From the Pork Barrel: Herman and the Newt

* CSPAN has announced that it will offer live coverage of Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain's debate this Saturday. Unfortunately, this means that Paint Drying on That One Wall in the Congressional Cafeteria is getting bumped to CSPAN2.

* Looks like there might maybe be a GOP debate on The View. Though, it seems unlikely the candidates would subject themselves to such serious questioning.

* Anonymous is canceling its war on Mexican drug cartels on account of HOLY SHIT!

* Alright, guys! We're finally back to where we were in the Great Depression! I knew we could do it!

Photos by Stephen Morton/Getty Images News/Getty Images & Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: ABC, Crime, CSPAN, Drugs, Internet, Mexico, Occupy Wall Street, Pork Barrel, Television, The View

ABC News Wonders: Does Chris Christie Have Too Much Chris Christie to Be President?

ABC News' Joel Siegel has a question that deserves asking. Maybe. Probably not, but what the hell, we can certainly get away with asking it…

[I]t has been 100 years since Americans sent a true heavyweight to the White House, when William Howard Taft tipped the scales at well over 300 pounds.

Nor is Christie just "slightly overweight." So there is no delicate way to ask this: Is Chris Christie too fat to win?

You know, I think there might be more delicate ways than that. Like, how about, "Is Chris Christie to overweight to win? Or, "Given our body-image obsessed media, does Christie's excessive weight put him at a disadvantage in a general election against the much slimmer Barack Obama?"

Still, I guess Siegel could have even less delicate, and he deserves credit for holding back as well as he did. I assume that "Is Chris Christie too much of a big fat obese tub of adipose lard to win?" was excised in earlier drafts.

"Overweight people have much less of a chance of getting a job, they have much less of a chance of keeping a job … they are paid less than those who are thin," said David Birdsell, dean of the School of Public Affairs at Baruch College in New York…

You know who else that's true of? Everybody except for tall skinny white men with nice thick heads of hair and degrees from Ivy League schools. You know, like this guy. You think maybe there's a chance that we should start reconsidering what makes a candidate viable? Or maybe even that writing articles about whether or not fat guys are too big and gross to win elections might be contributing to the problem?

If a candidate is not "fit and trim," he might even face ridicule, as Christie recently did from late night talk show host David Letterman.

Oh, well. Checkmate. I tip my king, good sir. We certainly cannot have a president who is made fun of on late night television. Can you even imagine the scandal?

Photo by Slaven Vlasic/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Tags: ABC, Chris Christie, Health, New Jersey, Primaries, Republicans

From the Pork Barrel: Debt and Taxes

* Newly announced senatorial candidate Elizabeth Warren makes a somewhat simple but overlooked point: "There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody!" That's the problem with this country — even the capitalists are socialists!

* Warren currently leads incumbent Republican Scott Brown by two points in a recent poll. But don't worry; Brown should regain the advantage once we get to the swimsuit competition.

* Anti-government intervention, free-market Republicans ask Harvard to stop paying Elizabeth Warren's salary.

* Barack Obama patiently explains to United Nations why United Nations is kind of useless. Wasn't quite as well received you might expect.

* Ted Haggard is supposedly going to be on ABC's Celebrity Wife Swap. Somebody has told him that in the whole swapping business, he ends up with another wife, right?

Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Education, Elizabeth Warren, Haggard's Law, Israel, Massachusetts, Palestine, Polls, Pork Barrel, Scott Brown, Senate, Ted Haggard, Television, United Nations

Stephen Colbert and Diane Sawyer on Jackie O's Secret Tapes

Wow! Fifty year old tapes of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis telling it like it really was way back when. I understand she really doesn't pull any punches, which is intriguing. I haven't heard any of it yet, but I'll tell you, I always suspected that Wooly Mammoth was kind of a stuck up jerk. And I'll bet anything that Stegosaurus was gay.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

Tags: ABC, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, John Kennedy, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video

Michele Bachmann Has a Lady Ninja

Turns out future President of the United States Michele Bachmann is fierce in more than just the Tyra Banks/drag queen sense of the word. Lately, Team Bachmann has been throwing literal elbows in the face of the Satanic media.

First, the Fabulous Bachmann Boys put their hands all over ABC News reporter Brian Ross when he asked questions about her migraines. Next, CNN anchor and new Indecision BFF Don Lemon got shoved into a dang golf cart by Marcus Bachmann, who apparently doesn't get enough chances to play rough with handsome men in private. But it doesn't stop at Bachmann's boys.

Even her "advance woman" is getting into the shove game!

Jodie Newell, an Australian photographer who shoots for her own company, Newell Media, said the female advance staffer had demanded she put her camera away outside a recent Bachmann event in Indianola, Iowa, despite the fact that she was standing in an open parking lot, after she didn’t immediately produce her credentials.

Newell, a conservative who earlier had Bachmann sign a placard and wished her well, said the staffer told her, "We’ve been told on the radio to look out for you."

"I had no idea what she was talking about," she said, adding that the staffer refused to identify herself.

Politico also mentions another incident in which the same tough gal forcefully pushed down an Iowa journalist's video camera.

Jeez, how long before Bachmann's campaign stops deteriorate into some kind of crazy scene from Kill Bill, with her yellow-suited lady ninja of death swinging a katana at every hapless J-School grad in sight? (Please don't let it be too long. This is awesome!)

Stay tuned to Indecision for more coverage of Bachmann-on-journo atrocities as this story unfolds.

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: ABC, CNN, Don Lemon, Marcus Bachmann, Michele Bachmann, Primaries, Republicans