermath of a [mama] grizzly bear's month long [endorsement] rampage.

Wildlife officials today identified the woman, [whose gubernatorial dreams were] pronounced dead after spending the night in critical condition, as [Karen Handel of Georgia].

This is not the first attack by this particular [mama] grizzly bear in the [political] campground. The bear has assaulted [candidates] on more than five separate occasions; it is not yet clear whether any of the victims will survive.

Wildlife officials have made several attempts to capture the mama grizzly. The bear [Sarah Palin], estimated to weigh 130 lbs to 140 lbs, was lured into a trap fashioned from culvert pipe set, [six packs, and American flags] near the dead victim's tent Tuesday evening. The bear tore down the tent again and was able to escape the trap, said Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks spokesman Ron Adams.

"This is the fifth victim within a month, all [endorsed] by the same bear," Adams said. "We are stepping up our efforts to capture this grizzly."

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Fun with Search Engines

Google "America's shittiest website" with the quotes, and note the top hit.

(via Sadly, No!)

Minnesotans Might Soon Have to Start Speaking English

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty said recently that his state might want to consider making English its official language…

At a news conference outside the governor's residence, Pawlenty said that as the country becomes more diverse, some people might question which language to use in official documents. He said it might be helpful to clarify that the official language is English.

Spokesman Bruce Gordon said Pawlenty made the comments when asked about his support for so-called English-only measures, such as one recently approved in the northern suburb of Lino Lakes… The Republican governor, who is testing a possible run for president, didn't elaborate on his position or offer any new proposals.

Yes, this will certainly clear things right up! I'm sure all the Spanish-speakers will go, "Oh, why didn't you say that before? We will speak English then!"

Good move, Gov. Pawlenty. Somebody needed to remove those silly barriers to full assimilation.

(via The Washinton Independent)

Fox News Gets Coveted Front Row Seat Usually Reserved for News Organizations

Fox News just got three feet closer to commandeering control of the nation…

The White House Correspondents Association said Sunday that The Associated Press' reporter has been moved to the [White House Briefing Room] front-row center seat previously occupied by Helen Thomas. Fox's correspondent will take the AP's former front-row seat, and National Public Radio's correspondent will move up one row to Fox's old second-row seat.

I'm sure that, after all that unpleasantness with Helen Thomas, they wanted to make sure that any news organization in the front row would not allude to nor say anything racist.

So, Fox News seemed like an obvious choice.

Shirley Sherrod Is a Racist Liar

The American Spectator, everybody's favorite news source for classy stories, produced a piece by Jeffrey Lord, in which he pointed out that Shirley Sherrod's relative was not hanged, he was beaten to death. Sherrod, that filthy effin' liar. Lord directs us to a Supreme Court Opinion as evidence…

"1. Upon review of a judgment affirming the conviction, for violation of § 20 of the Criminal Code and conspiracy thereunto, of local law enforcement officers who arrested a negro citizen for a state offense and wrongfully beat him to death, the judgment is reversed with directions for a new trial."

Lord goes on to write that Sherrod wanted to "add 'glamour' " to the story by changing the beating to a lynching. Why? Well, obviously because she is a lying liberal political activist. And lynching just rolls off your tongue, doesn't it? Lynn– chhh– ING.

But Lord has more ammunition in store for those media elites and rationalists out there that bastardized the Sherrod story.

Apparently, Breitbart is not the racist the media has made him out to be because he had nothing to do with the editing of the speech. Lord continues…

"There is no proof — none — that Breitbart deliberately edited this tape to fashion the image of Ms. Sherrod as a government racist. Say again, not a shred of evidence."

Thus Andrew Breitbart is just a victim of a poorly edited YouTube video, and Sherrod is a big liar.

You know what? Lord is so right — Breitbart didn't personally edit the video. Because you can easily find who edited the video by checking who uploaded the video Breitbart posted. And that person is "Stage Right Show," also known as Larry O'Connor, the Editor-in-Chief of Breitbart.tv.

So, it was O'Connor who edited Sherrod's NAACP speech! And I'm sure the person he was working for had NO idea that he edited a tape out of context. Because it would be ridiculous to assume that Breitbart would have any control over his Editor-in-Chief. Good point, Lord Jeffrey.

Looks like we had the story right the first time. So, if you were at Comic-Con this past weekend and are just catching up on the Sherrod story, just know that all you need to do is read Breitbart's original post. Everything else is a LIE.