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Al Gore
  • The Onion: Recently Single Al Gore Finally Able to Listen to W.A.S.P. Albums

    The former Vice President reaps the benefits of the bachelor lifestyle

    "For the first time in decades, I get to play the kind of music I like without someone nagging me about what a bad influence it is," said Gore, sitting on the floor of his living room as he cued up the song "Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)" on his stereo. "And I get to crank it up as loud as I want."…

    Gore, who was prohibited from hearing music with graphic sex, violence, or drug references since Tipper founded the Parents Music Resource Center in 1985, confirmed yesterday that her crusade was "total bullcrap."…

    "It sucked because we always had to listen to garbage like Carly Simon and Lyle Lovett all the time," said Gore, who told reporters that he was "loving" being single again. "That stuff is lame, man. If it doesn't have big balls and bigger riffs, get it out of my stereo!"

    Hey, I'll bet you that him and Joe Biden can get back to trading cassette tapes now.

    Tags: Al Gore, Music, The Onion, Tipper Gore
  • Portland Police Re-Open the Case of Al Gore's Crazed Sex Poodle Penis

    Unfortunately for everyone who is unexcited about being forced to imagine the gelatinous girth of Al Gore roiling about atop an unwilling human person (and for everyone else, congratulations!), the Portland, Oregon police are re-opening the "crazed sex poodle" scandal that is currently about to start rocking the nation!

    Portland police said Wednesday that they will reopen and investigate a massage therapist's allegations that former Vice President Al Gore sexually assaulted her at a downtown hotel in October 2006…

    Records that police released last week revealed that Portland sex assault investigators took a detailed statement from Hagerty in January 2009 but never investigated it and closed the case, citing "insufficient evidence."

    Molly Hagerty — the allegedly aggrieved masseuse — is claiming that she has surveillance camera footage of an assault upon her personage by the former Vice President and a pair of her pants full of his DNA. (That, by the way, is the most unsavory use of the acronym "DNA" that you'll see for quite some time.)

    "Al Gore is a pervert and sexual predator. He’s not what people think he is — he's a sick man!"

    Don't know if this is true, but even if it is, should it really come as a shock to anyone? Isn't that just part of the green lifestyle he advocates? Spreading a bunch of seed around?

    Tags: Al Gore, National Enquirer, Oregon, Sex
  • Is Al Gore a "Crazed Sex Poodle"?

    Who can really say for sure? Obviously, this lady says so, but can we really take her at her word? It's really just her word against the Nobel Prize-winning former Vice President of the United States. I mean, it's not like there's any hard proof of her allegations.

    Or is there?

    Read More »

    Tags: Al Gore, Animals, Puppies!, Sex
  • The Globally Hot and Sultry Truth* About Al and Tipper Gore

    Our friend and contributing columnist Gladstone just released this shocking video confession on his home site, the ramifications of which could be devastating and far reaching. I'll just say this: He'd better keep one eye over his shoulder on the look out for polar bears. I hear that Al Gore guy is somewhat connected…

    Digg this.__________ Reddit that.

    * May not be actual truth.

    Tags: Al Gore, Sex, Tipper Gore
  • An Irreconcilable Truth About Al and Tipper Gore

    It appears as though former vice-president Al Gore and his wife of some four decades Tipper have made a decision to begin doubling their carbon footprints by living in separate residences

    Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, are separating after 40 years of marriage.

    According to an e-mail circulated among the couple's friends and obtained by The Associated Press on Tuesday, the Gores said it was "a mutual and mutually supportive decision that we have made together following a process of long and careful consideration."

    Gore spokeswoman Kalee Kreider confirmed the statement came from the Gores, but declined to comment further.

    Friends say the marriage has been over for months, but that the couple didn't want to make it official before hearing from Florida.

    Tags: Al Gore, Tipper Gore