With Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager and even that crappy Enterprise show on DVD, Trek fans don't have much time to venture into, much less pay attention to, the outside world. With that in mind, here is a list of things for Trekkies to remember when they don their Spock ears and head out to participate in the democracy ritual on Election Day:
* Federation club "rank" will not get you any special treatment at the polling place.
* You may not sign in with the registrar in Klingon.
* Comparing Barack Obama to Mr. Tuvok makes you an intergalactic racist.
* Do not ask the voting official to make the "swoosh" sound when you enter the booth.
* The chances of being split in two due to a "voting booth accident" are extremely slim.
* Scott Bakula is not a good write-in for any spot on any ticket.
* Joe Biden is running for Vice President, not "Number One."
* Sarah Palin is the Borg Queen.
* You cannot vote to allow Vulcans to mate more often.
* Do not say "Make it so!" out loud when you're done voting.
Tags: Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, Star Trek
After watching the Republican festivities last week, it's only natural to wonder, "how does this platform differ from that of the Galactic Empire in Star Wars?" Well, here's how it breaks down:
The Issue The RNC The Empire Immigration Wants to build fence Wants to build Death Star War Protestors Freezes out dissenters from town hall meetings Freezes dissenters in carbonite Global Warming Wants to pollute the planet Wants to destroy planets Torture For it For it Veterans' Benefits Cuts soldier benefits to give tax breaks to the rich Cuts off soldiers limbs so they can benefit from cybernetics Leadership Lets Karl Rove call the shots Passed on Rove for slightly less evil Emperor Palpatine
Tags: Karl Rove, Republican National Convention, Republicans, Star Wars
If you're a professional protester, you have to be ready for anything, no matter who you're protesting for. So if you're outside instead of inside, convention-wise, here's a list of some things you'll need in your backpack:
* "Elect Cynthia McKinney" sign printed on the back of a recycled "Elect John Kerry" sign
* Copy of an email explaining who Cynthia McKinney is
* Patchouli-based Axe Body Spray
* List of reasons why Ralph Nader didn't cost Al Gore Florida
* List of reasons why Ralph Nader won't cost Barack Obama Pennsylvania
* Bong shaped like John McCain's head
* Inflatable seat cushion for use in the "Freedom of Speech Cage"
* Chant songbook, 1968 edition
* Shiny lure to bait Fox News
Tags: Democratic National Convention, Protesters, Ralph Nader, Republican National Convention
January 31, 2009: President Bob Barr orders Iraqi troops home by end of February, but gives the contract for transporting them to Southwest Airlines. The troops are asked to give up their seats and wait for the next available flight.
February 4, 2009: Marijuana legalized in the United States. Unfortunately, the money windfall in taxes is diverted to pay for a massive Cheetos and cupcakes subsidy.
March 2, 2009: President Barr approves a bill allowing airport vending machines to offer bullets of all calibers for the convenience of passengers to load their guns before boarding a plane. The NRA continues to call Barr "soft" on the issue of assault rifles in carry-ons.
March 23, 2009: Public school system sold to Disney, McDonald's and Revlon Corporations. Fat, sexy American children now number one in world in amusement park technology knowledge.
April 30, 2009: President Barr moves offices to shitty Industrial Park that's near the good bagel place. White House converted to awesome White Castle franchise.
Tags: Bob Barr, Libertarian