Hillary Clinton may not be running for president anymore, but she may make a comeback in other ways. Just as the Dark Phoenix of Marvel Comics was, in fact, a cosmic being taking on the likeness, emotions and memories of Jean Grey, so too may we find Hillary returning using some faux-reality or whatever new math Terry McAuliffe can think of. Here are just a few of the potential ways Hillary may return:
1) Vice President Darth Clinton: In a final attempt to defeat Obama during the Democratic convention in Denver, Hillary rigs some track lighting to fall on the nominee. But due to a last minute change in the order of speakers, it is Hillary who is burned and crushed by the track lighting. To hide her scars, the DNC builds her a suit of imposing armor made from the metal of ten million melted down "Vote Kerry" lapel pins. In a show of solidarity, Obama makes Darth Clinton his VP. She also develops powerful mind powers and chokes Karl Rove with her mind live on Fox.
2) The (Ultimate) Fantastic Cabinet Member Clintons: While in route to stump for Obama in the Nevada desert, Bill and Hillary Clinton get lost and stumble upon an interdimensional transporter. After returning from the N-Zone Hillary gains incredible strength, an orange rocky exterior and the ability to shoot flame from her body. She uses the powers to fight evil. Bill gains the powers of invisibility and stretching. He disappears and is sighted on the property of several Nevada legal brothels. The resulting publicity causes DNC party loyalist to urge President-Elect Obama to appoint the Clintons to cabinet positions. Hillary becomes Secretary of State, assuring a strong foreign policy. Bill becomes Secretary of Education, assuring that he can bang college co-eds on the side.
3) Supreme Court Justice AquaHillary: During a routine background search on Hillary for the Vice Presidency, it is revealed that she is, in fact, the lost Queen of Atlantis. With her legion of fish minions, she pushes icebergs back to the polar caps to fight global warming. She also rescues the cast of "Lost," saving millions from another confusing season of flashbacks and strained plot devices. When Justice Scalia is shot in the nutsack by Dick Cheney during a hunting "accident," AquaHillary is appointed to replace him. Her prudent stances on most issues level the playing field for everyone except the tuna and whaling industries.
4) Ambassador to Narnia: Unable to find a role for the former First Lady in his administration, President Obama appoints Hillary Clinton Ambassador to Narnia. Trade thrives between the two countries. Narnia supplies the United States with magic weapons and the United States ships iPods, DVD players, laptops and other electronics to Narnia. Unfortunately, two months in, Hillary has a meeting with the White Witch. Identifying with her loss as the most powerful political figure in that country, Hillary frees the Witch and together the two enslave humanity. Bill Clinton is given a token job as court jester, but is later executed after being caught in a compromising position with a serf.
5) Hillary Krueger: Unable to quit doing shots with blue collar workers, Hillary accidentally ignites her pantsuit while attempting to drink a flaming shot of whiskey. The nation mourns her untimely demise. Shortly after, the same blue collar workers have nightmares featuring the Senator attempting to kill them with a razored glove. K Street lobbyists are found mysteriously murdered and Monica Lewinsky is placed into a mental asylum after attempting to stay awake for almost two weeks straight. A sleep-deprived President Obama enacts several laws that came to him in his dreams.
Tags: Hillary Clinton
The name The InDecider is synonymous with access. And we were recently lucky enough to gain access to John McCain's campaign bus, the Angry Old Man Express, where we met some of his supporters. Here's what they had to say:
First up, spry 86-years-young Robert Fester: "I love John McCain. When I was his age, I wanted to drive my own car, but they wouldn't let me. How am I supposed to buy pancake mix at the mini-mart? They don't sell that there! He has a bus! He can go anywhere! Got to admire that. Now drive me to the regular supermarket, gosh dammit!"
Phineas Q. Follingworth III, a local stock broker from the 1850s and a big supporter of McCain's economic policy, is also voting for the war hero. "By Jove! Johnny's done a bully of a job in this campaign! Why, handlebar mustache wax futures have doubled in this quarter alone! I'll share a mug of sassafras root beer with him any day!"
The next McCainiac we met was medieval barber Monthor of Shrewsbury. With a daily trim and the occasional application of leeches, Monthor keeps his customers looking good and free of malignant spirits that deaden the humors. He supports the candidate's stance on gun control and on demonic serpents that sometimes grow inside a woman's uterus. "Mi lord McCain shall beat this witch, Clin-ton," says Monthor under the flickering candlelight. "As for the dark-skinned Moor, I have cursed him by stealing a lock of his hair, covering it in dung and burying it under a thistle bush. Lord McCain shall win. I have portended it!"
Along the way, the McCain bus ran into his old army buddy, Alaric I, leader of the Visigoths. "Let us make war!" screamed Alaric, banging his flagon of mead against the bus's window in a show of support for his pro-war stance. "Our armies shall darken the sky with our arrows! The Persians, the Slavs, the Mongols — we shall sunder the gates of their fortresses and wade ankle deep in their blood! None shall be spared! None!"
Finally, the Angry Old Man Express stopped at a rally in a rock-hewn valley dotted with caves. Supporters emerged from the caves wearing animal skins, carrying torches and holding up large rocks with the word "McCain" carved on the side. "Og love white-haired man that live in metal tree!" said one supporter. "Me no want to embolden terrorists! Og vote for white-haired man with pretty mate! Og want to close border! Og must protect job from funny-speak people from south!"
Tags: John McCain
Doctor Who, the English science-fiction TV show that's been around almost as long as King Arthur, has had ten doctors over the years. Like the presidential candidates, each one had a distinct personality, his own way of dealing with things and better teeth than most other English people. Naturally, this made us wonder which candidate would match up best as a sidekick for each version of the Time Lord. Here, then, is another time-wasting chart, specifically designed to enrage scarf nerds that relish this beloved, time-traveling limey:
Doctor Candidate Sidekick Why Doctor #1
Actor: William Hartnell
Description: That old dude.
John McCain McCain's Neocon interventionist foreign policy makes him able to deal with revisionist history traveling through time. Doctor #2
Actor: Patrick Troughton
Description: Moe Howard's twin.
Hillary Clinton She was already married to a stooge. Doctor #3
Actor: Jon Pertwee
Description: Gandalf with a haircut.
Barack Obama Large ears frighten Cybermen. Doctor #4
Actor: Tom Baker
Description: Guy with long scarf.
Barack Obama Much like Baker, he'll be the only person out of this group remembered years from now. Doctor #5
Actor: Peter Davison
Description: Taller, balding John Denver.
Hillary Clinton She becomes an expert at flying the T.A.R.D.I.S. through time while fixing her statements about her NAFTA support. Doctor #6
Actor: Colin Baker
Description: The one that dressed like a Jo Ann Fabrics exploded on his chest.
John McCain McCain's first-hand knowledge of the Jurassic Period. Doctor #7
Actor: Sylvester McCoy
Description: The one that sort of looks like Kolchak the Nightstalker.
Hillary Clinton Her stance on gay marriage enrages Daleks. Doctor #8
Actor: Paul McGann
Description: The awful one from that Fox movie.
John McCain Rupert Murdoch makes it so. Doctor #9
Actor: Christopher Eccleston
Description: The first one not to dress like a tool.
Barack Obama Doctor and Barack share "handsome guy tips" with the Elephant Man in Victorian England. Doctor #10
Actor: David Tennant
Description: The one that banged Sophia Myles.
Barack Obama Together, the Doctor and Barack explain to Dr. Who fans what it's like to be with a woman.
Tags: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain
WoW fans, Indecision readers and concerned nerds,
Recently, my post regarding WoW and politics hit a nerve. Some of you have laughed, no doubt causing Mountain Dew or energy drink to shoot out of your nose. Some of you have pointed out that WoW druids have no scimitars or that Shamans were omitted from coverage or that there is no such thing as a +7 Axe of Reaving. We are very sorry for any inconvenience or stress that may have caused you but…
…you are all wrong.
Yes, there are 3.5 million or 10 million (get your numbers right, people) players of WoW online, but do you people even know what you're playing? It's called D to the fuckin' & to the D, motherfuckers! Dungeons and Goddamned Dragons!
You craven little blog monkeys think you know fantasy or comedy? Here's a little sample from the WoW Insider…
Well, let's have WoWInsider tackle the case — I'd love to see this written up right, could be hilarious.
[Random Demo Candidate]: "Epic Mounts are to unattainable for the average Azerothian – my plan addresses this with a faction rebate!"
[McCain]: "Clearly, the war between Horde and Alliance must continue, we have to stay the course! Even if it takes 100 patches"
etc etc – You know you want to!
Ah, hahaha! Oh, my sides! How could anyone not find THAT funny? I'm sure you're busy omg'ing everyone right now. Sign that guy up to write for Root of All Evil because Lewis Black needs to punch up his monologue with online software references. They always kill.
You WoW whiners are nothing but a bunch of Lancelot-come-latelies. Dungeons & Dragons has easily 20 million players. In 1979, while you console pussies were squinting at 8-bit Atari porn (NSFW), the rest of us were in our parents' basements kicking Orc ass and counting how many Devil references and boob illustrations there were in the Monster Manual!
I mention druids and priests but not shamans? They're the same fuckin' thing! I know that because I read it in a book and that led me to read other books. Books like the Players' Handbook for Advanced D&D and books like this one and other science-fiction or fantasy that expanded my vocabulary and taught me about things. The only thing computer games taught me was how to get carpal tunnel syndrome while balancing a bowl of Doritos between my legs. For Dungeons & Dragons players, the only limits were their imaginations. For WoW players the only limits are the imagination of the IT guy who designed their character.
You want a WoW player to write your comedy? Son, I got maps on graph paper funnier than WoW players. Point and click that into your soul shard bag, Leroy Jenkins.
You're playing Dungeons & Dragons online, ya dink! I'm sorry the rest of us didn't need blinking graphics and shiny things to immerse ourselves in fantasy. Using a state-of-the-art flat screen and keyboard doesn't exactly get me in the mood to talk like I'm in medieval times. Oh, sorry, TYPE like I'm in medieval times. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, use a fucking HEADSET like I'm in medieval times.
So the next time you "slay" a dragon with your online "friends" that you paid $15 a month for, remember I'll be in some dude's parents' basement for free with graph paper, dice and a bottle of Wild Turkey. And we will have a sweet, sweet custom-made, drunken D&D adventure with real people and you can kiss the hairiest part of Gary Gygax's decomposing balls!
Update: Old school gamer and author of this post Tony DiGerolamo responds to all the haters.
There's a lot of talk lately about what Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have to do to win in Pennsylvania tomorrow. But take the long view and you realize that with each passing election, using the Internet to get votes becomes more and more crucial overall. Candidates today have to speak not only to the casual web surfer, but also to those for whom the Internet is a lifestyle choice. So, here are some tips for the candidates courting the World of Warcraft vote:
Onscreen name: GuTwReNcHeR
Onscreen name: Blood_Storm
Onscreen name: Deathstalker49
Druid Likes: His stance on global warming and Humane Goblin Population Control propsal.
Dislikes: Wants to see more Elf advisors in campaign
Likes: Her support for mercury regulations in factory emissions.
Dislikes: Her dominant stance disrupts Feral Combat spells.
Likes: His badger-like commitment to the Iraq War.
Dislikes: Refuse to lower taxes on scimitars.
Mage Likes: His intelligence and commitment to education.
Dislikes: His support for H.R. 977, the Fireball Limitation Act.
Likes: That she made that Bosnia sniper story disappear like magic.
Dislikes: That she won't support David Blaine's bid for Senate.
Likes: His wizened old coot-like visage.
Dislikes: That he fired Merlin when he was his intern.
Paladin Likes: The way he wants to save everyone in America from evil.
Dislikes: That he would treat Trolls and Blood Elves as equals.
Likes: Her quest for a national health care plan to heal the sick.
Dislikes: Lack of funding for holy grail quests.
Likes: His War Hero persona.
Dislikes: That he takes donations from Neocons and other undead.
Priests Likes: That he continues to support his cleric, Rev. Wright. That he doesn't worship a god that would grant him more powerful spells.
Dislikes: That he would treat Trolls and Blood Elves as equals.
Likes: The goddess-like way she runs her campaign, demanding worship from all.
Dislikes: That her campaign advisors secretly met with Nath, Ogre god of war.
Likes: His magic lute that has the ability to charm Orcs.
Dislikes: His inability to tell Al Qaeda from other insurgents and his penchant for screaming into his Internet headset during battle.
Rogue Likes: That his tax proposal will take from the rich.
Dislikes: That he doesn't keep the taxes for his guild.
Likes: Her husband's ability to sneak away with interns unseen.
Dislikes: Her support for a law allowing Orcs to marry.
Likes: The way he ruthlessly back-stabbed his GOP opponents.
Dislikes: The way he got back-stabbed by Bush in 2000.
Death Knight Likes: His +7 Axe of Reaving.
Dislikes: This thing you humans call "humanity".
Likes: Her sponsorship of H.R.335, which would extend health-care to undead spouses.
Dislikes: That she continues to debate her opponents rather than slay them.
Likes: His lich-like visage and support for global conquest.
Dislikes: His refusal to eat the heart of his enemies.
Tags: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain