Latest Posts

  • Andy Borowitz: White House Replaces "War on Terror" With Symbol

    As John reported last week, "terror" is now a thing of the past that we should never, ever, never have to mention again. So, of course, it'll need a new name

    The White House today announced today that it would no longer use the phrase "war on terror" and would instead replace it with a cryptic symbol once used by the funk rocker known as Prince.

    The new symbol made its first appearance today at a White House press conference in which spokesman Robert Gibbs answered a question about the war on terror by holding up a picture of the newly acquired icon…

    To acquire the rights to the symbol, however, the White House had to outbid an unlikely suitor, the insurance giant AIG… It was hoping to rebrand itself as "The Insurance Giant Formerly Known as AIG," a company spokesman said.

    I think that'll work out better for them in the end. I mean, they should have a name that doesn't sound anything like AIG. That's why AIU is perfect.

    Continue reading.

    Tags: AIG, Andy Borowitz, Homeland Security, Terrorism
  • Populist Outrage Downgraded to Resigned Fuming

    For the briefest of moments last week, politicians were just like real people.

    Both taxpayer and elected official shared the same enemy: greedy, corporate robber barons on Wall Street. Hands were held, dandelion fields pranced through, enormous plates of spaghetti slurped simultaneously.

    Finally, citizen and Senator were best friends forever, drunk on righteous indignation. The national villains were now Wall Street bankers taking and abusing taxpayer money in the form of TARP funds. Not politicians!

    Unless of course, those same politicians were taking kickbacks from banks flush with public bailout money. But they wouldn't do that. We were going to guillotine AIG executives together!

    But they did do that. The FEC recently found that the five top beneficiaries of TARP funds handed out $85, 300 to members of Congress, including some members who sat on the committee overseeing the distribution of TARP funds.

    Says Brett Kappel, a Washington lawyer who monitors donations:

    "This certainly appears to be a case of TARP funds being recycled into campaign contributions."

    You can read more about this lovely debacle here.

    It doesn't matter if corporate America is a subsidiary of the government, or if government is a subsidiary of corporate America — the same suits will be running things. It's almost as if "Senator" and "CEO" are interchangeable.

    At least things are returning to normal.

    Tags: AIG, Senate, TARP
  • AIG? What's an AIG? I Don't Even Know What You're Talking About.

    Washington won't have AIG to kick around anymore.

    So, it'll have to start kicking around AIU instead

    While it remains to be seen whether the move will distance the insurer from its many scandals, AIG will now be called AIU Holdings Ltd.

    Over the weekend, workmen removed the sign from the company's Water Street offices; it has yet to install the sign carrying its new name.

    Isn't that cool how all you have to do is change one letter in your your name and all of a sudden, you're a completely different entity?

    It's truly amazing. Every single little bit of my anger at those self-serving assholes has suddenly melted away. I'm not even a little bit infuriated anymore. It musta been that G. That G must have been the problem all along.

    Tags: AIG, Economy
  • Jon Stewart and The House Financial Services Committee Open Up a Can of Dumbass On AIG

    America isn't booing AIG — they're just calling for Bruce.

    With so many candidates to choose from, who are you scapegoating for the global financial meltdown?

    Tags: AIG, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, Economy, House of Representatives, Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, Video