Let's not beat around the bush here: America has been in better shape. Our economy is threatening to nosedive into a depression any minute. The unemployment rate remains depressingly junkish. And now we've got "ObamaTax" on our backs, thanks to Chief Justice Traitor McJerkface.
Thankfully, there is one bit of good news to give us all a sparkling thrillingly-cacophonous respite from the flat blackness of our modern worries…
The American Pyrotechnics Association is proud to tell you that 1998-2011 have been great years for the U.S. fireworks industry, with even the Great Recession doing little to dent America's enthusiam for explosions.
As a nation, we really do excel at explodin' shit up.
Photo by Katherine Frey/The Washington Post/Getty Images
Tags: 4th of July
Happy 4th of July, when we celebrate the dual miracles of our Founding Fathers finding the time to write an eloquent statement about freedom and the rights of man amid their busy schedule of raping their slave women and the equally impressive accomplishment of modern cable television in turning this anniversary into an occasion to air "documentaries" about UFO conspiracies.
To date, the Obama Administration's most high profile alleged cover up has been Operation Fast and Furious, a scheme to track the sale of guns to Mexican drug cartels. Luckily, there are more explosive coverups out there…
1. Mermaids – The BBC reported on this story yesterday…
There is no evidence that mermaids exist, a US government scientific agency has said. The National Ocean Service made the unusual declaration in response to public inquiries following a TV show on the mythical creatures. It is thought some viewers may have mistaken the programme for a documentary.
"No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found," the service wrote in an online post
Yes, I'm sure that's what all those wheelchair-bound ladies with blankets over their "legs" want you to think. They're not retired mermaids, just regular Americans who want the government to keep its hands off their Medicare. Sure, grandma.
Also notice that nothing has been said of mermen. Has the Obama administration just implicitly admitted their existence?
2. Zombies – The Mermaid denial comes on the heels of an official Centers for Disease Control disavowal of the coming zombie apocalypse…
"CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms)," wrote agency spokesman David Daigle in an email to The Huffington Post.
I have seen this movie. Frantic scratching at the door comes about 10 minutes after the official government statement denying there's anything wrong.
3. Aliens – The Zombie denial followed an earlier response to a petition signed by 12,078 people calling on the government to "formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race." The White House Office of Science & Technology Policy's Phil Larson authored the reply…
Thank you for signing the petition asking the Obama Administration to acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence here on Earth.
The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public's eye.
C'mon, do you mean to tell us that Mitt Romney isn't a Changeling?
Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: 4th of July, Barack Obama, Science & Technology
How will you be celebrating America on this July 4th? Will you be "summering" at your parents' house? Or participating in a rigorous and mandatory set of physical tasks known as the "Romney Olympics" on a 13-acre compound?
The Romney Olympics have long included a mini-triathlon of biking, swimming and running that pits Mitt and his five sons and their wives against one another. But after Mitt once nearly finished last, behind a daughter-in-law who had given birth to her second child a couple of months earlier, the ultra-competitive and self-described unathletic patriarch expanded the games to give himself a better shot.
Now they also compete to see who can hang onto a pole the longest, who can throw a football the farthest and who can hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes — not exactly the kind of events they'll be giving out gold medals for in London this month.
Was it only a year ago that we heard Mitt pronounce, "I declare the Games of the 14th Romney Olympiad closed and, in accordance with tradition, I call upon the Romneys of the world to assemble one year from now in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire to celebrate the Games of the 15th Romney Olympiad?"
Time does fly when you're spinning the "chore wheel" to split up the family cleaning duties and putting on a talent show on a stage constructed by Mitt himself. Though all these events are vast improvements over the traditional foie gras eating contest that once followed (I assume) the "hobo toss" and "cut the hair off the hippie" competitions.
Still, even some of the more mundane events may make it difficult for the typical voter to relate to the Romneys. The Post notes that Romney helps his grandchildren "roast s'mores over a campfire and leads them on treasure hunts." Does that mean a trip to New Hampshire includes a side jaunt to Switzerland and the Cayman islands?
Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: 4th of July, Mitt Romney, New Hampshire, Sports